Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The July 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag
When we pick the “winners” of our coveted Douchey McDouche Bag Award each month, we often target politicians.
After all, they largely are socio-paths and liars or what we categorize as douche bags.
However, more and more our favorite targets have been forced to take a back seat to cold blooded killers and in July it happened again, when the allegedly murderous gunman from Aurora, Colorado won our prize.
Let me be honest, Mitt Romney worked so hard offending people on other continents that he was considered and is obviously douchey, but things got ticked up a notch on July 20th when our Douche decided to dye his hair an obnoxious shade of red and orange, call himself, “The Joker,” and allegedly go hunting inside a Colorado movie theater.
Our July Douchey McDouche Bag Award goes to none other than James Holmes, the madman who allegedly killed 13 innocent people.
However, we apologize in advance for the seemingly redundant awarding of our monthly vinegar and water filled rubber bag and hose to these walking stereotypes, which, if they weren’t involved in acts so heinous, would be laughable caricatures.
There was our February Douche who killed his children with a hammer and then set his house afire, and of course George Zimmerman, who shot and killed an unarmed Trayvon Martin because he was scared, but our rogue’s gallery just got a little more horror-show when the 24-year-old Holmes stepped into our arena of public opinion.
This foppy loser, a neuroscience fellow at the University of Colorado – Denver, took the lead for the year by paying to see the summer’s hottest movie, Batman – The Dark Knight Rises, and then allegedly left the theater only to come back with guns a blazing.
Holmes allegedly, indiscriminately shot automatic round after round into a theater full of movie goers for no apparent reason. In the end, he killed 12 people, including a 6-year-old before bolting and being taken into custody by local authorities.
A pregnant woman, who is expected to be paralyzed from the spree, also lost her unborn child to miscarriage as a result of the shooting.
Despite our liberal upbringing, we officially count that as 13 deaths, even though dickwad was only charged for those who were “born and alive,” at the time of the incident.
To further cement his place at the front of the line in douche-dom, Holmes, rather than follow the script of so many madmen, remained alive and allowed himself to be taken into police custody. He could have at least used one of his high-powered rounds to expand his own mind and give his brain and skull a much needed sunroof.
However, as women and children screamed in horror, our July Douche was sheepishly surrendering to police and crowing about the surprise he’d left them at his residence.
Sure enough, it took police more than a day to de-active the trip wires and homemade bombs this douche allegedly set up around his apartment. As federal authorities were called in to assist, police estimated the booby-trapped apartment could have at least blown up the floor on which he lived and its residents, who luckily were evacuated.
When police were able to gain entry to Douchey McDouche Bag’s lair, they also allegedly found explosive devices, a Batman mask and a poster for the Dark Knight Rises.
Currently three weeks after the massacre, police are no closer to learning exactly what led Holmes to allegedly open fire in a theater full of people.
Instead they got two court dates with an almost cationic defendant, reams of possible excuses from his psychiatrist and a debate over whether he is a super genius or not.
So, this time the facts can’t possibly get in the way of a good story.
According to previously published reports, Holmes, was paid a $26,000 stipend as part of an educational grant to study brain function.
Despite not working a job, he somehow was able to pay for more than 50 packages over four months received at home and at school. In the end, Holmes amassed 6,000 rounds of ammunition, he also was said to have purchased two Glock handguns, a shotgun and a .223 caliber Smith & Wesson rifle from local Colorado gun shops.
He abruptly left school after an oral exam before faculty, reports stated.
On the night in question, he allegedly paid for a ticket and during a point of the movie either opened the theater door to retrieve weapons or to make a grand entrance. There were reports of a smoke bomb of some sort and gun fire in the theater.
So why oh, why would such a “smart” kid do such a dumb and evil thing?
Holmes allegedly contacted filmmaker Dave Aragon, who directed a more violent trailer called: “The Suffocator of Sins, which shows Batman shooting up everything with guns. Aragon said Holmes allegedly quizzed him about the caped crusader’s motives for shooting up the bad guys and how many were killed.
If that wasn’t creepy enough, such a heinous crime spawned its own cottage industry.
Three mini douche bags, let’s call them Summer’s Eve bottles, or douchettes, were arrested for making menacing threats while viewing the Dark Knight Rises or after the movie ended.
In Maine, police arrested Timothy Courtois after he told authorities he was speeding en-route to the planned shooting of a former employer.
A search of the idiot’s home turned up a machine gun, assorted other firearms and what was described as “thousands of rounds,” of ammo.
He was arrested and charged with speeding and possession of a concealed weapon.
In Cali, a man was arrested during an afternoon showing of the film after he became the entertainment by allegedly yelling: “I should go off like in Colorado!” He then asked the audience if anyone had a gun.
Clark Tabor, 52, was seen by theater security with a backpack on his knees, was searched but no weapons were found.
A 37-year-old Ohio man identified as Scott A. Smith, was arrested after entering a Westlake movie theater to catch the latest Batman flick with a gym bag full-o-weapons.
Smith was questioned shortly after he entered the theater and a brief search allegedly found him in possession of a loaded 9 mm Glock, two additional magazines of ammunition, two knives in the bag and one located on his person.
He was arrested and charged with bringing weapons to a theater. A search of his abode turned up another eight rifles, a handgun, gas masks, a bullet proof vest and survival gear.
Whaa Whaa Wait, It Gets Worse
Holmes’ alleged cowardly massacre also was the subject of a Facebook Fan Page titled: “James Holmes” The tasteless page ultimately crashed from a huge viewership or was taken down a little over a week later.
In addition, it was reported that more than 24 Holmes-related Tumblr pages popped up after his arrest, with the creators of the pages nicknaming themselves – “Holmies.”
However, the worst bi-product of this evil act had to be the billboard in Caldwell, Idaho that was paid for by a group angry over US troops not returning from Afghanistan fast enough.
The billboard placed Holmes alongside US President Barack Obama with a blurb on the Holmes side stating, “Kills 12 in movie theater with assault rifle – everyone freaks out.” On the Obama side it read: “Kills thousand with his foreign policy – wins Nobel Peace Prize.”
Well, I guess that’s Middle America for ya?
So this month’s award for Douchiness goes to you James Holmes – you f’ing whacko.
Your decision to randomly decimate unsuspecting people in the dark and while they were enjoying a movie makes you one of the biggest cowards of all time. However your decision to not at least save us all the time and money and oft yourself, is the disturbing cherry on top of your cowardly act.
While you press every lever for an insanity defense, just remember crazy people don’t actually lay out their plans to kill people in a notebook to their shrink just weeks before carrying out the act. They also don’t have the where with all to stockpile weapons and meticulously booby-trap their apartment.
No, Douche Bag – I think the record will show you used your big brain to make the decision to allegedly attack a defenseless audience because anyone with a pulse would have stomped your sorry ass – you knew very much of what you were doing.
However, school is back in session and of course you can study the cerebrum. But the only brain you’ll be observing will be the type you’ll be giving your cellmate. So pucker up buttercup – you’re the Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag winner for July 2012.