Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
The day business mogul Donald Trump entered the Republican Presidential race last June, myself and probably every other liberal fell into a world of political bliss.
Could it be?
The Grand Ol’ Party was about to be co-oped by the bombast and the insanity that is the reality television star known for driving businesses to the brink and yelling, “You’re Fired?”
However, what was funny in 2015 for Liberals was not amusing at all to Conservatives, who continued to ignore Trump’s popularity among their base, which for years has included racists, separatists and anarchists.
It is for that reason that March 2016, as Conservatives battled it out in Michigan and compared dick-sizes, we were nominating Trump and the saga for control of the GOP for our Douchey McDouche Bag Award and officially kicking off the our coverage of the Race for the White House.
Trump, who was seen as a funny distraction, was thought to soon wished into the metaphorical cornfield.
“Serious” candidates like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, U.S. Senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz or at least by the brother and son of previous presidents like Jeb Bush, at time of press, stands as the presumptive Republican nominee for President.
As the entire slate of candidates tried their respective hand at representin’ the GOP, images of trained elephants danced in my head. However, in the end, what Republicans and Democrats both can learn was they had grossly underestimated Trump’s popularity and the strength of his “pimp hand.”
Yes, I said pimp hand.
Just like that unsavory pimp you saw in some un-named city rocking a colorful suit, hat and flashy car enroute to a hotel or convention center to make loot, Trump was about to embed himself in the boring old Republican party and handle his business.
Such colorful characters can be funny to us outsiders and even entertaining, but it is not a joke. Despite the peacocking, that pimp you laughed at was actually a serious businessman who was somehow making a reprehensible living in plain sight.
He or she is probably not a joke to the stable of professionals who are willing to do anything they command. Most will gladly whore themselves out for money to stay in their good graces.
That’s why when the race for the White House began last year, the orange skinned billionaire and television star may have been lampooned and generally not taken seriously by the Right, but was not seen as a joke to those of us who follow American politics.
In fact, Trump’s triumphs during the lengthy primary season came off like some pre-scripted reality show starring a seedy side of America’s white underbelly, Trump and the media.
But, for those of us who watch from the Left, this monumental cluster F looked like something usually only seen by the likes of Don Magic Juan, Mr. White Folks, Goldie or some pimp off the street. We had to ask ourselves, Can someone really pimp a political party?
We soon watched this orange douche bag implement at least five carved in stone pimp rules enroute to taking over the nation’s oldest political party and officially putting Abraham Lincoln on an endless rotisserie wherever he’s buried.
Think I’m being ridiculous?
Obviously, you know too little about the Pimp Game, set forth for the public in far too many Blaxploitation movies, rap songs, HBO documentaries and for our purposes, the nice people at deadspin.com, who after alleged pimp Steven McDaniel of Long Island, N.Y. was arrested a few years back, furnished the public with a step-by-step booklet for the nefarious profession known as “pimpin'”
Ho’s, Ho’s, Ho’s
Many pimps seem to build their stables on the backs of men and women who have survived some horrific circumstances of abuse. The “ho’s” are found while they are in a vulnerable state and suffering from a bout of a low level of self-esteem. Just when things look darkest, the pimp swoops in to make everything all right.
The damaged and the vulnerable are usually the playground for the smooth-talking opportunistic pimp, who usually has a douchey plan that is pretty straight forward and simple to everyone except his stable.
Basically, the abused work for the pimp in exchange for protection or representation and the pimp gets paid.
If you still think I’m buggin, watch HBO’s 1989 documentary “Pimp’s Up, Ho’s Down” or 2005 Emmy Award winner “Hustle and Flow,” then holla back.
In this version of Pimp’s Up, the Republican Party, fresh off its second beating by that Kenyan socialist Barack H. Obama, attempted to perform some soul searching by having many of its stalwart representatives, people like: 91-year-old Ralph Hall of Texas and most notably House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, banished in favor of political newbies in the Tea Party.
Although the change won it favor in Congress, it left the party without a true identity and with a boatload of anger at the political process.
In 2009, the GOP cheered their mid-term victories and clogged the political process, but did little to accommodate either their traditional backers: the rich and powerful, or its truly largest backers – white America’s poor and disenfranchised.
You know them. The poor slubs who backed horrible President George W. Bush twice and cheered him on as he plunged us into two major wars and the worst economic collapse since The Great Depression in 2000 and again in 2004.
As more and more Tea Party candidates filled the halls of Congress, the brimming confidence of 2004 had all but vanished and the party began to implode, but turning on itself during Obama’s first term.
Demoralized and with little self-esteem by the time the quest for the 2016 Presidential nomination began, there weren’t a few good candidates, but instead as many as 18 people all stating they knew the best way forward.
For Trump, these candidates were “pimp-able.” They all soon would have to leave the race or work the corner for him.
As for the Republican party, it became that sad, abused survivor with no esteem. It wasn’t long before The Donald would show them all he could still crack a cold Beck’s and keep his ho’s in check.
Trump was allowed to dismiss all of the traditional rules and ran his campaign for the Republican nomination with no nuances and little regard for his opponents, the party or anyone or thing that questioned his legitimacy.
The pimpin’ began as early as August of 2015 after he went after one of his biggest critics, “the highly respected right wing juggernaut Fox Network and its queen – Megyn Kelly.”
After the debate, Trump said he felt attacked by Kelly and Fox and soon took to Twitter to begin defaming and beating the Conservative network and the bubble headed bleach blonde with his mouth and then his phone.
But the Donald was only getting started.
In January 2016, Trump was still on some “‘ish” with Fox ahead of the important Iowa primary he dropped out and ran his own event. Politicians said the move dropped the GOP race into turmoil, which is precisely what Pimp Trump expected.
Without Trump, the Iowa debate became an unimportant event without an outcome. Like good ho’s, the other candidates handed over all the money by way of a bump in the polls over in the hopes that he might attend the next televised debate.
The move also pimp slapped Kelly and Fox, with a backhand and told him all he needed to know. Even though the GOP hated him, they needed him. By the time the Detroit debate came around in early March, Trump had the Republican National Committee (RNC) and the GOP eating out of his hand.
He became the center of attention for the Detroit debate, which missed important things like the Water Crisis in nearby Flint and instead focused on the size of his pimp hands and dick jokes.
Later in the month, he put the kybosh on a planned Fox News debate in Utah in late in March by stating he wouldn’t attend. When fellow challenger John Kasich also announced he too planned to skip the event, the debate was cancelled and before you knew it the stable was in check.
Soon fellow GOP candidates realized that the Donald’s pimp hand was strong, they all started falling into line, just like common street walkers. For those of us on the outside, it was disgusting and pathetic, but for Pimp Master General Trump, it was like the primary had become his personal planetarium show and he was the star.
Once it became clear Trump was presumptively going to be the GOP’s man, suddenly Kelly was doing talk shows on other networks and working up an alliance with the douchey Donald.
As has been the case this political season, all those who opposed Trump on the GOP side were beaten down and were soon trickin’ on Figueroa.
Soon after, others followed.
NJ Gov. Chris Christie, known as a firebrand, a straight shooter and the man who said Trump was unsuited to serve as President, wasted little time in abdicating to the Donald.
He exited the race and faster than you could say Jack Spratt, he was on his knees kissing things and scrubbing out Trumps underwear.
An obvious choice for “Bottom B,” Christie was soon seen standing behind the man he said was not qualified to be President and even allowing the GOP candidate to have fun at his expense.
There were one liners about his weight.
One liners about how badly he ran New Jersey.
And before you knew it, that former tough guy; the one who may have tried to do a Good Fellas imitation on you in 2010 and ask: “You laughing at me?” was donning pumps and nylons and asking Trump if he needed a comfort girl for the night.
Um, yeah Chris, he was laughing at you.
No worries, soon the likes of Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and even John McCain were jumping on the Trump Express and asking things like: “Does this color make me look fat?” and quoting prices for an “Ol’ fashioned” and an “Around the World.”
Things Fall Apart – A Conservative Story
Many saw this as the final nail in the coffin for the current manifestation of the Republican Party, but most of us knew the seeds for that implosion were first planted back in 2008.
In 2008 the Grand Ol’ Party took a collective double whammy and soon to be President Obama was too darn polite to gloat.
Think about it, not only were political heavyweights like Sen. John McCain and other handed a loss, but they were unable to use their go to, the incumbent – George W. Bush. W. won two terms, but had destroyed the economy so completely that he wasn’t allowed to deliver the keynote at the party’s convention – the usual victory lap for a sitting, lame duck President.
The old guard members of the party vowed to be fully vested in preventing both a second Obama term and of course his heralded passage of a law for Universal Healthcare. In the end, they accomplished neither.
By the time the 2012 election came around, the Tea Party became a splinter group inside the GOP and was gobbling up seats in Congress like a deranged Pacman, “Obamacare” was the law of the land and somehow Obama had a real shot at re-election.
While Conservatives delighted in gaining seats in the “Do Nothing Congress” in the Midterm, they somehow missed that this openly separate branch of the Conservative movement was not beholden to the party’s status quo. In fact, Tea Party candidates began largely replacing the old Guard, which vanished with little resistance.
The change, although ignored by many Conservatives, impacted the 2012 race, whose nomination fell to venture capitalist/Mormon outsider Mitt Romney and rising political star Paul Ryan to stop the grossly unpopular Obama.
Romney, who authored the blue print for federal healthcare, but was not allowed to hail it, was also beaten like a naughty school boy and bing, bang, boom â€“ Obama was in for his second term.
During those early days of the President’s second term, GOP members in Congress refused to pass anything proposed, repealed Federal Healthcare about 50 times and took on the role of haters. One of the most noted, Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, a Tea Party leader, once filibustered the assembly in the hopes of closing down the government and ending federal healthcare.
No amount of green eggs and ham, could launch Ted into a happy place, but he didn’t care. So he ran for President in an unwieldy field of almost 20 candidates along with Christie, Carly Fiorina, Best Boy Dr. Ben Carson, a retired Black neurosurgeon; wildly successful Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, Jeb Bush and of course The Donald.
The race was actually launched by the GOP’s ouster of Speaker of the House John Boehner from the party’s top spot for not being conservative enough. Cry baby John, who had been Speaker of the largely Republican House of Representatives since 2008, left with a whimper after proclaiming he couldn’t unite the party.
Somehow this revelation was not seen as a harbinger of the upcoming GOP race and search for a 2016 nominee. Instead the change in the party was ignored and the Republicans went without a true leader until Paul Ryan was begged to put his Presidential aspirations on hold and lead.
It was into this vacuum that the Trump nomination was born and faster than quips about every candidate in the field a former New York Democrat became the face of the Grand ‘Ol Party.
As the Rage Against the Machine presidential season arose in 2016, stalwarts like, the Koch brothers, Sumner Redstone, Sheldon Adelson and Rupert Murdoch, were all kicked to the curb by voters who finally saw these greedy billionaires as no longer representative of their concerns.
However, on the Conservative side of the voter rebellion, the angry electorate turned from the old puppet masters to Trump, a self-absorbed shill who liked talking tough and openly giving a voice to racists and xenophobes from the Ku Klux Klan and Aryan Brotherhood to the average racist next door.
Under the banner of : “Making America Great Again,” Trump gained unexpected traction among Conservative voters who again chose another disaffected mogul to fight for the cause of the “average” white American.
He could openly reflect their thoughts, he was against Obama, wanted to build a wall to keep Mexicans out, put Russia and China in their place and was as tough as Reagan, of at least Clint Eastwood during his empty chair speech. He also was not about to take any stuff off those status quo Republican money men who’d been allowed to pick their candidates since Richard Nixon resigned.
“Never Trump!” Um, yeah Right
This now archaic term was uttered unrepentantly by established Republicans who somehow had hitched their pathetic wagons to Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio during the early part of the primary season.
It sounded good, but you knew as thirsty as the GOP was for a victory, they really could care less about who was capable of delivering them a win in November.
Proclaimed as late as May 2016 when the notion of Trump NOT winning the GOP candidacy was laughable, secret groups were meeting to determine who would somehow be selected during the September Republican Convention to ouster The Donald.
Not exactly a new concept in Republican-ville, people forget such a feat was pulled off in 1880 when the then Liberal minded Republicans replaced presumptive candidates James Blaine and U.S. Treasury Secretary John Sherman with Congressman James Garfield at the convention.
It almost happened again in 1976 when incumbent and former Veep Gerald Ford won the nomination, but a political upstart named Ronald Reagan pondered unseating him at the convention.
During this year’s contentious race, establishment Republican candidates like Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and John Kasich vowed to never back Trump. Before losing in the primary, they joined with GOP veterans like Mitch McConell and House Majority Leader Paul Ryan to say – Never!
Things changed quickly after Trump won the nomination in May 2016 and “never” became a possibly and then undecided, before Trump broke out his pimpin’ stick and started cracking skulls.
Early attempts to go in this direction were met with stiff opposition from Trump. He threatened to run as an independent in September of 2015 and was quickly made to sign a pledge to the RNC.
At the time, with a lead in the polls, the move drew a collective sigh of relief from Conservatives.
As his inflammatory statements grew along with his lack of reliance on donations from the likes of the Koch brothers and others, established Republicans began talking slick about making the GOP Convention contested and bumping its top vote getter.
After pointing to the possible change at the Convention as unsavory, Trump again let his ho’s know who was in control by threatening to unleash the hounds, which in his case would be the KKK and Nazi Party. He said if he won the necessary delegates, but was not made the GOP candidate for President there would be riots.
Things got even more interesting when Kasich and Cruz vowed to join forces, like the Wonder Twins trying to play “Keep Away” with the nomination. However, Trump again slapped both ho’s in line and soon after they dropped out of the race and pledged their allegiance to Team Orange.
The final attempt to question his authority came in early June when neo-conservative political insider William Kristol set forth unknown candidate Tennessee attorney David French in a piece he penned for the Weekly Standard.
French, who was the special secret #NeverTrump candidate, meekly packed up his tent and dropped out before actually getting into the race. You know how this game works, “Yo, bitch chose me!,” to quote Snoop Dogg.
When all of the ho’s were in check, the pieces began falling in line and the world became a douchier place when the GOP was officially Trumped and put on the “Ho Stroll,” in early June.
In conclusion, by nominating Trump, some say the GOP has lost its sense of decency and should be ashamed of themselves, but just like that trick on the stroll, it’s all about making money. So, is it that surprising the country’s oldest political party is mirroring those participating in the oldest profession?
So, this one goes out to you Republican Party, make that money, but don’t let that money make you. You racist, spineless, demigod promoting douches!
You’re the Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag Award winner for March 2016. Enjoy your award and don’t be mad if you ironically get beaten by a woman. Remember, it’s hard out here for a pimp.