Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The December 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
The end of 2012 came and went, but not without the appearance of a clear cut douche bag with all of the trimmings.
Any concerns over who would win December’s top prize vanished on Friday, Dec. 14, 2012, when Adam Lanza donned black combat fatigues and armed himself with his mother’s household weapons arsenal before descending upon an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut with murder on his mind.
The 20-year-old Lanza capped off a murderous year with another un-provoked shooting of defenseless people.
This time the gunman murdered 20 children, six school administrators and his mother before ridding the world of his sorry ass.
Sadly, our column, which has routinely poked fun at an assortment of shameless douche bags for more than a year, in 2012 was turned into a police blotter due to the actions of more than a few dickwads who decided to grab their respective assault weapons and unload on unarmed human targets.
In such a violent year, when both our July and August awards were earned by cowards with assault weapons, how were we to know that our December Douche Bag would literally end the year with – well, you know.
We are almost embarrassed to point out the douchiness of the individuals, when perhaps we should instead point to their tools of destruction – guns. Because access to unlimited, high-powered firearms are the obvious common denominator in all three of this year’s massacres, it’s almost disrespectful and petty of us to call them douche bags when evil bastards would be a much better description.
So, we’ll bear the burden for our petty transgressions on this odious act, which will undoubtedly impact the way we gun-loving Americans continue our torrid romance with firearms.
In a year that saw both James Holmes and Wade Michael Page open up on unsuspecting movie goers and worshippers, respectively, Lanza’s spree put the “D” in dastardly when the troubled young man began his morning on that fateful day by shooting his mother to death.
Reports suggest Adam Lanza then stole his mother’s car and drove to the Sandy Hook Elementary School where he armed himself with several firearms, including a .223 caliber Bushmaster semiautomatic rifle and pushed his way into the school, killing six administrators and 20 children largely all first graders.
While authorities continue to pour over possible motives, early information seems to suggest that Lanza calculatingly shot his mother, possibly after it appeared she had pondered committing him to a psychiatric facility.
Preliminary reports suggest that Nancy Lanza, the first victim of the rampage, homeschooled the shooter and was herself a gun collector. While it appears Adam Lanza may have harbored some mental health issues, Ms. Lanza stored at least five guns, two handguns, a semi-automatic rifle and two hunting rifles on the premises with knowledge of her son’s mental concerns.
In addition, reports have also stated the Lanza’s enjoyed shooting off their weapons at a local range where the murderous Adam Lanza obviously honed his marksmanship skills.
Authorities currently are pouring over Adam Lanza’s personal computer and questioning why the douche bag was thought to have worn earplugs while spraying innocent children and their teachers.
Authorities wonder why Lanza returned to an elementary school from his youth with a vengeance?
Why he allegedly stole his brother’s identification before going on his murderous spree?
Why he targeted the very young?
Well, here at Boom Bap Radio, we can provide answers to all the questions about the Newtown shooting in the flippant, yet facetious manner that seems to embrace the obvious answer.
Because he was a friggin’ Douche Bag!!!!!
Lanza, like all of these “model citizens” from 2012 decided to arm themselves to the teeth and go hunting for people who obviously missed the memo about preparing for sociopathic lone gunmen. That’s right, just like all of those other gunmen in our disgusting rogue’s gallery, he went for the unarmed.
The only question we have is: Why don’t these dickheads go play shoot ‘em up at an army base, or maybe a police station or any large household in the state of Texas?
Oh that’s right, they’re cowards and only want to attend gunfights where they are the only ones with the firearms – what a bunch of mopes.
The only other question that prevails is why they don’t get their cadence correct and blow their heads off first before killing strangers in public places?
Most of these lone gunmen types seem to commit suicide anyway, so why not make that the first order of business?
I guess those of us in the heavily armed United States of America, will have to just continue to wait on that answer.
In the end, the tragedy in Connecticut has renewed talks about the American relationship with guns, and the ability to buy as many as we want.
President Obama has vowed to shape new laws that will make it more difficult for such massacres to occur in the future.
Leadership from the powerful National Rifle Association (NRA) dug in and called for more guns, this time in the hands of teachers, armed guards and administrators.
And as a nation, what did our dumbasses do?
We bought more guns!
According to reports, background checks for guns were calculated over 2.7 million in the month of December 2012. In fact, only in 1998 have more background checks for the possible purchase of guns been conducted through the FBI’s National Instant Check System (NICS).
Law enforcement believe the spike in possible gun sales are tied to an overall concern that new laws may limit the purchase of firearms in the future.
Oh, how predictable.
However, for me all these incidents show is a need to eliminate unlimited access to and private use of guns. I know it will never happen here, but just think how many more people would be alive today if that became a reality. Maybe smart gun technology from the 80’s will re-appear or maybe someone will follow Chris Rock’s idea and raise taxes and the price of bullets?
Please don’t hold your breath, the silence can really be deadly.
So as we mop up another crime scene, look at placing more armed guards in our public schools and of course stock up on more guns, we here at Boom Bap Radio want to recognize, he who shall no longer be named and all of the avid gun collectors who add to a delirious gun culture by purchasing more and more guns like no place else in the world.
Here’s to you killer of children, you evil, Second Amendment distorting, CSI watching, violent video game player, gun enthusiast.
You’ve made our job easy, but ruined the lives of every American – you no longer living – Douche Bag!