Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The October 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
Every month we work to recount the lamest of the lame, the douchiest of the douchey, but in the year of 2015, mass shootings by lone gunmen and terrorists have dominated the fare.
It is for that reason this October 2015 was a special time.
October 2015 turned out to be a refreshing change and a monumental disaster all at once.
For the first time in months, we didn’t just point out aimless losers looking to kill, but instead the implosion of a political philosophy that has dominated the American landscape since 1968, when Richard Nixon won his first term.
Like watching a massive structure being brought down with explosives, this month began a road to ruin for the Republicans – the nation’s oldest party, which is predominately represented by White Americans.
Grand and Old, Republicans have been in the midst of a mid-life crisis since the 2008 election.
Imagine representing the establishment and losing two elections to a virtually unknown neophyte politician, who just also happened to be Black?
The back to back losses brought out the crazy in the Grand Ol’ Party and by 2012 the Tea Party was driving the bus.
If that wasn’t bad enough news, a groundswell of candidates running for the right to head the GOP in 2016 further diluted the focus and overall message of a party that has made America a haven for the wealthy, but masqueraded as a representative of the “common man.”
However as things continue to shakeout, October 2015 will be the month everyone points to as the beginning of the end or a change of direction for the conservatives.
In the end, October was a douchey month, where the first rats began abandoning ship in preparation of an amorphous political message, just in time for a national election against a winning incumbent party.
The “Party of No,” which has been so accustomed to mindlessly repeating all of the same points for the last 40-years of so, somehow lost its compass and turned from lock-step-jack-booting for a spasmodic free form dance, like the drunk hippie chick at the party – it was disturbing.
It was this wishy-washy offensive that set the tone for the October 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award. No killers here – only douche bags fighting each other for the right to lead.
I Can’t See Them Coming From My Eyes
GOP Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner got the douchefest off to a disgustingly moist start in September when he announced his plans to resign as Speaker of the House at the end of October.
Although the timing was oddly placed at the beginning of the political season, the Ohio Republican leader’s tearful decision was seen as yet another failure to GOP hardliners and a triumph for liberals in this – “The Age of Obama.”
Boehner, who fought the Affordable Healthcare Act tooth and nail, first showed himself to be a sob sister during a 2010 60 Minutes interview shortly after he replaced maligned Democratic Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
In the middle of the innocuous interview with the Ohio politician, talk began to drift towards his beginnings and somehow after recalling helping his father with janitorial work, he began to weep. Seconds later, as we got in touch with his softer side and stammers about “the kids,” Boehner lost it completely and the tears have never quite stopped.
Known from that point forward as a “baller,” conservatives believed Boehner, who became the face of opposition to President Barack Obama for liberals, became seen as too moderate for the Tea Partiers. I personally thought old boy might have been a straight up drunk.
For a guy who cries at the sign of the morning sun, Boehner’s tears have been almost commonplace over the years, but this latest weep-fest came after an encounter with the head of the Catholic Church Pope Francis.
After seeing the Catholic Pontiff on his D.C. visit, Crybaby John began tuning up for another super soaker and in doing so decided to resign his post atop of the GOP because he simply didn’t believe he could bring this bunch together.
I wonder how much Scotch Whiskey went into that decision?
They’ve lamented his leadership since the White House was lost in 2008 and surprisingly re-elected him as Speaker in January of 2015.
The move, which of course caused open weeping from Boehner, set the tone for what was to be a contested term. With 25 votes against him, the re-election was seen as a veritable “revolt” and the most contentious re-election of a speaker in the last century.
With the primaries looming, Boehner exited stage right and in doing so, may have pulled the first Jenga block in the tower that had been the crumbling edifice known as the GOP.
Meet The New Boss, Same As the Old Boss
One of the early replacements for “The Weeper of the House” was California Republican Kevin McCarthy, the House Majority Leader.
A collective sigh of relief came with thoughts of McCarthy, but it was easily drowned out by the collective queef heard through the douche-sphere when that same McCarthy spurned the nomination due a perceived shortage of votes from House Republicans.
The fear that all conservatives would not “come together, right not over” him made McCarthy reconsider and whine about the inability to bring the segmented party together and prevent repeating embarrassing new staples like defaulting on U.S. debt.
McCarthy’s fears forced a douchey centrifuge of the unknown for the GOP and it wasn’t long before they just started throwing out names of unknowns like: Rep. Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, Rep, Jason Chaffetz of Utah, Rep. Daniel Webster of Florida and Rep. Jeb Hensarling of Texas to fill the void.
The conservative identity crisis moped on for days and they could ring up Jesus to take the wheel, a groundswell began for Rep. Paul Ryan to leave the House Ways and Means Committee, which he chaired.
Ryan, from Wisconsin, the 2012 running mate of Mitt Romney, had gained his star in the GOP walk of shame by trotting out a fiscal plan that would decimate entitlement programs like Welfare and Social Security rather than raise taxes on the wealthy.
Before being pummeled by Obama in 2012, Ryan was seen as the “it-girl” of the Republican Party. He was their future, but after losing to the colored fella, he’d kind of fallen off the map.
He first turned down a call for his services as the new Speaker of the House, stating the same unity issues with Tea Party hardliners. Then, as if by magic, Ryan changed his mind and started giving a list of demands of his own.
The position would have to be less about fundraising and more about delivering the party’s message, according to the 45-year-old Ryan. He said if his party member entrust in him and do a better job of getting along he would be the solution for the party thrashed twice by Obama.
Sporting a scruffy beard, Ryan later accepted the nomination as Speaker of the House, which of course took him off the board for any presidential or vice presidential considerations.
However, once one fire was extinguished in the house of the GOP, the entire downstairs was ablaze as the GOP primary loomed on the horizon.
As September picked up steam, the douchefest continued when the GOP primary season officially began.
In past years, such an event would bring the opportunity for a losing political party to right the ship by electing a clear and present leader with a laser focus on the issues.
However, for this group of rightwing political sheep it became just another chapter in the saga against that B who allowed Benghazi to happen and likes to keep her emails secretive.
You would think with only one slot available, it would be simple to select the most clearly omnipotent and masterful candidate to lead the charge against Hillary Clinton. Afterall this political contest has been at least a decade in the making.
Easy-peasy – right?
Not if you’re a group of self-absorbed douche bags.
In the continuing douchedom of the day, a befuddling field of as many as 18 candidates stepped forward to announce each one was the clear choice to represent the GOP – it was pathetic.
With such a healthy field of candidates, you would think we’d be able to survey the entire width and breadth of the party, but these are Republicans, so it was 18 different ways to discuss Voodoo economics and need to repeal Obamacare.
They all hate immigrants and the possibility of them becoming naturalized citizens, they all wanted to declare war on Iran, Iraq and ISIS, but could bring themselves to discuss who exactly would be putting the boots on the ground and of course they all plan to fix the economy which appears to be recovering after the Great Recession.
All in all, this group is pretty scary.
It was like a bad horror movie where you just knew each one would die off in some horrible fashion, but you just couldn’t avert your eyes.
However, we’d seen this movie before.
Just like any American horror movie, the field of GOP hopefuls was led by a brotha who you just knew was not going to make it to the end of the flick.
Can you say Herman Cain? How about Colin Powell?
So this year’s darkie, Dr. Ben Carson, strode into the primary season as the front-runner only to buck and shine his way to the head of the class before a corporate type became the most compelling candidate.
However, unlike 2012, when Mittens Romney broke out his “It’s My Turn” card, the 2016 race’s corporatist was not part of the fold, but had bullied his way onto the stage and into the GOP’s top spot.
Making orange the new red, television personality and shady businessman Donald Trump, soon emerged as the head of the pack and gave no sign of relenting at time of press.
Trump, who is best known for his multiple bankruptcies and saying, “You’re fired!” on his television show created a Conservative nightmare for the GOP.
He was everything they feared a member of the cult of personality, who doesn’t march in lockstep and doesn’t need the money of the Koch Brothers or Summers Redstone.
Where they praise faux mavericks like Sen. John McCain, real individualists like Trump are douche bags, and we could go on and on to tell you how they’re warm and funny looking in the beginning, but usually indicate by their use, that there’s a real problem.
With a field full of well-known and stalwart Republican candidates like Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin, you know there’s no way someone outside the process like The Donald are supposed to flourishing “up in here, up in here.”
Surprisingly, as September burned away, the only thing not going away was Donald Trump and all of his bluster and swagger.
He said all Mexicans were rapists and drug dealers and should not be allowed in the country, he said currently U.S. foreign policy was inept and finally said Muslims should be relegated to a list and he was speaking about a guest list.
In fact, Trump’s list, which was more like the list that spawn “Schindler’s List” would be created to inventory all of the Muslims so some government agency could tell us who was naughty or nice.
Yes, Trump became a darling of the media and ultra-right wing Republicans who have been hoping and meeting, be it in hoods, jack-boots or brown shirts, for such a candidate.
Whether they liked it or not, Trump became the conscience of the GOP. The guy who didn’t need to be secretly taped hating on the poor or get caught in a lie about whether he is a racist or not. He is and “what are you going to do about it?” seemed to be his position.
Unrepentant in his positions, Trump attacked his fellow candidates and served as the side of the GOP they always knew existed, but were too punk to admit to existing.
Some mused that the unsinkable Trump was a plant by former pal Hillary Clinton or the perfect way to finally gut and kill this Grand Ol’ political philosophy, but either way he was douchey and absolutely what appears to be the beginning of the end of the way things were done along Conservative Way.
Just like Sarah Palin and the Tea Party before him, Trump is a douche bag that is intent on out douche bagging the party of douche bags into oblivion, just because he can.
How fitting and ironic.
But remember, it all started with Cry baby John’s tearful goodbye.
By forcing its longtime leadership to say “ba-bye,” ahead of the race against the likes of Hillary Clinton, before she is actually nominated as the candidate of the left, is a little premature, but very douchey. It really doesn’t matter how many times you say: “Benghazi” or take that little blue pill.
In the end, whether these are tears of joys for the liberals or tears of sorrow for the old guard of the GOP, things are a changing.
So GOP this one goes out to you. Grab your box of tissues for John Boehner and for the way things used to be done, this may be the end of the line for the party of Nixon, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, H.W. Bush and W.
There’s a new sheriff in town and he’s a douche bag, who doesn’t care what you or anybody else thinks, but the implosion of your Neo-conic way of thinking how it faded off into the sunset wins the Boom Bap Radio October 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
So enjoy your trophy, you self-centered; racists, elitist – douches!