Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The September 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
As the summer came to an end and seasons began to change, it was obvious that even though Fall approached, the more things changed the more they had remained the same.
The troubling phenomenon involving a young, lone gunman had again reared its ugly head.
Like an endless loop that plays itself out every month, we at Boom Bap Radio again looked to anoint another lone gunman on another school or college campus shooting spree.
Although obviously douchey, what made our subject the douchiest for the month of September was the fact that his killing spree seemed to be almost a carbon copy..er, check that, Xerox, er…photo shopped version of a past mass shooting.
I mean, it’s despicable enough to kill scores of unarmed people, but we think it’s even worse to do so as some kind of sick imitation. No one likes a copy-cat.
A sicko identified as Christopher Harper-Mercer grabbed his legally purchased hand gun and rifle and strode into his expository writing class at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon and coldly merked eight classmates and his instructor for no apparent reason.
The twenty-six-year-old was said to have been armed with nearly a dozen weapons and torturously singled out students and asked them about their religious affiliations before shooting them to death one by one.
In the end, Harper-Mercer killed eight students and an assistant instructor and wounded another seven student before being wounded himself in a hail of bullets from authorities. The douche ultimately ate a bullet and ended the siege without additional struggle.
Harper-Mercer had only been enrolled in the Roseburg, Oregon college for a few weeks before he chose to shoot unarmed people and ultimately himself.
According to reports, Harper-Mercer was a transplant from California, who failed to make the cut with the army in 2008.
Some reports suggest the quiet, awkward young man was fascinated with the Irish Republican Army as well a mass shootings in the United States.
He reportedly urged college colleagues to watch the online footage of our August Douchey McDouche Bag Vester Flanagan and noted that the more mass killings, the greater place one would have in the limelight.
So, in this case, a douche bag watched another douche bag and decided to emulate his douchey acts, with an equally tragic outcome.
The Sincerest Form of Flattery
In what is another disgustingly douchey similarity, Harper-Mercer was trained to shoot by his mother, in a scenario reminiscent to the killer in Newtown, Conn. Before going to class that day, Harper-Mercer, an Army reject, armed himself with 13 firearms.
Police found a 14th gun on the premises where he lived with him mother after his murderous spree.
Harper-Mercer’s mom, who is a nurse, possessed multiple firearms and was a staunch supporter of the U.S 2nd Amendment. According to reports, Laurel looked to purchase all of the guns she could in case they were someday outlawed.
She routinely took her troubled son to shooting ranges and also reportedly sought ranges that allowed for Mother and son to fire away without supervision.
Unlike that of the murderer in Connecticut, Harper-Mercer did not start his spree at home and then descend upon the school.
No, no our douche bag calmly talked to his former classmates and not only ghoulishly picked through them, but ordered one into the corner with an envelope and like some demented contestant was deemed the “lucky one.”
Like so many of the lone gunmen who kill unarmed people in our country, Harper-Mercer vowed to not be taken alive and of course left some racist laced manifesto behind on a thumb drive.
Who’s That Knockin’ On My Window?
The killings pulled the tiny Oregon community together as hundreds turned out to honor the dead students and condemn the murderous spree.
However, in a move only understood by a certain segment of American society, a portion of those nice folks would ban together just days later to warn their country’s President about the repercussions he’d face if he too paid tribute to the victims.
President Obama, who has continually called for changes in the gun laws, again questioned the lack of change in U.S. gun laws and was again said to be politicizing a tragedy by Conservatives and other haters.
“Somehow this has become routine,” Obama said in his press conference. “The reporting is routine. My response at this podium ends up being routine. The conversation in the aftermath of it, We’ve become numb to this.”
Obama said he will continue to draw attention to the obvious concerns with gun violence and a need for tighter gun laws, despite being accused of politicizing the more than 300 mass shootings that have occurred in the U.S. this year.
In line with the mantra that comes from the right, Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush chimed in and referred to the shootings as a symptom of nothing. Or as he put it: “stuff happens.”
Residents of the Roseburg and other Oregonians gathered in the hundreds days later when President Obama visited the shattered community.
Carrying signs that read things like “Nobama” and wearing t-shirts that read things like “F— Obama,” showed up armed and defiant when Obama landed. Area residents resented the visit from Washington as divisive and political.
Many assembled saw no connection between the shooting and a need to revisit gun laws.
Largely, a tragic story about a pretty unremarkable teen, who rode a wave of violence and gunplay in America to what is becoming a pretty unremarkable outcome
Outside of the deaths, which were needless, the Oregon shooting says more about us as Americans than it could possibly say about the douche bag with a possible mental condition.
The fact that this shooting faded quietly into obscurity just days later seems to suggest, that as a society we’ve become so used to these seemingly weekly klllings that we tend to give it a collective side-eye and move onto the next shooting.
Our indifference is disturbing, especially when we should be outraged that more and more kids leave for school in the morning only to never return again because some dick-weed with a gun decided to exercise his Second Amendment rights and share his anger.
It all plays like some douchey After School Special where the strange loner kid, sulks, listens to some Morrissey or death metal and takes an obligatory ride to the local Walmart where he stocks up on all of his Second Amendment booty and plans something evil.
You already know how it ends, the loner walks into a school and begins blasting any and everyone. Faster than you can say: “boo-yah,” he quietly skulks into a corner and eats a bullet himself – ho, friggin’ hum.
Such was the case in September of 2015 when a young man given to tantrums and riding his red bicycle everywhere in town decided to play target practice with his instructor and students in his college writing class.
This is not about the 2nd Amendment or the British returning to take back their colony or even about big government trying to take away more of ours rights. No, you morons, this is simply about what happens when any Tom, Dick or Harry is given unlimited access to more firepower than the Tokyo and London police forces with none of the training.
Because this September some depressed douche from Oregon just won Boom Bap Radio’s 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award for September.
So cue the Pearl Jam again and somehow pick up your trophy, you troubled, lonely, psychopathic douche!