Happy Holidays! Under our tree this year we found a whack-assed collection of gifts that I personally wish would have been taken away by the Grinch or at least that skinny Santa from the Friday movies. Somewhere between hardcore rappers performing at bar mitzvah’s and Puffy’s performance on Hawaii Five-O, things have gone terribly wrong in the 21st Century for Hip Hop culture. In the end, this season’s gifts show how pathetically commercial the art form has become.
Wanna sound like a cat-in-a-hat rapper? Love the way your voice sounds through Auto Tunes? Well, this may be the gift for you. Just think, it wasn’t that long ago that Cannibus and LL Cool J almost came to blows over a microphone tattoo, but their’s didn’t have this street smart bedazzler kit.
The Nicki Minaj Doll:
Dubbed the black Barbie, this bug-eyed beauty is the torpedo-boobed, tiny waisted, equivalent of the doll that’s been giving women a complex for at least six decades. Okay, okay, I know the doll was a created to raise funds for Project Angel Food, which provides food for those affected by HIV and AIDS, but I bet this item will be available to the public quick fast and in a hurry. What’s next? The Waka Flocka Flame action figure?
The Black Eyed Peas Experience
The video game for the wick-whack. That’s right, if you want to get it started in a totally non-Hip Hop way, pick up this little gem. Described as a Hip Hop version of Dance, Dance, Revolution, you can hear all the whack-assed hits that made this former Hip Hop group go Pop. Hey maybe it ain’t all bad, at least you get a shot at harming them with a light-sabers.
Justin Bieber – Under the Mistletoe:
Hip Hop artists from all walks of life crowed about hanging with “The Biebs,” in 2011. The teen wunderkind’s voice changed and he put out what would prove to be the season’s biggest selling holiday album. Am I the only one who longs for the old days when Hip Hop royalty would have laughed out loud at hanging with this feminine looking youngster? He doesn’t exactly scream street cred. I’m just saying…
Tattoo Art – Airbrush Set:
Do you remember that annoying kid you met, who wasn’t from the hood, but wore fake assed frowns, hi-tek boots and scully hats in the pursuit of being cool. Well, now they’re buying their kids this little gem, an “easy, safe and washable,” tattoo kit. Nothing quite says “Poser,” like this toy, which teaches children the need to mar their bodies with fake tattoos in pursuit of acceptance from a shallow society that actually feels the need to say – “Hey, look at me, I’m special.”