Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The April 2013 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
This Month’s Douchey McDouche Bag Award entry comes with a heavy heart for the city of Boston and the senseless deaths caused by a bombing during the Boston Marathon.
However, we’d be remiss to not point out the enormous amount of douchiness that was exuded in the month of April 2013 as a result of this act of terror.
So, what do you call a couple of jerks who plant homemade bombs at a populous gathering for no specific reason?
You may call them terrorists, and you’d be accurate.
However, here at Boom Bap Radio we call them: “Douche” and friggin’ ”Bag.”
For their role in the April 15, 2013 bombing at the Boston Marathon, brothers: Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev are undoubtedly the April 2013 winners of the Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
The makeshift bombs killed three people: 8-year-old Martin Richard, 23-year-old Lu Lingzi, as well as 29-year-old Krystie Campbell, a participant in the race. The douchey act of terror also injured and maimed nearly 300 others who attended the annual race.
For our sake, we’ll refer to Dzhokhar, 19, found hiding in a backyard boat as the aforementioned “Douche” and older brother Tamerlan, 26, as “Bag,” being that he was bagged and tagged after he was shot by authorities and then run over by his baby bro during an early morning altercation with police on April 19, 2013.
The haphazard nature of their crime is supposed to be the tithesis of terror; it appeared to be unpredictable in nature and pulled off only to maim and kill, but the two Chechen natives seemed to put a cherry on top of that concept.
Surveillance videos appear to show these two douche bags strolling down to the Boston Marathon, which wasn’t far from the neighborhood in which they grew up, and calmly planting two pressure cooker bombs, choc-full-o nuts metal nuts and bolts among a crowd of thousand unsuspecting onlookers without provocation.
However, unlike their fellow anarchists in places like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan, these two decided to not take one of the team and instead ran away before the blast went off – so much for the whole dying for the cause piece.
The bombing on April 15 only began what seemed like a marathon game of hide and seek for Boston area police and federal authorities in the days after the attacks.
So what started as hopelessness on a Monday, deteriorated into confusion and anger by Tuesday.
Who could have done such a thing?
Why would someone do such a thing?
The bombing wrote not only a horrible chapter in American history, for its brutality, but also set in motion one of the biggest by-products of the information age – something I call the “Media Swirl.”
Ewww – It’s Media Swirl !!!
Because there is no longer any filter system to separate fiction from fact, the public gets bombarded with all the information reporters and editors used to sift through before producing a news product that was largely based on fact.
The combination of sketchy television news, blogging info, social media and eyewitness accounts is mashed together to give us what I call: “The Media Swirl.” It may sound fruity and delicious, but it’s usually more shit than shineola.
The nation’s oldest newspaper, the New York Post went with the headline: “Bag Men” and a shot of two young people they identified as the bombing suspects.
The two, one of whom was a 17-year-old high school student, were interrogated by police and later released.
Then I guess it was time for the amateurs to screw it up.
During the same time period, online junkies at Reddit, who obviously had watched too much CSI, identified 22-year-old Sunil Tripathi as a suspect and later alleged on Twitter he had been arrested.
Tripathi a student of Brown University, had been missing for a month and his family set up a Facebook page inquiring about his whereabouts. Days after the Boston attacks, Tripathi was found in the Indian River, dead of an apparent suicide. Reddit apologized.
So, as we wondered about why and who, the media errantly reported arrests had been made while the feds and local police poured over surveillance footage. Soon we had the first look at the dastardly, douchey, duo, captured from building cams just moments before their deed.
Days later there was a report of a gunfight and carjacking.
The oldest brother, Tamerlan, was mortally wounded by Police and somehow the younger brother escaped the scene and into the Watertown area.
More errant media reports suggested the area around Watertown, Mass had been shut down as authorities allegedly went “house to house” in search of the surviving Tsarnaev brother.
By nightfall on Friday April 19th, the manhunt was over and Dzhokhar was taken into custody after what was being termed an exchange of gunfire surrounding a boat in someone’s backyard.
By the time the public was made aware that Dzhokhar was indeed alive and taken into custody, there was collective sigh of relief, just in time for everything to get just got plain old silly.
The mother of the suspects, Zubeidat Tsarnaev , was interviewed from someplace called Dagestan, and refused to believe her babies had anything to do with the attacks. Instead she suggested the attacks were part of hoax by the government.
For Mrs. Tsarnaev, who was reportedly wanted in the US due to old shoplifting and property damages charges, the bombing was all part of a governmental hoax. She instead believed a video she’d seen that advanced the theory.
Not so kookie, if you believe the landing on the Moon was shot in a California studio or that holocaust was a created event, or if you used to be a talk show host for the Fox Network.
On April 19th, Glen Beck, the insane television personality, tied the attacks to a mysterious Saudi man, who was allegedly arrested by the Feds on the day of the attacks. On his show, which appears on something called – The Blaze network, Beck said the man was arrested and then cleared as part of a “false flag” operation by the government.
He then said his “law enforcement sources” told him that the man, who was a known terrorist, was cleared following a secret meeting between President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and the Saudi foreign minister and ambassador.
Beck then issued the President of the United States a strongly worded ultimatum, stating that the captured Saudi is, “a very bad, bad, bad man” and that the government had until April 22, 2013 – to expose the truth or he would do so.
We’re still waiting for Beck to the release of “the most important information in American history” and for him to at least consider counseling or a refreshing douche.
The Saudi student was later identified as someone injured in the bombings, by Homeland Security. Another Saudi was said to be detained for Visa violations. Both were said to have no connection to the bombing attacks.
Then it got funkier.
Tennessee State Senator Stacy Campfield used the image of pressure cooker with the words: “Assault Pressure Cooker (APC)” printed beneath the photo to make a tasteless joke against the gun control movement and California Sen. Diane Feinstein.
Declared tasteless and stupid by most, Campfield wrote:
“Really? – If my post was inappropriate talking about ‘crock pot control’ then where is the outrage from the left when they push for gun control after the Sandy Hook shooting? I’m sorry if I exposed your double standard…Well, not really.
Um, yeah we figured.
Meanwhile, reports of further police investigations tied to our two douches popped up.
Authorities believe the Tsarnaev brothers, who were earlier photographed with friends in NYC’s Times Square, planned to return to the Big Apple and pull a similar stunt in one of the more populous areas in the world.
Reports state the planned drive 5-hours south to New York was derailed by a need for gas in the vehicle they carjacked and ultimately drove to the ill-fated gas station where they robbed a convenience store and let their hostage escape and call police.
Friends – How Many of Us Have Them?
Boston Police also learned that these Douches had a little crew of friends from the same region, who lived in the area. A group of their buddies also are being eyed for descending on D Tsarnaev’s dorm room at UMass-Dartmouth after the bombings.
The trio of friends made their move after seeing a picture of Dzhokhar on the news and allegedly contacting him. One of the douchey buddies even asked Dzhokhar if he were involved in the bombings, to which the surviving Douche replied – “LOL.”
How friggin’ 21st Century!
They were instructed by Tsarnaev to go to his room and “take whatever you want.”
So, instead of calling authorities, or running in the other direction, Dias Kadyrbayev, Azamat Tazhayakov and Robel Phillipos allegedly took him up on his offer and looted a backpack with spent fireworks, his buddy’s laptop; a jar of Vaseline, thought to be used in the bomb, and other items from the Tsarnev’s college dorm lair.
Tazhayakov and Kadyrbayev, who reportedly drive around in a Beemer with the plate – “Terrorista #1” along with Phillipos were all charged with lying to Federal investigators. The quickly lawyered up and as claiming despite attempting to dispose of the items in question, they had no knowledge of the attacks and were not trying to hamper the federal investigation.
Yeah – “L-O-M’Fing– L!”
Boston officials also began an investigation into the actions of the very dead Tamerlan, who became a suspect in the unsolved murder of three of his friends, who were found with their throats slit in 2011 on the anniversary of the September 11th attacks.
The investigation led police to Orlando and a kickboxing buddy of Tamerlan’s who is also thought to be a suspect.
As the media, both real and social, got their swirl on, the police dealt with Dzhokhar, who was first detained at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. He was later transported to Federal prison medical center to treat the wounds to his head, neck, hands and other areas due to his altercations with police.
As Dzhokhar healed, we could only wonder how this collection of students with visas and unexpired visas; new American citizens and Chechen natives were able to travel to Russia and consult internet radicals on how to build bombs, all while we kind of watched them and kind of didn’t.
Annoying as all of this information can be and whether our government did what it was supposed to do, it’s actually more disconcerting to know that the actions of these douches will have a lasting impact on our freedom, how we perceive Muslims, because one of them may have studied a radical version of Islam, and how we are able to use the largely unregulated worldwide web.
As a writer, all of the damn consonants in their nearly unpronounceable names, was almost enough to raise my ire. However for taking the time to suck off the tit of their American lifestyle for the last decade and then casually stroll down the street to commit murder, these dicks are a special evil brand of douche bags.
At the end of the day, I agree with Dzhokhar’s uncle, Rusian Tsarni, who described his two nephews as: “losers,” who weren’t able to settle themselves and hated everyone else who did.
So, here’s to you worm food and his baby bro, at least the villain in movies and comics made evil demands in the hopes of getting rich before they did something – err, villainous.
The fact that your general motives are loosely tied to theoretics and bs, makes your demonstration of terror even more cowardly and douchey. You could have at least blown yourself up and had a shot at the whole 27 virgin thing.
So here’s to you, you murderous, misguided, losers, you’re the Boom Bap Radio April 2013 Douchey McDouche Bag Award winners.