Douche Bags Can’t Secede!

Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.

However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.

The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.

Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.

So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award  goes out to you - Douche!!!

The November 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag Award


 This month our Douche Bags encompass large parts of former Confederate states as well as areas that remained loyal to the Union almost 150-years ago.

 And why would that be germane in the 21st Century?

 In the days after Presidential incumbent Barack Obama swept to victory, a group of malcontents emerged from the shadows and refused to accept the victory and chose instead to draw up un-enforceable petitions for state secession.

These pathetic nimrods didn’t do what most Americans historically do, which is join with the majority of voters and rally behind the president.

Nope. For these douche bags, believed they could simply take their collective balls and go home if they didn’t win. Afterwards they either thought they could force their states to leave the country or lashed out in some inexplicable acts of violence.

Either way, stupid was as stupid did.

It started when Fox News and contributor/conservative demi-God Karl Rove imploded during election night coverage.

Queen of all Bubble-headed, bleached, blondes, Megan Kelly called the critical state of Ohio for Obama long after every other network had already done so and Rove, the boy genius, as George W. Bush called him, refused to believe the results.

Although just a pundit on her show, Rove cautioned the longtime anchor to not make a premature announcement and then demanded she check the numbers and the people who handed her the numbers.

Kelly promptly ambled down the hall of Fox to check the numbers, once and then twice, before returning to the set to deliver the bad news to King Rove. It appeared, Mittens had indeed lost Ohio and was on the verge of losing Florida, the site of the election theft of 2000 and former state governed by Jeb Bush.

In fact, Obama won 50.6 percent of the vote to Romney’s 47.8 percent but lost the Electoral College vote 332 to 206.

The disillusioned Rove did a disappearing act for the rest of the night.

He was later upstaged by Conservative Political analyst Ed Rollins, who openly muttered, “He (Mitt) should have mopped the floor with that guy.” – So much for Fair and Balanced reporting on Planet Murdoch.

Later that evening, Mitt was in such denial over the Obama victory that he failed to even prepare a concession speech. He instead, made the President wait over an hour to deliver his victory speech, while he crafted a very short and very appropriate, “I’m a friggin’ loser again speech.”

And from then on, Romney supporters, Tea Partiers, Neo-Cons, Ol’ School GOP’ers and haters of all shapes and sizes have been on a long trip down the river named Denial.

People from 20 different states, including, Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi and Texas all filed petitions asking their states to be allowed to secede from the United States and create a new government.

Also filed in New York and New Jersey, many of the petitions were posted to the government website called: “We The People,” – located on the White House website.

As per the White House, petitions filed with more than 25,000 signatures will get a response and to date only Texas has met that requirement. Not too surprising for the state of all things Bush and where a county judge prophesized that an Obama victory would lead to a Civil War.

Secession is disrespectful to our Union and a waste of the White House’s time. Because a true secession has to be approved by state legislature, such an unattainable request is just short of a college prank.


The last time the term was bandied about so recklessly, South Carolina left the union and took the other slave states with it, of course touching off the American Civil War. What followed were  over 600,000 military deaths, the Black Codes, Reconstruction, Segregation, The Civil Right Act, the Voting Rights Act and countless lynchings and murders. Funny, it seems in a lot of ways we’re almost right back where we started- hmmm.

Hopped up on too much Fox News and probably some un-discussed post antebellum anger, today’s douchey secessionists set the tone for more deluded and unprecedented trips to fantasy-ville in what was the mother of all post-election hangovers.

There were riots at Ol’ Miss and GOP has-beens continued to pop out of the wood work to voice their surprise and outrage with the President’s victory in both the popular vote and Electoral College tally.

Donald Trump took to Twitter on Election night and called for a revolution in the streets of Washington DC. He later deleted his Tweets after all networks agreed that an Obama victory was evident.

In Florida, it actually took days for them to calculate the Obama victory in both the popular vote and Electoral College. Well, it is Florida.

The denial and “sore- losering” even filtered down to the individual voters as the reaction to the outcome became dire in some cases.

In fact, a Florida man committed suicide after becoming “distraught” with news of an Obama victory. The man, Henry Hamilton of Key West, was found in his bedroom with a living will with the words “Do Not Revive (expletive) Obama!”  Ironically, the owner of a tanning salon in the Sunshine State, took his own life to avoid four more years of Obama.

Then there was the Arizona woman who allegedly mowed her hubby down with her Jeep because she allegedly was upset that he did not cast a vote in the election. Twenty-eight-year-old Holly Solomon was said to have chased her husband around a parking lot before striking and dragging the trapped man.

The 36-year-old human speed bump landed in the hospital and was in critical condition for not casting his single vote. Holly Solomon allegedly struck her spouse because she feared her family would suffer if President Obama was re-elected.

But there was enough sore losing to go around and it permeated every facet of those who were assured by poll after poll that Mittens would be occupying the White House.


Newt Gingrich said he was “dumb…founded,” by the Obama victory.

Newty, who earlier in the year had grand designs  on the Oval Office, in fact projected a landslide Romney victory. He prophesized the former Massachusetts governor would get 53 percent of the vote and earn over 300 Electoral College votes – boy was he off.

Then big business got all pissy.

Poppa John’s announced it expected to lay-off workers because Universal healthcare would actually provide its workers with healthcare.

In Las Vegas, a cloaked CEO reportedly told a radio station he would fire 22 or his 114 employees if the President were re-elected. Obviously such a bold move would call for recognition and applause, but the douche stayed anonymous.

I wonder which employees got the axe?

Even Romney, the two time loser in his quest for the White House, got involved in Sore Loser Fest 2012.

He said the Obama victory was rooted in all of the promises of free stuff the President planned to dole out to the nation’s neediest groups.

Mittens said that promise of forgiveness of college loan interest, free contraceptives to college girls, and of course Universal Healthcare were just a few of the goodies the Prez was slathering on the public in the hope of getting himself re-elected. As a Mormon with ties to Mexico, Romney also pointed to the Dream Act that grants temporary work visas for the American-born children of immigrants, as just another bit of candy from the President’s goodie-bag-o –re-election.

You know you’re a hater when you state the obvious and it sounds like a diss. He defiantly stated, “to someone making between $25,000 and $35,000 free healthcare must be huge.”

 Umm – yeah.

Finally, some of the most cowardly douches were of course discovered in places like Twitter where hateful , racist Tweets ruled the day. Here are just a few of my favorites, don’t mind the spotty grammar:

Stehl Taylor: “I Hope Obama dies”

Davis Moody: “I really just can’t stand that monkey in office any longer.”

Davis Moody:  “I’d honestly be willing to spill blood and attack the north and Take back America. Civil  War 2012.”

Stehl Taylor: “Why did Obama’s great granddaddy cross the road? Because my great granddaddy tugged his neck chain in that direction”

I’m sure they don’t consider themselves racial bigots or anything. They were only joking…

Is it still too early to play that race card?

However, at the end of the day, Americans largely needed a Civics lesson.

Secession can only be accomplished by a vote in the state legislature.

Every vote does count, but not so much that the single vote cast by your spouse would sway the election. And finally, the internet is an electronic gathering place. Just because you Tweet your displeasure and/or get a bunch of the like-minded people to sign a petition, doesn’t mean an individual’s will, regardless of how misguided it may be, will be done.

The Nation’s democratic process is a little more involved than – err – setting up a petition on Facebook.

Why all of the glum faces?

You’re all free, Americans and actually can travel to any country you wish. However, for those of you who insist on staying here and complaining, some may call you secessionists, but we call you whining-assed traitors.

In-other-words, would’ve, should’ve, could’ve – President Obama won the election, so get over it!

Now take your awards before we send you to the gallows or a nice firing squad – you hateful, ungrateful overly privileged, traitorous – douche bags!

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Masta Talka

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