Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The January 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
When the New Year began, a few short weeks ago, the GOP primary season started and it looked like former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was going to run away with our first Douchey McDouche Bag Award for 2012.
But after an assortment of racially and economically insensitive remarks by all four remaining Republican candidates, it became clear that this honor would have to be shared by the whole field.
Send In the Clowns?
This Conservative Circus Tour began with nearly a dozen candidates vying for attention and votes. With candidates from an array of areas outside the political world, it seemed like clowns began jamming themselves into the car on the daily and before you could ponder the joke, their shoes exploded and they were out of the race.
We saw laughable candidates like: TV personality and Billionaire Donald Trump, crazed Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain, and Texas Governor Rick Perry submitting bids for President;
However, despite all of the hi-jinx going on under the Big Top, Cain’s sexual assault allegations and Perry’s forgetting which US Departments were to be cut under his watch, the final four GOP candidates took the tomfoolery to the next level with attacks on the common man that were, for lack of a better word – a joke.
With each clown trying to out-do the next with a ridiculous statement, it became clear early on that no one knows what nutty thing a candidate will say to get elected as the GOP Presidential representative.
The first clown out of the car was of course the Newtster and his documented claims from years ago regarding the need for urban youngsters to work as janitors in their schools in order to gain an understanding of hard work and commitment.
“You could take 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out,” Gingrich held, while stating they could also work during school in the cafeteria, front office and library. “They’d be getting money, which is a good thing if you’re poor.”
Things got even sillier when Gingrich offered to unveil his plan for success before the NAACP. Newty then got downright stupid with it and dubbed President Obama, “the Food Stamp President,” due to an escalation of food subsidies during the Great Recession – this despite the fact that his cohort W. gave out more during his eight years in office, however, I digress.
The Newt Master General then launched into an attack on those who use food stamps. Ironically, even though the bulk of people collecting food subsidies happen to be White, Newt said it was his goal to get Blacks to “demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps.”
When questioned about the obviously racist ramifications of his word, Gingrich dismissed it all as just plain old silly. It wasn’t like he said Spanish was the language of the ghetto or anything – oh snap he did!
Could someone cue the clown music, because this is getting friggin’ dopey.
Honk, honk, honk!
I know you thought I was going to say it – but you were wrong.
Just as it seemed Newt was our top goofball, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum jumped out the colorful car and right into action.
While touring in Iowa, Santorum showed he really was an ass clown. He broke out the sweater vest and obviously an invisible curly red, wig when he was riffing on the evils of the American entitlement system.
While in Sioux City, Frothy the Ass Clown made his contribution to the Douchey Circus when he was quoted as saying: “I don’t want to make Black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.”
Santorum capped off his act by first stating he was tongue-tied and taken out of context. Then he said he didn’t even say “Black people,” he said “Blah People.”
Known more for his open contempt for homosexual acts and gay marriage, in the context of his Catholic religious beliefs, of course, Santorum made the omission to the cheers of a local crowd during the tour of a whole state and rode the multi-colored car of hate all the way to victory.
It really made you wonder…is he really that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that’s a bi-product of anal sex? Hmmm.
However, as South Carolina loomed as the next major primary in the GOP Circus, the occupants of the car got out and did a version of that amusing Happy Days – Fire Drill at a red light and channeled that inner racist in the hopes that the residents of the first Confederate state would endorse their candidacy.
Clowney Newt won the primary, in the Palmetto State, but hmmm, what ridiculous act could one pull to become the top race baiter with Florida on the horizon?
Bumbling, stumbling clown Mitt Romney, the ipso facto favorite to win the whole dang thing got himself a new debate coach and ratcheted up the hate parade by stating, “I’m in this race because I care about Americans. I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.”
Mitt obviously was also not concerned about the very rich, “because they’re doing just fine.” He then launched into a painful rendition of “America the Beautiful,” for a retirement community, and I guess the joke was on them – he seemed to know all three or four of the verses.
Romney went on to win Florida and seemingly cement his place atop the GOP field. However, with such a willingness to take a trip down to the darkside, it makes one wonder how difficult a trip it was for this Ken Doll sans the white face paint to actually take it there?
Romney, a Mormon by faith, had to live much of his adult life knowing that blacks were excluded from joining the religion’s priesthood for 150 years. Mitt was a whole 31-years-old when the Mormon faith decided that, “Blacks were no longer cursed and less valiant in the pre-existence.”
Due to a “revelation” in 1978, the change was made and not fully explained. It makes you wonder if another “revelation” will lead good old Willard Mitt to follow the leads of Gingrich and Romney into
Always poised to bumble away a lead, Mitt still heads the pack after a sound Santorum offensive that thrashed the GOP’s top guy in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado.
Although Santorum is Mr. Right Now –his warped views would literally pale in comparison to the most blatant racist clown left in the race, 76-year-old Congressman Ron Paul of Texas. Paul, a Libertarian and physician, is like that quiet older clown that you figured was a mime, but somehow he’s always waiting around to sweep up the spotlight at the end of the show.
A solid last in the field of four, Paul has been accused of producing newsletters and dispatches from the 80’s and the 90’s that were so tacitly racist, anti-sematic and homophobic that no one even talks about their existence, even him.
Covering such topics as how to shoot a Black man and get away with it, Race War and how the Civil Rights movement created an environment where “every black failure is a white crime,” Paul has insisted he did not write or read any of the monthly dispatches, even though he was the publisher and editor of the newsletters.
With non-specific names like Investment Letter and The Ron Paul Survival Report, supporters of Paul have allowed the wily old clown to stay in the race despite not recording a single victory in the early part of the Republican Primary process – mime’s really don’t say much, huh?
However, given the ride so far, it could be only a matter of time before Paul gets his spotlight and just like any bad joke, you’ll have to laugh to keep from crying.
With all of this fun, it’s not hard to see how this douchey foursome were able to capture our award for January. Lucky for us each caucus and primary win seemed to bring us another funny circus clown.
Despite making us laugh with their outrageous claims and racist accusations, the reality is these douche bags are actually trying to become President of the United States and that just ain’t funny.
So here’s to that insane clown posse from the Right, y’all have won something other than a trip to the Conservative Political Action Conference – no dummies, you’re the January 2012 winners of the Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
While your racist and homophobic comments make you our winners now, if we have half a brain as a nation, you can’t possibly win in November.