Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
The January 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
Tales of the GunÂ – Part 1
What do you call an old, crotchety man who blows a fellow movie goer away for texting?
While you may call him â€œPop Pop,â€ or a murderer, we call him a frigginâ€™ Douche Bag!
Thatâ€™s right kiddies, itâ€™s the January 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award and who would have guessed weâ€™d be spending more time in the sunshine state of Florida?
This month we focus on an incident that was just too douche-licious to pass up.
We of course are talking about the Jan. 13, 2014 incident in Wesley Chapel, Florida, just outside of Tampa, that left one man dead, one woman an injured widow and made all of us peacenics scratch our collective heads.
On that fine day, a 43-year-old father was shot to death while inside the Grove 16 Movie Theater shortly after 12 noon.Â The father, identified as Chad Oulson was allegedly taking in a flick with his wife when he got into an argument with 71-year-old Curtis Reeves, a retired police captain.
According to previously published reports, Reeves took exception to Oulsonâ€™s texting during the previews. Evidently, an argument and possible spray of popcorn later, the pistol packing grandpa, went all Loc Dog and shot Mr. and Mrs. Oulson.
Mr. Oulson, the alleged intended target, died of his wounds, while Mrs. Oulson sustained a gunshot wound to the hand and a lifetime of misery and damage from the incident. She was treated and released after the shooting.
Reeves was immediately arrested, jailed and charged with second degree murder.
However heinous and dastardly the act, the explanation for the shooting and the possible â€œStand Your Groundâ€ defense of the deadly incident is what propelled yet another Florida gun incident into the top spot in our Rogueâ€™s Gallery.
Thatâ€™s right. Shortly after his arrest Reeves â€ lawyered upâ€ and then all of the 21st Century fun that makes Florida â€“ well Florida, began.
During the retired officerâ€™s first court appearance Reevesâ€™ attorney Richard Escobar, Esq. offered an argument that when the alleged shooter pulled his .380 semi-automatic weapon and began blasting that it was actually he who was the victim. In fact, Escobar hoped the matter would fall under Floridaâ€™s infamous â€œStand Your Groundâ€ law.
The defense was disallowed when it was determined that the flying kernels of popcorn that made Reeves â€œfear for his life,â€ did not constitute a threat.
Court proceedings showed that Reeves actually imagined a physical altercation, replete with a fantasy about holding his victim back and getting into a tussle with the 43-year-old. Reeves further imagined that he got hit with an object, â€œlike a fist.â€
Examination of surveillance footage later showed Mr. Douchey McDouche only held Oulson back after he fired the alleged round into his chest and the fist like object?Â You guessed it â€“ popcorn.
The case, which of course brought the whole â€œStand Your Groundâ€ defense back into the forefront of the public dialogue, is another case of Floridaâ€™s strange place in the world.
It also reminded Americans about the serious nature of the gun debate and why the NRA, Ted Nugent, and Clint Eastwood can quip and giggle all they want, but something must be done about the access and use of firearms in this country.
Why are people so darn in love with their guns?
Why is someone allowed to carry a loaded firearm in a crowded movie theater?
Why was another unarmed man shot to death?
When will gun control efforts be successful in this country?
Did the gunman really need to see the coming attractions that bad?
In America weâ€™ll never know the answer to any of these questions, but as the body count continues to rise, someone will have to begin a serious dialogue on an issue that can never be just a political football.
Florida is the home of the first Stand Your Ground Law, which was openly backed by the National Rifle Association (NRA) and enacted almost a decade ago in 2005.
At least 20-states have enacted versions of the law, including Georgia, Texas, Arizona, North Carolinaâ€™ Oklahoma, Kansas, Louisiana
Since its enactment â€“ hundreds of cases have been decided by an application of the law, most notoriously Marissa Alexander â€“ a black woman from Jacksonvile, Fla. has been the most high profile â€“ person jailed due to the law. Alexander, unlike the two of the highest profile cases, those involving the deaths of Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis, had the law work against her, landing her in jail.
Like George Zimmerman and Michael Dunn, the movie house shooterâ€™s defense attorney chose to not use the Stand Your Ground defense.
The altercation began at about 1:30 p.m. during a viewing of drama â€œLone Survivor.â€ Reeves, who attended with his wife, sat behind Oulson and his wife.
As Oulson allegedly began texting his babysitter, he was confronted by Reeves who implored him to put away his telephone.
According to reports, after Oulson declined, the two men began to loudly argue, prompting Reeves to find theater management. After unsuccessfully attempting to have theater management resolve the issue, Reeves was said to have returned.
After Oulson asked if Reeves had gone to tell on him for texting, the retired Police captain and father continued to loudly argue. Eyewitnesses say Oulson threw a bag of popcorn at Reeves during the altercation, prompting Reeves to pull his handy .380 handgun and begin blasting.
Two wrongs made a catastrophic wrong in a venue where both weapons and cellphone use are prohibited.
I Feel Sorry For Your Mother
When Reeves appeared at his initial court hearing, he had been cleaned up and prepped, but that stink could only be removed by our trademark warm, subtle, feminine hygiene product.
His daughter gave an emotional testimony that outlined her Dadâ€™s health concerns, called for mercy and his release. At the same time witnesses and others appeared in the media and painted a slightly different picture of the aging lawman.
A woman identified as Jamira Dixon said she too had pissed off Mr. Blastfirstaskquestionslater, just weeks before when he asked her to stop texting. Ms. Dixon claimed her use of a cellphone caused Reeves to glare at her throughout the entire film.
When Dixon heard about Oulsonâ€™s murder, she pulled her car over and was thankful she too wasnâ€™t dealt with by the texting hater.
However, the most shocking eyewitness accounts came during the hearing itself.
One person recalled a dying Oulson stumbling back into his seat and voicing absolute surprise that his verbal volleys would lead to a gunshot wound to the chest.
Another eyewitness reported that after being subdued, Reeves seemed to openly argue with his wife, who was said to have chastised the 71-year-old for shooting the unarmed man. The eyewitness said Reeves barked back at his wifeâ€™s nagging by telling her to shut her â€œfâ€™ing mouth and donâ€™t say another word.â€
That eyewitness testified that seconds later Reeves began questioning what he alleged had done aloud.
All that sobbing reappeared during his January hearing when he proclaimed he wished he had a â€œmulligan,â€ and if given the opportunity to have a second chance at that day he would not have shot Oulsonâ€™s. Iâ€™m sure that fact is of comfort to the family.
Reeves later lamented that you donâ€™t get do-overs in life.
In fact, barring the appearance of an alternate universe or the use of Doc Brownâ€™s DeLorean time machine, itâ€™s impossible to hit the undo button on a murder.
Lucky for Curt he does get jail time and his very own Douchey McDouche Bag Award for the month of January 2014.
As a Hip-Hop fan Iâ€™m compelled to think about The Fugees hit and the video for â€œKilling Me Softly,â€ when popcorn is thrown in a movie theater. Luckily, when the New Jersey trio filmed the iconic video, replete with a food fight, Curtis Reeves was not on site or things may have ended a lot differently.
Not to be too flippant, but after first hearing about the shooting, it made us all wonder aloud: â€œDid heÂ Â Â (the victim) have some black in him?â€
Well, the answer was â€œno,â€ unless you are counting the slug from Reevesâ€™ gun.
At the end of the day, as more shootings occur, we will see more fantasy situations created as â€œscaredâ€ gunmen delude themselves into believing they are both great upstanding Americans and completely in the right for quelling whatever threat they concoct in pursuit of carrying and unloading a firearm at a â€œthreateningâ€ target.
For George Zimmerman it was the imagined thug with the Skittles and iced tea and for Reeves it was the 43-year-old, white father who could magically change popcorn into fists and cause him to defend himself with a gun.
Reeves, who pleaded not guilty, remains jailed without bail as he awaits his trial. He faces life in prison for the shooting.
Because Oulson did not look like Trayvon Martin or another dead Florida teen, Jordan Davis, it appears that something that resembles justice may be served in this particular murder.
We can only hope the attention given to this death of Chad Oulson will somehow bring a greater focus on how Floridians use their guns.
However, I wouldnâ€™t count on it.
So congratulations Curtis Reeves. Youâ€™re our Douchey McDouche Bag winner for January 2014. Maybe the next time youâ€™ll mind your own business and stop harassing people for using their cellphones in theaters, you kookie, popcorn fighting, crotchety – Douche!
STAY TUNED FOR OUR SECOND INSTALLMENT:
” TALE OF THE GUN PART 2 – You Talkin’ To Me?”