Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The August 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
Alright, either American gun violence is getting out of hand or we at Boom Bap Radio should rename our award the “Monthly Batshit Psycho Award.
So you probably guessed we didn’t have to look hard or far to find our August winner.
After shooting up a Sikh Temple in Wisconsin, we selected Wade Michael Page as our jerk-off for the last month of Summer.
Page is not to be confused with the douche bag who shot up a movie theater in July and won our award in that month.
However, as more cowardly, lone gunman incidents seem to occur, things are becoming so commonplace that we decided to check it against our standing “Lone Gunman List” for authenticity’s sake.
Were they between the age of 20 and 40 – yup, check.
Did they occupy some outer-fring of society? – yup check.
Did they go on some kind of rampage with an arsenal of automatic weapons that would be seen as impossible to amass in other civilized countries – yup.
Were there mass casualties? – yup.
Were the victims unsuspecting and unable to defend themselves? – yup.
Well, guess what, either I’m a police profiler for lone gunmen or I’ve somehow seen this movie before.
Is this friggin Groundhog Day?
I have to admit, we were going to erroneously, point our stilted little fingers soley at the hater from Wisconsin, who decided to shoot up a church, as winner for the month of August 2012, but then something weird happened.
While we of course have enough disdain for this no longer living douchey coward, we had to confront the fact that August produced lone gunmen in Maryland, New Jersey and New York City.
While the other three incidents certainly did not take away from the douchiness of initial Douche Bag, they did widen our focus.
So this month, we’ll do something new, we’ll name our Douche Bag of the month only as the poster child of a much larger problem, which cannot be just swept away by the Second Amendment to the US Constitution – the unlimited availability of firearms to almost anyone with a pulse.
When August began we were all still reeling from the incident in Colorado where 50 people were injured and 12 were killed by a lone gunman who opened fire in a crowded theater during the opening of movie blockbuster.
No sooner than we could name that Douche – another quickly emerged, just days later.
On August 5, 2012, white supremacist and former US soldier, Wade Michael Page grabbed our top honor in a matter of moments when he stormed a Sikh temple in the Milwaukee suburb of Oak Creek and systematically began killing all the worshippers he could find.
Dickwad shot the head priest, who greeted him and welcomed him into the temple. He then shot two other priests and by the time the smoke had settled six worshippers died and three other were wounded in a seemingly random act of violent that has become all too common in America.
Police arrived shortly after the first shots were fired and put an end to the rampage and Page.
According to previously published reports, the 40-year-old Page had been a neo-Nazi and the leader of a racist white power band called “End Apathy.”
As senseless and douchey as the shooting in Wisconsin was, it forced law enforcement and the government to examine more closely the prevalence of domestic terrorism and the seemingly creeping growth of Neo-Nazi sympathizers in the ranks of the US military.
A man who knew Page since the 90’s, when he was a soldier training at Fort Bragg, N.C., said the gunman was obsessed with the concept of white power, hate groups and a RAHOWA or racial holy war.
As the Page shooting was fading into history as just an aberration, later in the month, four Army soldiers from Georgia were charged with malice murder, felony murder, criminal gang activity, aggravated assault and using a firearm while committing a felony in the alleged murder of two former militia members in December. The four soldiers were also allegedly part of an anti-government militia group that planned to overthrow the country and kill President Barack Obama.
Those arrested, allegedly killed their former colleagues, because they worried they would divulge the plot that allegedly included killing the President, taking over Georgia’s Fort Stewart, bombing a public Park fountain in Savannah, bombing a dam and poisoning a the Washington State’s apple crop.
The group had allegedly already stockpiled $87,000 in semi-automatic weapons and bomb components that they reportedly hid in their homes and in storage lockers, at the time of their arrest.
Self-named, F.E.A.R ( Forever Enduring Always Read), the group’s plot was uncovered during the murder trial of former group members Michael Roark and his girlfriend Tiffany York, who were allegedly murdered by the anarchists in December of 2011.
Army Pfc. Michael Burnett plead to lesser charges of manslaughter and illegal gang activity in connection with the murders, but also gave testimony that spelled out the greater plot against the federal government or ZOG – (Zionist Occupation Government) as it’s called in Nazi circles.
Then on Aug. 24, in New York City, a 56-year-old laid off worker stormed his former place of employment near the Empire State Building and pumped five into his former boss, before getting into a shoot-out with police that injured bystanders. The .45 wielding gunman, was later shot and killed by police.
In Baltimore County Maryland, a 15-year-old student at Perry Hall High School, took a unique approach to “Show and Tell,” when he brought a shotgun to the first day of school. One student was wounded and hospitalized during the Aug. 27th shooting incident where the 15-year-old allegedly shot a 17-year-old. The 17-year-old was treated and released about two weeks later, following several surgeries.
Before the month could end, another former US soldier became the first African-American to join the trend when on Aug, 31, 2012 he smashed his way into a Pathmark supermarket in Old Bridge, NJ and shot an two workers before turning the gun at 4 a.m.
The victim’s, 18 and 24-years-old, respectively, were working the early morning shift when the senseless murder occurred.
Police said the killer also worked an early morning shift at the store, but left only to return, guns blazing.
Where it’s obvious that Page’s douchiness earned him the top spot, the larger questions about soldiers being trained and recruiting for a cause most our ancestors defeated 70-years ago is disturbing, but may be the most important step towards clearly drawing that line between free speech and murder.
Maybe a public case like that seen in Wisconsin will finally sound a bell to lawmakers and force them to take action against the American ability to obtain unlimited guns and ammunition.
Unfortunately, it’s a nice dream, but it will never become a reality in the land of the free and home of the brave.
So for now, the former Mr. Page will be named our “August 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag,” although he’s gone bye-bye.
As long as Americans continue to cling to worship their guns like Gods and legislators continue to avoid talking about gun control his actions will continue to haunt America for the foreseeable future. Without stricter regulation, it appears lone gunmen will continue to effortlessly arm themselves to the teeth and be able to kill whenever they’ve have a bad day.
So here’s to you Wade Page: the poster child for a very American dilemma.
The world would be a much better place if you did things in reverse and oft yourself instead of shooting up a Temple of unsuspecting people, but, alas, that’s why you won our prize – you cowardly, hateful, Hitler-loving, delusional, selfish – Douche Bag!