Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
The June 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag Award Winner
In June we were faced with a familiar Douche Bag.
An undeniable jerk-off and predator that already had cleaned out our disgusting trophy case.
Yep, former Penn State University Defensive Coach Jerry Sandusky, won our November 2011 award and then took the annual honors just a month later for his then alleged role in raping at least 10 pre-pubescent boys during his glory days at Happy Valley.
So, sure we may have been presumptive in crowning an alleged felon champion of our nasty little award and yes, we could be accused of picking on Poor Olâ€™ Jerr, but as it turns out â€“ not so much.
In June Coach Jerry, the greedy bastard and founder of the Second Mile charity for disadvantaged children, was convicted of 45 counts of child sexual abuse by a federal court in Pennsylvania and ip so facto won our June 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag Award. Sandusky faces a possible 450 years in the pokey for horsing around with a list of kids who were all served by his charity.
Allegedly dogged by Histrionic Syndrome, Sandusky, the self-described, â€œbig kid,â€ said all of his accusers were lying and out to cash in on a tawdry fantasy. He of course, appears to have been living that tawdry fantasy and to quote Biggie Smalls â€“ getting more butt than ashtrays.
While all 10 of the accusers were questioned by Coach Jerryâ€™s creepy legal mouth-piece, it was the one who wasnâ€™t that may have struck the hardest â€“ um, blow against Sandusky.
His adopted son Matt, offered to testify against his dear old Dad after he recounted his intimate moments with the 68-year-old, self -described â€œlover of young people.â€
Now, where we are only accustomed to awarding one cleansing douche bag each month, for June 2012, which happens to mark the one-year anniversary of our prize, we had to break out the big guns.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, in this case no Douche Bag reaches as high a status as Sanduskyâ€™s without a little help. So we here at Boom Bap Radio are breaking out the â€œThe Douche-inater!â€ Or the BBR Masta Blaster 2012 â€“ as the model number seems to read.
The Masta Blaster 2012, can of course, be attached to a single douche bag or it also can be attached to a douche can to clean out multiple intestines, va-jay-jayâ€™s or whatever.
Douche cans hold up to 4 liters and with the attachments can deliver enough water to reach the lower portion of the large intestines.
Sounds like weâ€™ll be jamming until the break of dawn, to quote Stevie Wonder.
Thatâ€™s right, one wee bag just wonâ€™t do in this cluster-fuck. Everyone who touched this mess over the 20 years and didnâ€™t inform the proper authorities should get a whirl on the Masta Blaster 2012.
Thereâ€™s the young coach Mike McQueary, who in 2001 heard rhythmic slapping and saw a scene no grown man should ever have to see and chose to not stop the assault, but opted to only slam a locker door really hard as opposed to inflicting bodily harm on the 60-something year old coach
Thereâ€™s the university administration including Athletic Director Tim Curley, College President Graham Spanier and Vice President Gary Schultz, who saw fit to only take away Coach Jerryâ€™s keys when the 2001 allegations were brought to them.
Thereâ€™s Joe Amendola, the defense attorney, who banged and impregnated his 16-year-old law clerk when he was almost 50 and then presided over her emancipation ceremony from her parents.
Thereâ€™s the testifying former Penn State coaches who saw nothing wrong with shower scenes that included grown ass men and kids in the same soapy wash area.
And letâ€™s not forget that recently deceased College Football Legend Joe Pa â€“ who enroute to earning more wins than any coach in college history, also allowed countless kids to become wide receivers for his Defensive Coordinator.
And of course, the overzealous student body, that flipped cars over and rioted when Paterno was fired after charges against Sandusky were announced.
Last, but certainly not least, there was the doting wifey, who conveniently minded her own got damney when it came time for the â€œTickle Monster,â€ to descend upon his newest pre-pubescent victim in the basement.
Ooooh weâ€™re in the middle of the making of a Masta Blaster jam!
McQueary got to testify, of course after saying he stopped the assault and then contradicting it and finally â€œtelling the truth.â€
In 2011 Curley and Schultz were charged with failure to report a crime and perjury in front of a grand jury; charges to which they of course pleaded not guilty.
Spanier and Paterno were fired for their alleged roles and while Joe Pa succumbed to cancer, the Pennsylvania attorney general is still weighing whether former president Spanier should be indicted.
In the interim, former FBI Director Louis Freeh was hired by Penn State to conduct an internal investigation. The results are due before the summerâ€™s end.
And somehow this douchefest got even douchier.
Early in the investigation, correspondences indicate bills were paid to the Universityâ€™s outside counsel, for possibly researching how much divulging the charges against Sandusky would cost the University.
The investigation has also turned up emails from that time frame and from a 1998 investigation into Sanduskyâ€™s antics. Â There were also correspondences between Curley and Paterno that could shed some light on something regarding the decision to not contact the proper authorities.
There was enough douchiness from this affair to cause the need for several visits to the rubber bag and hose â€“ but in the end it was Jerry â€“ you know, the guy with histrionics syndrome â€“ the 6-foot-5-inch nightmare that found it necessary to shower with kids, touch their legs, snuggle with them and of course orally and anally rape them when he could fit it in â€“ his schedule â€“ who was the biggest, grossest douche bag â€“ here.
So as we approach the sentencing and you and your legal team dream up an adequate appeal, just remember your nasty jungle of love and why the Squirrel Master wonâ€™t be there to protect you.
Here at Boom Bap Radio we all hope that your dance card will remain full, you win every soap fight in which you participate and that the next serenade you hear wonâ€™t be Pink Floyd, but some rhythmic slapping.
And for all of you Nittany enablers, remember the Masta Blaster 2012 and how winning at all costs is NOT always the best policy, especially when it comes at the expense of innocent children, you slimy, selfish, douche bags!