Shhhhhhhhhhhh – It’s a Secret

Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.

However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.

The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.

Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.

So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award  goes out to you - Douche!!!


The Douchey McDouche Bag Award for April 2012

To find our April 2012 Douche we delved into the dark and shadowy world of the Secret Service and all of the special clandestine activities it under takes when it protects our elected officials, namely the President, from all of the evil-doers of the world.

Unfortunately, it was the Secret Service itself that was caught with its collective pants down when it came time to protect President Obama in Cartegena, Colombia.

Secret Service Agent David Chaney during better times

In all, 11 Secret Service officials and about a dozen military personnel were implicated in the scandal that alleged “misconduct,” and also involved about 20 hookers, a trashed hotel room and of course the candy that makes you dandy – it is Colombia after all.

  Shortly after the incident, eight agents were suspended and had their top-secret security clearances lifted and at least two supervisors resigned.

 While such a public scandal should be enough to give a secret agency a reasonable long, hot douche, it was the needless arrogance exhibited for this fiasco and how these events emerged that made these guys  “winners?” for April.

The scandal arose just before the Summit of the Americas in Colombia when 11 Secret Services employees allegedly brought prostitutes back to their hotel rooms.

Reports state that this entire drunken orgy of a mistake only came to light when one of the Secret Service supervisors attempted to stiff the hired help and not in the good way.

Yep, he tried to pay $45 for $800 worth of “business” and the ho showed her ass – only figuratively of course.

She threw a full on tantrum in the hotel lobby, prompting management to call the policia and send them to the room occupied by the “jump team,” and several military officials.

When the Colombian authorities arrived at the room, they found everything you would expect to find in a room full of high level US government officials, who also happen to carry guns for a living.

But what’s a party without liquor, hookers, drugs and guns?

However, this being an election year, the scandal seemed to take on a life of its own when we were introduced to the main players – agents David Chaney and Arthur Huntington or Douchey and Douchier for our purposes.

Chaney, who also guarded former Veep candidate Sarah Palin, posted all sorts of trophy pictures on Facebook of all places and boasted of checking out the former Gov.

If Chaney’s indiscretions weren’t enough, we were left with Huntington’s most enduring gift of all – a whore who can’t keep her mouth shut.


Head Ho Dania Suarez began doing the media circuit about a week after the story broke.


The 24-year-old gave a gang bang of interviews to NBC News, ABC News, The New York Daily News and seemingly any and every one who would listen.

She even went as far as to start talking real greasy about what she could have done after the dirty deed. Once in front of a microphone and cameras she somehow wasn’t actually a hooker, I think she said something like she working as a waitress in a cocktail bar or something .

Nonetheless, she called the agents stupid brutes that who did not put President Obama’s safety first.

She questioned why President Obama would hire such guys?

She claimed she could have gleaned secret documents, if she were a terrorist, because she put the agent’s asses to sleep after she tucked them in.

GOP Congress members jumped into action and made it even douchier when they wondered aloud what if the pros were spies or terrorists and what secrets could have been lost.

Hmmm, lucky for us they were only whores and the only secrets that were lost were the ones they were supposed to be keeping after they expected cash for sex, but I digress.

After the fiasco, a round of firings ensued and other agents were given “ethics training,” making us wonder how did we get there from here?

I always thought the Secret Service were supposed to be cool and stealthy.

The Secret Service was formed in 1865 by President Lincoln as a division of the Department of Treasury, with the chief mission of suppressing counterfeiting after the Civil War. Ironically, it was not until the assassination of President William McKinley in 1901, that Congress informally requested the Secret Service provide protection to the president.

Today the Secret Service is comprised of the guys who are expected to take a bullet for the President and almost all of our federally elected officials.

President Obama, who was not in country at the time of the mess, fittingly described those caught up in the scandal, as “knuckleheads,” but only an idiot would have thought this was the first time that such fun was had by all in the ranks of the Secret Service.

Not surprisingly Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, said similar incidents were being investigated by members of Congress tied to exotic ports of call like Argentina and El Salvador.

What we’ve had to accept is what we pretty much already knew.

Largely where there is a quasi-para military unit of pseudo police from North America, visiting South America, there will be partying, hookers and douche bags who want sex, but don’t want to pay.

In this case, they were the Secret Service, which I thought meant all of their friggin’ service, by definition, is supposed to be…well, you get the idea.

At the end of the day, I think we learned a valuable lesson as a nation.

  1. You have to pay your contractors what you agreed upon. Ironically, when you welch on a deal, even a hooker can call the police.
  2. The people with the guns and the power look to break the law, because that’s why they got the guns and power in the first place.
  3. In the 21st Century, the media actually can make a hooker into a house wife.

So next time you’re helping a foreign economy by hiring professionals, just pay the girls, that way the “services” remain secret, you arrogant, ego-maniacal, power abusing, douche bags!!!





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Masta Talka

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