Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
THE FEBRUARY DOUCHEY MCDOUCHE BAG AWARD
When seeking our Douchey McDouche Bag winner for the month of February, we relied on the same tried and true formula that has worked since we first began presenting this “esteemed” prize more than a year ago.
Did our recipient draw a gaze by the collective public eye?
Did the recipient have every opportunity and/or choice to not participate in abhorrent behavior, but did it anyway?
Did the act of the recipient make you want to choke a MF’er out?
Well then, it’s probably not a surprise to any of y’all that our February 2013 Douche Bag was none other than South African Track and Field star and instant international celebrity – “The Blade Runner.”
Also known by his government name, Oscar Pistorius, the 26-year-old and his prosthetic limbs, first became the center of attention and amazement during the London Olympics in 2012 when he became the first double amputee to compete in the games. Before earning gold medals in the Men’s 400 Meter and in the 4 × 100 Relay, where he set world records, Pistorius also won a silver medal in the 200 Meter race, and set another world record in the semifinal.
Pistorius, who was born without fibulas, had his legs amputated below the knee just before his first birthday. He replaced his lower legs with J-shaped carbon fiber, prosthetics called the “Flex-Foot-Cheetah” developed by biomedical engineer Van Phillips for competition in various international level racing events.
Ironically, prior to his triumphs at the 2012 Olympics, he was better known as the douchebag questioning the competitive edge other disabled athletes gained from their respective prosthetics. Most of the complaining came after Oscar lost to Brazil’s Alan Fonteles Cardoso Oliveira in the T44 – 200 Meter during the 2012 Paralympics. Pistorius argued Brazilian’s fiber prosthetics were too long and gave him an unfair competitive edge.
Ah – yeah.
However, before winning hardware on the track, Pistorius won our hearts and cheers as the ideal picture of dogged determination and the reason we play the games in the first place. Even the toughest critic was amazed at “The Blade Runner,” and his never say die attitude.
Just months later, it wasn’t his “never say die attitude” that thrust him back in the spotlight, but instead the way he turned his Valentine’s Day 2013 into a literal massacre.
On Feb. 14, 2013, Pistorius did the unthinkable and pumped at least five rounds into his model girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, in the evening hours at his Pretoria mansion.
Captured shortly after the incident, Pistorius was hauled into court and jailed for a few days as the beginning of an ordeal that has changed our attitude about the young man from South Africa almost as quickly as he ran onto the scene and around oval tracks in England.
Pistorius was charged with premeditated murder for his role in the shooting after Steenkamp was found dead in a pool of her own blood in a bathroom just off the Master bedroom of his home. Dressed in a dark suit and weeping in between questions, Pistorius admitted to shooting the model five times through a locked bathroom door, but said it was all a dreadful mistake.
Although bathrooms are often the site of accidents, this alleged “oopsie,” ended in murder.
Pistorius claims he believed intruders had entered his house, because it’s evidently a constant happening in Pretoria. Even though his girlfriend had been sleeping alongside of him moments earlier, Pistorius somehow strapped on his prosthetic legs, grabbed his firearm and broke through the door waiving the proverbial .44 on the alleged would-be intruder.
Only problem was the fleet footed runner seemed to just as hastily fire into a nearby bathroom, which was occupied by a cowering Steenkamp, who may have been hiding in the loo at the time. The question is from whom?
Oscar or the imaginary interlopers?
Oscar the Douche
Mr. Shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later had few answers in the court room, but was released on about $120,000 cash bond about a week after the shooting. He returned to court in early March and argued against the surrendering of his passport and other bail restrictions that required he stay in the Pretoria area and refrain from drinking alcohol or taking drugs.
Muddling matters more so, were reports that stated the couple was often been heard arguing by neighbors and that the police had been called to the Pistorius residence for domestic disturbances in the past.
In addition, reports of Oscar’s hot temper and appetite for a fast, loose life have also emerged as police continue to seek a motive in the shooting.
Despite these concerns, Pistorius’ defense team held that the legal system is being unjustly harsh on the Olympian, who decided to use his lover for blind target practice.
According to published reports, lawyers for Pistorius argued against the athlete surrendering his passports and other travel documents, because he’s proven “he’s no flight risk.”
Blade Runner attorneys further argued the sprinting champion also should not have to deal with probation supervised by a probation officer, like other criminals.
Holed up at his uncle’s home, where his legal team argued he should not have to deal with four visits a month from court officials, Pistorius continued the push against reasonable legal restriction for a suspected murder and the legal system did nothing to disprove the double standard that obviously exists for celebrities and the privileged in every country.
Hoping to continue the bending of the legal system, Pistorius even asked for his passport to be returned so that he can travel outside the country while he awaits his trial.
In recent days he is said to have been on suicide watch and has also been described as “broken.” He has even been forced to sell off his racehorses to float his exorbitant legal fees.
Oh, boo, friggin’ hoo!
The casual attitude of privilege, the whining from home, the expectation that he be allowed to go on with his life uninterrupted – yep, that’s what makes him a douche bag to us.
So as you await your fate Oscar Pistorius, you’ve earned yet another accolade for your shelf – The February 2013 Douchey McDouche Bag Award!
So as you ponder why or how you were able to shoot your girlfriend in your bathroom, wipe some of the blood off your hands; that is if you are actually allowed to return to your mansion before going to jail.
Remember, being blindingly fast is great for the track, but not for every incident in life. In most cases, haste really does make waste and fools really do rush in.
So, here’s to you Speedy Gonzalez, the world may never know what happened on Valentine’s Day in your home, but one thing is certain, more restraint may have turned it into a nasty legal battle instead of a made for T.V. murder investigation.
Until then you’re an alleged premeditated murderer, a falling athletic star, but most importantly, a shoot first, ask questions later – Douche!