Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The April 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
In April of 2014 our Douche Bag-O-the month award actually had to be split three ways because what was old was suddenly douchey again.
That’s right, Spring had sprung and just like so many colorful tulips, old-assed racists were in full bloom for the month. Shouldn’t be too surprising, both tulips and a-holes have crap in common.
For this month’s installment we got the grand tour of American racism from what seemed like the ghost of racists past.
We started off with a caricature of racism – a bonafide former Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan, who went Jew hunting in Kansas. We then continued westward to visit a good ol’ redneck cracker in Nevada, replete with a White Power militia and cowboy hat. Only to close out our journey into ignorance in California with the rantings of a Jewish racist who owns an NBA basketball team, a niggress as a mistress and believes he’s actually presiding over a plantation.
Can’t you just smell the funky, stench in need of a douche?
Well, we can – and we’re professionals.
For such a douche-ified journey you’d better batten down all of the necessary hatches and button up your overcoat because this month stunk to high hell from beginning to end.
Go Out Like A Nazi
For the record, hating and allegedly killing people would and should earn you our top monthly prize. However for two of our contest winners, it’s the ability to be openly racist and somehow deny it that really makes you more despicable than the white robe wearing, Neo-Nazi sympathizing coward who descended upon perceived worshippers on a Sunday morning.
For the first douche in our trifecta, we went to Missouri to meet a P.O.S., a true a waste of human life and poster boy for birth control.
Frazier Glenn Cross, 73, is a member of the Ku Klux Klan, which is enough for him to suck. However because he is also aligned with the jackboot wearing remainder of Germany’s Third Reich, this douche has to be an embarrassment to his ancestors who had to rid the world of Facism about 70-years ago.
Authorities allege on April 13, 2014 Cross fatally shot two people behind a Jewish community center and then drove to retirement home and fatally shot a third. Ironically none of this douche bag’s victims were Jewish.
The founder of the Carolina Knights of the KKK, Cross, or Miller as he had been known for much of his life, was arrested behind a nearby elementary school where he was screaming anti-sematic slurs and “Heil Hitler.” He was quickly taken into custody and charged with one count of capital murder and a count of first degree premeditated murder.
An ex-jailbird, Cross was arrested by the Feds in 1987 for a plot to overthrow the government. He snitched on his fellow conspirators and was released just three years later.
Cross is being held on $10 million bond and was thought to have perhaps killed all three because of the days proximity to the Passover holiday or Hitler’s birthday. Authorities believe the shotgun used in the crime was purchased from an anonymous “straw buyer.”
Give ‘Em Enough Rope – They’ll Hang Themselves
Our second douche bag began the month as a darling of the Right-wing media. Originally hailed as a “True Patriot” “Folk Hero” and “Real American,” Cliven Bundy is a 67-year-old, cowboy hat wearing, Nevada cattle rancher who has dodged paying $1 million in “grazing fees” to the Federal government because he refused to acknowledge its existence.
Yeah, funny how that works. You give a white guy a cowboy hat and allow him to not pay his fair share and somehow he’s seen as a patriot. Where I’m from we just call them – criminals.
Bundy, whose case has been pending for about 20-years, was trotted out as the face of those victimized by “government over reach.” With all that new found fame, Bundy rode the media circuit like a bucking bronco. He was on Fox News so much I thought they may give him his own segment.
This douchey resident of Bunkerville, Nevada gained the support of the whole Fox network, GOP Presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul, Sen. Dean Heller and Georgia Senate candidate Derrick Grayson.
By mid-April, Bundy and his family defiantly stood pat for a showdown with Obama’s government by posting rogue militia men on his property and actually threatening the lives of Federal Park employees with snipers.
However, a funny thing happened on the way to the revolution – karma.
Bundy single handedly changed the tide of Conservative public opinion by putting a human face on the old axiom: “Give an inch, they’ll take a mile. Give ‘em a rope they want to be a M F’ing cowboy!”
Right when good ol’ Cliven had a daily following wrought with militia members, White Power extremists and other members of the Right’s lunatic-fring, he began proselytizing and giving his views on the evils of the government. However, right in the middle of his sermon on the mount, it was his insight into “The Negro,” that was a total game changer.
Recounting a drive he took past a public housing complex in Vegas, Bundy memories of Black folks on the porch came to mind.
“There is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch – they didn’t have nothing to do,” Bundy recalled. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life?”
Most of us wondered, “Is this douche bag friggin’ crazy?”
Maybe to us, but in the United States of Cliven Bundy it all made perfect sense.
So stoked about his comments was Cliven, that he just couldn’t keep quiet. He later went on to lament that if he said, “Negro or black boy or slave,” that somehow he’d be seen as the bad guy. To which he came to the startling conclusion that if he can’t speak his mind, then Martin Luther King didn’t get his job done.
Um, ya think?
I guess Cliven missed the part where Rev. King was stopped in his fight against “this prejudice stuff,” by a bullet from a long range rifle. I guess, as per Cliven Bundy, the struggle continues.
Bundy’s racist comments caused all of his celebrity politicians to literally run in the other direction. Even rightwing shill Sean Hannity who one day described Cliven as a “hero,” only to change direction the next day and denounce him as “ignorant, repugnant and despicable.”
So you thought you’d seen it all – huh?
Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait – It Gets Worse
However, the coup de grace in what was a month for racism, was of course the ranting of Los Angeles Clippers owner, billionaire Donald Sterling.
The octogenarian trumped the other two douche bags as well as a U.S. Supreme Court ruling that allowed the state of Michigan to uphold the ban on Affirmative Action for public universities.
Sterling, a totally tanned and generally invisible force behind LA’s perennial second team, evidently had been living the good life. His was a life full of racial oppression, young mistresses, NAACP Awards, redlining and money, lots and lots of money.
While many of us couldn’t pick this douche out of a lineup, a taped peek into his private life and thought process made him the proverbial cherry on top of this crap-cake-o-hate.
Sterling, in a secretly taped conversations with his 31-year-old err, archivist, V. Stiviano, wondered why his bi-racial escort insisted on taking social media photos with Black people like the Dodger’s Matt Kemp and NBA legend Magic Johnson.
As it turned out Stiviano was working overtime on the whole thing “archiving” one night and recorded a private argument between she and Sterling. The tape somehow was leaked to TMZ.com, causing the once proud owner of the Clippers to be outed as a douchey friggin’ racist.
Sterling went as far as to beg the very exotic Stiviano to not only refrain from taking pictures with all Blacks, but also forbid her from walking in public with Black and bringing them to LA Clippers games.
“The issue is why do you take pictures with minorities?” Sterling angrily asked, while pointing out that associating with Black people was disrespectful. “Why should you be walking with Black people- why?”
I don’t know who was more shocked by the release of the tape, Sterling, Mrs. Sterling or Stiviano, who said she has no idea how the highly damaging tape made it onto public arena. She definitely couldn’t image such a tape going public while she was embroiled in a lawsuit from the Donald’s wife, who looked to make her both homeless and car-less.
The release of the tape set off a firestorm of criticism for our poster boy for racists, even though he never uttered the magic “N-word.”
He was banned from the NBA for life, hit with a $2 million fine, and appears to be losing ownership of his team, which staged a protest by turning their gear inside out and making a protest at mid-court during a playoff game.
Big name stars like LeBron James, Shaquille O’Neal , Charles Barkley and the aforementioned Magic Johnson called for the league to bounce Sterling from ownership.
President Barack Obama even weighed in on the scandal.
“The United States continues to wrestle with the legacy of race and slavery and discrimination,” the President was quoted as saying during his visit to Malaysia. “When ignorant folks want to advertise their ignorance, you don’t really have to do anything, you just let them talk. That’s what happened here.”
By late April, Sterling had become a pariah to the league he had been an owner in for decades and Stiviano became a sought after interview and creator of the whole face visor craze.
He was interviewed by Anderson Cooper and proclaimed he was not a racist. And in true douchey fashion, he portrayed himself the victim. Sterling, who said he was the NBA’s longest tenured owner, portrayed himself as a lovelorn married guy who fell for V. and was set up in return.
Sure he was caught disparaging minorities and begging his mistress to not be seen in public with them, but, that’s nothing compared to what he did in the past.
Sterling was forced to pay the US Justice Department $2.6 million for discriminating against African-Americans, Latinos, Asians and families with children at his housing complexes in Los Angeles. In those days of old, Sterling said Blacks smelled and attracted vermin, Latinos and Asians were too docile to protest even the worst living conditions.
Despite giving to several charities for the needy, Sterling was also sued by NBA legend Elgin Baylor, who said Sterling maintained a “Plantation Mentality” in LA and forced him out of the organization in 2008 after 22-years of service.
However, as the President said, just keep a racist talking. Sterling later questioned why Magic Johnson was revered, given he was stricken with HIV. He further alleged that Johnson never did anything for the greater community Black community.
Sterling, who is reportedly Jewish, also blew the cover off the whole class and caste system in Israel – stating that even Black Jews are looked down upon by their fellow Jews.
“It’s the world,” Sterling is heard stating about the issue. “You go to Israel – the blacks are treated like dogs.”
Umm – thanks for the insight.
While it is obviously more than douchey to oppress any people, it’s especially douchey when you are part of an ethnicity that itself has been oppressed and where you work in an industry whose workforce is 80 percent Black.
Donny Baby, eventually acquiesced and decided against fighting the NBA’s call for him to resign. At time of post he’s pondering allowing ownership of the Clips to go to his wife, who it appears may be the Grand Prize winner when all of the smoke settles.
In the end, it is Donald Sterling, epitomizes the ignorance and unmitigated douchiness that is racism.
Sterling is Jewish and hates Blacks despite “being in love” with one and making millions off of others.
Frazier Glenn Cross hates Jews so much that he needed to randomly kill people he thought were Jews as an act of “defiance.” However, regardless of how Klanned-down the former Grand Dragon was he still found the time to get arrested with a Black, transgendered prostitute.
And then there’s Cliven Bundy, who somehow sees himself as an American patriot in a country he does not believe should exist or be governed by democratically elected officials “We The People” put in the White House and Congress – sheesh!
Well, despite the odd hypocrisies that emerge from under the veil of racism, we are not confused about the douchiness of these three “D-bags” in the month of April 2014.
So enjoy your award. You Nazi loving, thievin’-assed, nigress keeping douche bags. You are the Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag Award winners for April 2014!