Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
The October 2012 Douchey McDouchebag Award
When we went to hand out our coveted award for the month before a Presidential election, there were so many candidates, but for us, only one stood out.
The chia pet hair having, orange complekted, tough talking, â€œYouâ€™re fired,â€ saying, GOP primary reject Donald Trump, was the douche who grabbed our top prize.
Yeah, there are so many reasons you could call the Donald a douche, but in the month of OctoberÂ 2012, he shone as the brightest dickwad in our universe of losers for his attempt to bribe the President with a measly $5 million. Set forth in a pre-election announcement that surprised everyone in its lameness and pathos, Trump offered to donate funds on behalf of the President in exchange for guess what? Â Yep, more identification documents.
This debacle occurred as the election loomed and GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney pulled close to President Barack Obama in the polls.
Just days after Romney had lost the final Presidential debate, everyone wondered when would one of the oldest American political paradigms, â€œThe October Surprise,â€ Â rear its ugly head.
Usually unveiled close enough to the election so that candidate in question has virtually no time to turn around public opinion and carry the election, most people wondered what a putz like Trump could produce that would actually change the course of the election?
In the movie: â€œWag The Dogâ€ it was the revelation that the fictitious incumbent President had an inappropriate interaction with a Campfire Girl.
With daily polls from the Conservative Media Complex indicating a Romney victory was almost assured, one wondered what was up the sleeve of the sleazy Trump, when he trumpeted his announcement on social media.
Â Starved for attention, as usual, Trump jumped on every news station that would have him and fanned the flames. He said he could not disclosed details, kind of like Romneyâ€™s tax plan and personal income taxes, and told everyone to, â€œstay tuned for my big Obama announcement. Itâ€™s very big. Bigger than anybody would know.â€
Described as â€œa game changerâ€ we all wondered what Trump was going to pull out of his ass. He aligned himself with Americans, “Birthers,” whom refused to believe the President was born in the US earlier in the election cycle and indicated he had employed detectives to comb every inch of Obamaâ€™s native Hawaii for information on the Presidentâ€™s birthplace.
Twitter rumors suggested the reality television gas bag was going to produce old divorce papers from the first coupleâ€™s walk through a troubled time in their relationship. Others speculated that the twice divorced Trump had found a link to the President as a collegiate drug dealer.
Nonetheless, Trump told us to stay tuned and like some pathetic cinema gunfighter, the Donald pulled us to the edge of our collective seats for his big announcement, which was set for noon on Wednesday, October 24.
As advertised, the douchebag made his â€œbigâ€ disclosure on the internet with a self-indulged message â€œFrom the Desk of Donald Trump,â€ In which he challenged the President to release his college records and applications along with his passport records and application.
Trump said if the President complied with this request and met his criteria by Halloween, heâ€™d donate $5 million to his favorite charity. It was a deal the orange douche bag said, â€œI donâ€™t believe he (President Obama) can refuse.â€
In the end, Trumpâ€™s â€œmajorâ€ announcement proved to be just another boner, and as is usually the case for guys who donâ€™t pack much of one, they tend to leave everyone a bit disappointed.
President Obama laughed off Trumpâ€™s douchey offer and completed a tour of late night talk shows before sweeping to his second term with a win of the popular vote and a landslide in the Electoral College.
Romney was finished and Trump, one of his big supporters, took to social media, where he urged people to march on Washington and stop the travesty of a second Obama presidential term. Trumpâ€™s Twitter meltdown made for a perfect ending to a seemingly endless presidential campaign. It also ended any hope of a Republican recapturing the White House.
So hereâ€™s to you Dickhead – we know you were given everything by Daddy, lost everything, got everything back and are in dire need of attention.
Well, you got ours and now and weâ€™ve got the only thing you donâ€™t have â€¦ a nice red, douche bag with all of the trimmings. You are the Boom Bap Radioâ€™s Douchey McDouche Bag Winner for October 2012.
So you can go back to your boardwalk empire and your casino, because you crapped out on this election. Now takeÂ our nice red, rubberÂ bag and you know where you can put it â€“ so enjoy.
You overblown, dreadful hair piece sporting, fake-assed presidential wannabe â€“ Douche Bag!