Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
Â The June 2016 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
In June 2016 we stepped off the campaign trail and examined a douchey shooting spree that not only set a record for murderous sprees, but mixed in the very topical element of international terrorism for good measure.
We are of course speaking about the murderous shooting spree set off by New York born Omar Mateen, when he brought an assault rifle and a boatload of anger to the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida.
The shooting began at â€œOrlandoâ€™s Latin hotspot – The Pulse,â€ around 2 a.m. and moments later the gunman along with 49 others, lay dead.
The June 12, 2016 shooting set a record for deadly mass shootings in America with 49 killed and 53 injured by a lone gunman and stands as the most deadly attack on U.S. soil since the September 11, 2001 attacks in New York, Washington D.C. and Pennsylvania and the most deadly targeting a LGBT gathering ever.
When the smoke literally cleared, authorities connected the horrific shooting to the 29-year-old whose family hailed from Afghanistan. Mateen, who was an occasional patron of the night spot and for some unknown reason decided to attend the dance hall on Latin Night â€“ a weekly event held on Saturdays.
The reason for the apparently lone-wolf-style attack remained a mystery at time of press, but once it was classified as terrorist in nature, the picture of a douchey dissident with the hopes of reaping havoc began to take shape.
For whatever the reason, it is clear that whenever Omar Mateen decided to descend upon the largely LGBT hangout, he distinguished himself from so many other jackasses and became the Boom Bap Radio recipient of June 2016â€™s Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
But when did his moment of douchiness truly manifest?
It may have happened the moment this douche bag decided to purchase an assault rifle, handgun and explosives. Or maybe when he decided to prey upon a nightclub full of unarmed partygoers; or even when he chose to holla at a 911 operator and pledge his allegiance to ISIS/ISIL in the midst of grabbing his gat and going rat-ta-tat-tat.
Weâ€™re actually not sure.
But what is certain, is this loser at least decided to join the ranks of murderers in San Bernardino, California and France, who linked their crazy intentions to an international terrorist organization without learning a secret handshake, being issued a proper membership card or at least one of those menacing ninja-like outfits.
Once the murderous spree began, this security guard upped his douchiness by committing an unthinkable act of terror that took the lives of 50 people, injured another 49, only to die in a hail of police bullets.
The whole incident causes us to channel our inner-Shakespeare and ask the question: â€“ Et tu Douchey?
I Wanna Be Down
It appears Mateenâ€™s march towards â€œdouchey-domâ€ began long before he showed up at The Pulse in downtown Orlando with weapons.
Mateen legally purchased a long gun, assault rifle, and handgun in the two weeks prior to the massacre.
However, years before his dastardly final act, Mateen seemed to have a fascination with all things terroristic and had allegedly cheered for the Osama bin Laden led terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001 when he was in high school, even stating that the terrorist was his uncle by some accounts. Media reports indicate Mateen was suspended from school for a week after the claims.
Five years later the youngsters officially added â€œMateenâ€ to his surname to match his parents and married a Uzebekistani woman he met on social media. The couple separated months later and divorced in 2011.
That same year, Mateen visited Saudi Arabia and followed that vacay with another in 2012. The most recent visit, which was organized through NYUâ€™s Islamic Center, also included New York City Police officers. Federal investigators said it was during this time period that the government began investigating the trips of the Florida resident.
He was investigated by the FBI in both 2013 and 2014 for statements he made in support of terrorist organizations after boasting he had family ties to al-Qaeda that he had joined Hezbollah.
The 2013 investigation was ended after our douche said he only made the statements because a co-worker had been teasing him. Ten months later the investigation was closed, but Mateen was placed on a formal terrorist watch list.
The next year Mateen again gained the attention of investigation after he was linked to Moner Mohammad Abu Salha, an American who travelled to Syria to commit a suicide bombing. Authorities stated Mateen and Abu Salha both attended the same mosque, but soon after the May bombing closed their investigation into the Florida resident.
During this time, he was placed in the FBIâ€™s Terrorist Screening Database, but was later removed.
Mateen married for a second and ultimately took up residence with his family in California before leaving him in 2015. His trips to the Middle East were later investigated by the House of Representativeâ€™s Intelligence Committee.
On the night of the mass shooting, was later discovered that the shooter also took time out to indulge in text messages with his wife and posts on Facebook before calling a television station and identifying himself as the gunman.
In pure douchey fashion, Mateen followed the latest trend in terrorist tied killings where the evil-doer was set on killing, created a plan to kill and then decided to pledge his allegiance to ISIS/ISIL for good measure.
He allegedly called 9-1-1 and first identified himself as an Islamic Soldier of God and pledged himself to the Sunni militant jihadist group -Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant. Mateen told the television station was “triggered” by an airstrike in Iraq that killed an ISIS/ISIL commander.
When he returned to the reality of his situation, three chats with Police hostage negotiators broke down around 4:30 a.m. when Mateen threatened to detonate explosives. Police took action and ended the siege moments later. His wife, whoâ€™d been communicating with the terrorist, was visited by law enforcement.
All These Rumors
So what do you call it when speculation on the media and law enforcementâ€™s part subvert to create an unsubstantiated third option?
We call that douchey too.
Although twice married and obviously dangerously armed, Mateenâ€™s murderous rampage at The Pulse also seemed to produce half-baked ideas about not only his motivation for the killings, but also his motivation for descending on the club on a night largely reserved for the LGBTG community.
Shortly after the smoke had cleared speculation and reports emerged linking the devout douche bag to gay chat sites and even a mysterious male lover who went on American television stations in full make-up to sell us all a story of love gone wrong.
Identified only as â€œMiguel,â€ the alleged Puerto Rican lover of Mateen strode forward and took to Univision in prosthetic nose, a really bad mustache and wig to hide his identity, but out that of the now very dead mass murderer from Orlando.
Miguel portrayed Mateen as a hunka-hunka burning love, cruising on gay chat sites and regularly attending the Pulse and wrestling with his sexual identity and his religious beliefs.
The disguised accuser believed the Pulse massacre was a bi-product of Mateenâ€™s un-requited love for Latino men and revenge for him possibly contracting HIV after allegedly participating in a threesome.
For Miguel this possible encounter is when Mateenâ€™s jelly officially slid off his bread. The FBI later reported it found no evidence of his alternate lifestyle as a motive.
The CIA also conducted an investigation and said it found no links between ISIS/ISIL and Mateen.
The true motivation for his murderous rampage is unknown, but perhaps itâ€™s when you reach that douchey sweet spot that you decide to either kill a bunch of innocent people or fake committing yourself to an international terrorist organization.
Weâ€™ve Seen Your Kind Before, Youâ€™re Not Original
To that end Mateenâ€™s dastardly rampage was not only un-unique because he performed a mass killing in the mass murder capital of the world, or maybe because like other recent murderous gunmen, he decided to muder instead of just doing us all a favor and first blowing his brains out.
No, no, what makes this ass an unmitigated douche bag, is the last minute pledge to an International terrorist group.
To murder anyone is unforgivable, but to make that act even less organic by trying to get some props from an organization to which you donâ€™t really belong is disgusting, pathetic and basically not that original.
So whether youâ€™re swearing allegiance to ISIS/ISIL, setting dubious records for mass shootings by a single gunman or just mercking folks from the LGBT community, Mateen is all definitions an asshole.
But for our purposes he epitomized the type of person who can only be described as a douche bag.
So, call your wives, your gay lovers, 911 or ISIS, we donâ€™t care, youâ€™re the June 2016 Douchey McDouche Bag Award winner for Boom Bap Radio.
Weâ€™d send you a prize, but thankfully, youâ€™re no longer living, you confused, hateful, want a be international terrorist – douche!