Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
The August 2011 Douchey McDouche Bag Award Winner
In August we learned that sometimes finding your douche bag can be as elusive as finding a needle in a haystack or at least a little justice in our court system.
For our August Douche Bag, we looked to the courts and there, we found our winner: Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr.
Vance, Jr., brought public charges against the former head of the International Monetary Fund Dominique Strauss-Kahn (DSK) and introduced us to the woman who accused him of rape – Nafissatou Diallo.
Okay, in case youâ€™re scratching your head, Vance is the son of former President Jimmy Carterâ€™s Secretary of State Cyrus Vance, Sr.
He was all over the media and appeared to be the face of justice when it came to prosecuting the French politico who stood accused of raping a hotel maid from Africa.
Things first got funky back in May when New York City police arrested Strauss-Kahn minutes after he fled a Manhattan hotel after allegedly forcing a maid to blow his â€“ um, mind. As the story goes, DSK â€“ as he was dubbed by the media â€“ allegedly forced himself on a hotel maid at the Sofitel and bounced so fast he left behind his celly and a little, sticky DNA on her stockings.
Before he could say, â€œI did not have sex with that woman,â€ Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund and French Presidential candidate, was arrested by New York authorities after boarding an outward bound Air France flight minutes before takeoff.
During those wacky days in May, DSK and accuser Nafissatou Diallo, were national news.
So, after the 62-year-old DSK was given a good old fashion NYC perp-walk, lost his job and faced additional charges from an old accuser, Diallo was doing interviews with Good Morning America and Newsweek.
In the end, one would hope that the same DNA and circumstantial evidence that made this case seemingly a â€œslam-dunkâ€ would have at least made it worthy of a trial â€“ but hold up, wait a minute.
After all of the media coverage, the detaining of the French official, first in jail and then in a luxury condo, Vance started a slow reverse field. Better yet, he created a whole, new media reality.
Suddenly stories emerged that Diallo had tricked the Manhattan DA on her account of the assault. Then, it was that the Grand Jury testimony was flawed. Later it was that she deceived the DA on stories from her past. The gang rape in her native Guinea may never have happened and then they got really douchey and scared when some $60,000 was found in her bank account from a former boyfriend, who is currently serving time on a drug offense.
Did anyone think about investigating claims before charges were brought?
Where was all of that top notch investigation we see on CSI?
Was I watching a really bad version of that Jamie Foxx movie â€“ Law Abiding Citizen?
Put it all together and youâ€™ve got a douchey situation that even Summerâ€™s Eve couldnâ€™t cleanse â€“ PU!
When the dust settled, Diallo was painted as less than credible and DSK seemed to become less of a criminal and more like a â€œvictim???â€ He returned to France where he faces another sexual assault claim, the civil case from Diallo in the US and flowers, lots of pretty flowers from Karl Lagerfeld.
Ultimately, Vance, who was so sure in May, dismissed all criminal charges against Strauss-Kahn in August, despite DNA evidence and the obvious appearance of some malfeasance.
FAIR HAIRED BOY
However, this was just the latest in a conga-line of failures for the fair haired Vance. From the failure to convict contractors in a post 9/11 Deutsche Bank building collapse to the failure to get a clear conviction on two police officers accused of raping a drunk, East Village woman â€“ isnâ€™t nepotism grand?
In the end, the Manhattan DAâ€™s spectacular botch of this case has made the DSK affair both forgettable and memorable at the same time. It transported us back to a time long ago and far away when rape victims were doggedly questioned for inviting their attackers to assault them.
I feel dirty after the whole affair, but for the very well connected District Attorney of Manhattan, weâ€™ll have to offer a vinegar and water rinse.
Yo, Cy Jr., whenÂ criminal matters do not go to trial because it might end in a loss, the whole legal system gets compromised. The courts are supposed to bring justice and clarity to murky criminal events, not serve as score boards for someoneâ€™s legal career – you douche!!