Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
Â The November 2013 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
Here at Boom Bap Radio we usually set our jaw in a critical way and bestow the award of Douchey McDouche Bag on the biggest ass-hat of the previous month.
While weâ€™ve largely used the â€œprizeâ€ to point out inequities and those who perpetuate them,Â every once in a while we have to kick back, stop being so serious and let circumstance present us our victor.
During the month of November 2013 our douche bag was not some criminal, murderer, or break in the system, as has often been the case. In November our champ was a politician who simply wanted to party like a rock star.
Rotund Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has taken our mighty prize out of lower Northern America and lifted it into Canada largely because his arrogance allowed him to not only smoke crack cocaine and get caught, but to somehow portray himself as a victim.
Ford, minus the pledge pin or pencils hanging from his nostrils, followed the Frat boy playbook and attacked the system which rightfully outed him as a drug user and drunkard.
We first were introduced to Ford back in June when news reports surfaced that a video tape existed showing him smoking crack cocaine. Ford of course, vehemently denied rumors of the tape despite news of an ongoing drug investigation into one of his playmates.
By November, when charges were filed against a friend and occasional driver for the mayor, it was disclosed that Mayor Chubsey-Ubsey finally fessed up to smoking the crack rock. In fact, he then could remember that it happened a year prior while he was in his default position -Â â€œdrunken stupor.â€
A douche bag to the end, Ford stated that he had never lied to the reporters by denying use of the drug, but had simply stated that he was not an addict. Recalcitrant in keeping his office and powers as Mayor, Ford lived in a douchey universe that seemed to mirror one of a crackhead.
A sweet place where facts are negotiable and where drug use is incidental. In this world, any suggestion that one may be an actual addict is rebuffed and just ridiculous. Itâ€™s that magical land inhabited by thousands of douche bags named â€œDenial.â€
â€œIf someone would have said, came up to me and said. â€œHave you ever smoked crack? Have you ever smoked weed? I would have said, â€œYeah, I have,â€™â€ CNN quoted Ford as stating. â€œBut when you come and accuse me of being a crack addict and say, â€˜Do you smoke crack?â€™ No I donâ€™t. Have I? Yeah, OK. Have I drank , have I acted like an idiot when I drank? Yeah, I did.â€
You would think such an admission, in light of months of lies, would have caused his council colleagues to look the other way, but like a combination stalker movie and trainwreck, Ford just couldnâ€™t stay out of the limelight.
Instead Ford declared an out and out war against the Toronto City Council.
In fact, since the admission, documents were released chronicling additional allegations of drug use, drunkenness, as well as verbal and physical abuse of aides by the big fella.
All the hula-balu caused the Toronto City Council to call for Ford to consider a leave of absence.
When he refused, the council voted to strip him of most of his power, including his ability to govern in an emergency and to appoint and dismiss committee chairs. The governing body later voted to delegate additional duties, effectively relieving the leader of â€œFord Nationâ€ of all of his power.
However, it didnâ€™t end there.
Ford gave press conference after press conference where he defiantly proclaimed he would never leave office!
Dressed combatively in his Toronto Argonauts football jersey, Ford loudly and angrily opposed the allegation that he asked to pet the stafferâ€™s â€“ umm, kitten.
He told the Toronto press, he never asked to eat the stafferâ€™s â€œP-word.â€ Â â€œI would never do that. Iâ€™m happily married. Iâ€™ve got more than enough to eat at home, thank you very much,â€ Ford said.Â Â â€œI would never do that. Iâ€™m happily married. Iâ€™ve got more than enough to eat at home, thank you very much,â€ Ford said.
What a douche!
Beloved by his supporters, Ford remained defiant and even expected to begin his next career as a television star.
Unfortunately, the Sun News Network called off the Rob Ford Show after only one episode.
In doing so, the network missed Fordâ€™s next performance, a full on harangue where the mayor was taped doing what he does best; staggering around in a drunken and cursing to â€œfâ€™ingâ€ kill someone by ripping out their throat or poking out their eyes.
Ford of course dismissed the taped display, evidently he was blind stinking drunk at the time – again.
Ford adds to a longstanding tradition in the information age, which began unceremoniously with Marion Barry in the 90â€™s. Public displays of mayors behaving badly, but got a shot in the arm in 2013 from former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.
Barry was caught in an undercover FBI sting after meeting up with ex-girlfriend Rasheeda Moore in a Washington D.C. hotel for a little fun. After threatening to not put out unless crack rock was involved, Barry took the bait and kicked a little base before the Federaliâ€™s came crashing through the make believe wall
Yep â€“ bitch did set you up â€“ Mayor Barry.
After 6 months in federal prison, Barry returned to the city council in 1992 and was later re-elected mayor in 1994.
This year nasty-ass San Diego Mayor Bob Filner was sentenced to three months of home confinement and three years of probation for harassing women on his work site.
Nearly 20 women have publicly identified themselves as victims of the 71-year-old Filnerâ€™s desires. Charges against Mayor McNasty included felony false imprisonment of a woman against her will, battery for kissing another without permission and more battery charges for grabbing anotherâ€™s buttocks.
Somewhere between all of the charges and the lawsuit from his former communications director for sexual harassment Filner, unceremoniously resigned his post in late August of this year.
But after all of the tough talk and stripping of mayoral power, you might expect Ford to be on his way to jail or at least hiding under a crack house sofa or something, but not so much.
Obviously things are different north of the border.
Where mayors like Marion Barry were sentenced to jail for getting caught smoking crack and Filner in San Diego was forced to resign, Ford retained his job and still reserves the right to govern and get s-faced.
In the end, to quote Dean Wormer of Animal House fame, â€œBeing fat, drunk and stupid,â€ really is no way to go through life.
Yo, Mayor Ford â€“ crack is whack!
But, hereâ€™s something to wrap your lips around.
When you awake from your latest drunken stupor, you’ve been namedÂ our Douchey McDouche Bag winner for the month of November. So get your lips off that glass pipe and sober up, you powerless, egomaniacal, mayor in name only â€“ Douche!