For us itâ€™s a time to reflect upon the month and focus on gratitude before the New Year fills us with cheap whiskey and wine and allows us to forget how we got here.
Yep â€“ we not only hold it down for Hip-Hop, but we also check to see whoâ€™s been naughty and whoâ€™s been nice this season.
Now gather around children and make a wish or sit on a hefty, bearded guy â€“ whatever makes you joyous and cheerful around this time of year.
Uh ha â€“ this is the Boom Bap Radio 2013 Christmas Rap.
Black and Blue
The season in 2013 kicked off with the newest of all American tradition and contact sport â€“ Black and Blue Friday!
Okay, I embellished a little, but for realz, I am of course referring to â€œBlack Friday,â€ the day after Thanksgiving where psychopaths get up extra early or sleep out overnight in order to get the seasonâ€™s best deals.
In the olden days, um like a few decade ago, this day catered to those ultra-prepared shoppers, who were all raring to go a day after loading their bellies with turkey and rassleberry dressing. This lunatic fring did get great deals and usually complete most of their shopping for the holidays on this hallowed day.
For the rest of us, we usually waited until Christmas Eve to do our shopping, not because we really were fascinated by big deals, but usually due to procrastination or just being from a funky town called â€œLow Cash.â€
However, like most things in our country, this tradition was subject to change and has actually become such a media boon that many big box retailers geared up to begin Black Friday on Thanksgiving itself, something that usually only Walmart was greedy enough to do.
Nope this year Macyâ€™s, JC Penney, Kohlâ€™s , The Gap, Bath & Body Works; Toys R; Old Navy and Target were listed among the many retailers actually jumping the traditional Friday mayhem and beginning the mean season on Thanksgiving itself.
And with the media watching, you know what our dumb-asses did?
Put on a damn show!
We got all vaselined up and began brawling to get into the store, brawling at the store and tasing anyone who got in our way.
Now, Iâ€™m no babe in the woods, I remember the bloody mothers beating each other for Cabbage Patch Kids a few decades back. I also remember people getting stampeded at Wal-Mart just a few years ago, but this was different we got really krunk in 2013.
According to medicaldaily.com: Â Fox News reported a man in Jerz was charged with disorderly conduct and aggravated assault on a police office in Walmart. In Chicago, an alleged shoplifter /driver was shot by police after allegedly dragging an officer in the Kohlâ€™s parking lot. There were shootings in California, stabbings in West Virginia all in the name of holiday cheer.
However, the most shameful event occurred in Philadelphia, Pa., at Franklin Mills Mall when a fight broke out between two women around 2 a.m.Â Slaps and punches are exchanged and more hair pulling than at an extension shop before one of them broke out a taser and began putting on her own personal light show.
Mall security descended on the two, broke up the cat fight and let the two limp back to their respective corners – shocking!
We Are At War?
Our friends over at the Conservative News Network (i.e. Fox News) got completely out of pocket and began banging the drums and calling for an end to the â€œWar on Christmas!â€
Paranoid and still sensitive after losing the election and having fewer wars, Conservatives have decided they would identify a new battle, which is of course going on right under your Liberal noses.
In this bubblicious world, a few isolated incidents in the tiny hamlet of Bubble-F, located in a red state not far from you, all the agnostics and atheists joined forces and started shutting down Christmas because they are offended by gaudy Christmas displays.
No doubt this has occurred somewhere, but a war is pushing it.
But facts never get in the way of a good story at Fox News.
The war coverage is pretty much a daily event during the holidays. In fact, theyâ€™ve even unleashed their special battle cry. The crusaders against the non-Christians simply will walk up to anyone, they donâ€™t care who, and in a loud clear voice say: â€œMerry Christmas!â€
Thatâ€™s right, you non-believers â€“ take that and suck on it!
Is it disrespectful to all of those who donâ€™t see Christ as their personal savior?
Sure, but itâ€™s a war afterall.
Somewhere in the middle of all of these reindeer games came the atom bomb in the battle for Christmas, courtesy of Foxâ€™s own Tokyo Rose â€“ Megyn Kelly.
Kelly, who read an editorial on a website named: Slate.com, was offended when an African- American writer, with her tongue tucked neatly in her cheek, mused about her feelings about St. Nick and his jolly old white ass. The writer felt uncomfortable around the worshiping of Santa and a society that seemed too willing to bend to the will of this guy without thinking about all of the non-white kids who might see Santa in a darker hue.
The writer went onto almost jokingly suggest maybe a cartoon likeness of Santa as a penguin should be adopted so other kids would not feel blue as she had.
After a non-white Santa was suggested it was obvious a new front had opened in the war and General Kelly was not going to take it anymore.
On her â€œKelly Reportâ€ television show, she sternly proclaimed â€“ to all the kiddie out thereâ€¦
“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white,” Kelly informed viewers. “Santa is what he is…. I wanted to get that straight.” “Just because [an image] makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change,” Kelly said. “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure â€” that’s a verifiable fact.”
I guess she forgot that Bethlehem was located in the northern part of the continent of Africa Â â€“ oh well, whose counting?
Oh, for all of you who actually are counting with Megyn – thatâ€™s:
1. Santa = white.
2. Jesus = white.
Now get back in your filthy holes! And donâ€™t challenge Megyn on fiction â€“ she does work for Fox and therefore could be considered an expert on the make believe, Santa, WMDâ€™s and the Easter Bunny.
After apologizing by blaming all the non-whites for making her feel stupid for defending an imaginary holiday figure, all we could do was offer Megyn some coal for her stocking of course.
I do mean it metaphorically, as well as actually and it really doesnâ€™t have to be of the clean variety.
Be it Nat â€œKingâ€ Cole; Natalie Cole; Norris Cole; Bimbo Coles; Cole from the Martin Lawrence Show, I donâ€™t care just get that B some coal!
And Megyn, in my heavy Jamaican accent, â€œMe (still) no care what the white man say â€“ Santa Claus is Black.â€
It Was As if They Had a Target on Their Back
As Christmas came closer all of those timely shoppers got their just deserts when Target department stores divulged that if you shopped with a credit card at their store all of your personal financial data had been obtained by hackers.
Patrons who decked the halls at Target from Black Friday to mid-December, evidently became a part of the storeâ€™s holiday woes when the store informed the public that 40 million credit and debit card numbers and security cards had become public when they were hacked â€“ sorry.
Because hacked financials during the busiest holiday season wasnâ€™t exactly the gift Target customers were seeking when they trudged to the big box store, the retailer was given another gift that keeps giving â€“ lawsuits.
As we post this article, plaintiffs in Rhode Island, Oregon and California have filed negligence lawsuits for damages with the popular, mega superstore.
Kind of does make you want to drive your car right into a store â€“ huh?
In the end, Iâ€™m not sure if violence and reprehensible behavior is up or are there just more outlets reporting on it.
However, from Philadelphia, to San Jose to D.C. and back, the holidays seem to bring out the crazy in us Americans despite all of the beautiful stories of giving, peace and religious bliss that comes along with December each year.
And Megyn, um, the first human, our common ancestor, was from Africa too, just like Jesus – they just were.
Thatâ€™s a wrap.
Put a friggin bow on it!