Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
Last month we took a look at the douchiness that is the Conservative situation as it applies to Pimpin’ Donald Trump.
Funny, pathetic and scary all at the same time, the American public’s loss of patience with its elected officials has been a back-beat to the 2016 Presidential race.
While Republicans scramble and squabble over a lack of identity and prepare for a possible contested convention, over on the Democratic side, an unexpected candidate gained traction and seized the fancy of mostly youthful voters and others who somehow also missed their civics class.
As we liberals chuckled at the ignorance on the right, we found the same sentiment existed on the left and it too was “douche-a-licious.” Similar to the race on the right, the Democratic race for the White House was also more driven by the underdog than the favorite.
In Liberal Land, the star power of the Clinton name was supposed to bring out star spangled representation from Hollywood and dwarf a Vermont senator, who was largely only known to those of us who spent our Friday nights with Bill Maher. By the time Spring had sprung, the assumed victory party had turned douchey and a clear fissure had emerged in all aspects of the Democratic party.
It is for this reason that in April 2016 we here at Boom Bap Radio focused our sights on what had turned out to be a knock down drag-out race for the Democratic top spot between presumptive front-runner and former First Lady Hillary Clinton and longtime senator and Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders when we looked for douche bags.
The race, which should have been a victory lap for the Democratic Party, turned into a nasty and divisive race for the world to see. While Clinton ultimately won the required number of delegates to gain the nomination of her party, Sander’s dogged determination posed an enduring threat to the coronation of someone who was expected to be on her way to being America’s first female President the moment she left the Obama White House.
It seemed Candidate Clinton, by way of private emails and every other gaff she could walk into, was douche-ly attempting to lose the big one – AGAIN.
While Bernie Sanders, despite his socialist views, emerged as a serious candidate and forced the moderately liberal Clinton out of her comfort zone and noticeably to the left.
But it was Sanders’ insistence on unfulfillable promises and pipe-dreams that made his quest for the nomination douchey. The douchey trifecta was achieved by the public’s inability to understand how the office worked and what a U.S. President can and cannot do.
Once the public was seen as three time dope, Bernie continued to promise blue skies and rainbows to his adoring public, which thought they were going to see an absolute social revolution at the hands of the senator from Vermont. The only problem was while Bernie was bringing the heat, he somehow missed the last 7-plus years of Barack’s Obama’s presidency and how inflexible Congress has been in passing anything not conservative.
So April 2016 became the month for a couple of well-meaning Dems became douchey and, in the process, gained our coveted award and beat each other senseless in pursuit of the U.S. Presidency.
Smells Like Teen Spirit
When the primary season began in the Fall of 2015 the Democratic field was made up of five candidates all of those months ago.
At the time, the field consisted of Clinton and Sanders, but also former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, Virginia senator Jim Webb and finally former Republican turned Democrat and Rhode Island Governor and senator Lincoln Chafee.
Webb was the first to dropout in mid-October. He was followed days later by Chafee, who ran on the platform of “Prosperity Through Peace.”
By February O’Malley, who had earmarked himself as the face of the new generation of leadership was gone.
However the true “new generation” showed its face early on and we all found out what happened to all of the “Occupy Wall Street” protestors. Not as unruly and unpredictable as the Republican side, the 2016 race for President on the Democratic side was marked by youthful angst and a call for revolution against the status quo.
Portraying the former First Lady as part of the old guard, youthful supporters and others disenchanted with political leadership over the past 25-years, flocked to Bernie Sanders and a political star was born.
Sanders, who served as a Democratic Socialist from Vermont, began a run for the White House that called for a complete change in the banking system, an overhaul of the oft challenged federal healthcare, free college for everyone, free daycare and a liberal sprinkle of rainbows and unicorns during his campaign against presumptive Democratic presidential candidate – Hillary Clinton.
In what was a shocker to most who followed U.S. politics, the 74-year-old Sanders garnered a significant backing from those ultra-liberals who were still pissed at Obama and openly said they could not envision themselves voting for a Conservative Dem like Clinton.
Scoffed off as naïve and insignificant in his support, liberal Americans between the age of 18 and 30-years of age began to “Feel the Bern,” and suddenly things weren’t as easy-peasy on the Democratic side as it was expected to be when the race for the White House began.
By the time April rolled around the all-important New York state primary awaited and it appeared Hillary’s former district may decide who would get the opportunity to follow Obama.
In fact, the race became so contentious that Sanders supporters openly mocked the former First Lady and not much different than the Conservatives, the primary race became a caricature with Sanders becoming the affable and cuddly “Uncle Bernie,” and Clinton becoming the evil face of status quo politics.
Pantsuits were mocked and alliances were tested as Hollywood and other youthful voters openly split from the Clinton brand and boldly opened up about the need to follow Bernie Sanders and the possibility of not being able to stomach voting for a system stalwart like Hillary and amount of hot sauce could fix it.
Although Hillary was expected to slay Bernie in New York, fund-raising events in Harlem and Greenwich Village drew thousands for Sanders and cast a shadow over the presumptive Clinton victory dance.
In the end, it became clear that the voters who elected President Barack Obama to two terms were at least split on how to follow up on his legacy.
Hate and Ash-Bern
However, douche bags were wild in April of 2016 and after Sanders won consecutive contests in lesser states like, Idaho, Utah, Alaska, Hawaii, Washington Wisconsin and Wyoming, his supporters began questioning the process and how the delegates were being counted.
By the time the primary race reached New York on April 19th, Sanders was emboldened and Clinton seemed to almost wonder aloud why her former Senate colleague would not just go away. But what had been a fairly civil contest between Liberal contemporaries de-evolved into open bickering and sniping, when Clinton questioned where her opponent had enough experience to be President.
Before we knew it, the former First Lady and lovable legislator were rolling around in the mud like a couple of Republicans.
Leading the change in tone, was the compassionate and youthful Bernie supporters, who adopted the candidate’s vitriol and questioned the validity of the electoral system and Clinton’s support from Wall Street firms and her support of the Iraqi War.
Passionate and refreshingly supportive, young voters embraced Sanders’ “Revolution” which promised more jobs, free college, higher minimum wages, a reshaping of the banking system, free healthcare and jail for corrupt bankers, despite the lack of a concrete method of paying for the massive change.
The exuberance of Sanders supporters did at least draw attention to the Democratic primary process and how it selects its candidate.
As support continued for Sanders and his “Political Revolution,” his supporters became more vocal and we were suddenly reminded that many of those people who were all in on Obama, were voting for Hope at the expense of the imminently qualified former U.S. Senator from New York.
Going into July 25th, Democratic National Convention (DNC) in Philadelphia, Clinton had won 2,205 pledged candidates from election to Sanders 1,846. However, Clinton’s Super Delegate count out-pointed Sanders 602 to 48.
Because the Super Delegates do not count until the convention, Sanders began to rail for the high ranking Dems to change their allegiance, arguing that he had momentum among the electorate and therefore should be considered a serious candidate.
Just like the Republicans, talk of contested conventions began to waft from the Sanders camp and both Democratic factions proclaimed the other as “douchey” for either supporting “evil” Hillary, the ultimate party insiders, or backing Sanders, who was being seen as a sore and selfish loser.
With New York in her pocket and the primary season coming to an end, many will forget those lazy, hazy days of April when it looked like Hillary at least blinked during a Bernie Sander’s surge.
Stubborn as a Mule
A symbol for the Democratic Party for almost 190 years, the kicking Democratic donkey symbolizes its credo: “stubborn as a mule.” Originally unveiled for populist Andrew Jackson, the symbol first appeared to label the former General as a “jackass.” He won and incorporated it into his campaign. After Jackson left office, the donkey stayed on and was said to symbolize stubbornly not following the previous president, even if they were from the same party.
No more suitable symbol could be used to portray the campaigns of both Clinton and Sanders, who battled lingering and personal issues throughout the seemingly endless contest for their party’s nomination.
At time of press, the 800-lb. gorilla in the room was and continued to be the probe into then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton using a private email server to conduct sensitive federal business.
A report was issued in May 2016 from the State Department investigation showed that Clinton as well as predecessors Madeline Albright, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice and John Kerry all had private servers for email. While it has been discontinued by Kerry, Albright and Rice never used their private servers for business related emails.
Powell and Clinton appeared to have used these private servers, but as the use of email changed the way people communicated the use of such servers became more regulated until we reached present day.
Powell was thought to have used the private server and disposed of the emails and Clinton seemed to use the server for a mix of personal and business correspondences.
The use of the private email server, which had been investigated by Congress and dogged Clinton when she was Secretary of State under Obama, picked up steam during the primary as the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) and Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) joined the inquiry into whether the former First Lady used the private server to hide classified data.
Typifying her party, or a douchey donkey, Clinton lied, misspoke and appeared confused throughout this entire affair, although it was definitely over played by her opponents. Despite leaving the Secretary of State post in 2012, the longtime chants of: “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi” continued to follow her candidacy, although her Democratic opponent never strolled down that road.
To her credit, with a gigantic lead in the all-important Super Delegates, Clinton pushed on and allowed the cat calls of “liar” and an indictment waft overhead like so much cigar smoke from her hubby.
Although honorable, Sanders struck his douchey donkey pose after April when it appeared all hope of victory was fleeting in his presidential campaign.
Just as stubborn was challenger Bernie Sanders’ lack of support for presumptive candidate Clinton, even as the Democratic Party crept closer to its national convention in Philadelphia.
Sanders voiced support for Clinton, but stopped short of endorsing his longtime competitor for the Democratic presidential nomination. In those lazy Spring days, Sanders was “Berning up” Hillary supporters by pondering making the Convention a contested one.
In the end, Bernie Sanders’ “revolution” did more to shape the direction of the Democratic platform in 2016 and the resolve of his supporters helped to define the political season, which on both sides was douchey in so many ways.
So for all of you still swole after feeling the Bern, take a chill pill, or at least indulge in our refreshing vinegar and water spritzer you two crazy kids.
Enjoy your prizes because you may not agree on much, but to us here at Boom Bap Radio both you, former Mrs. First Lady and you, dude from Curb Your Enthusiasm have won the April 2016 Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
With Trump screaming about building walls and banning Muslims, you would think these two would embrace their collective similarities for the common good. Just in case you need a reminder, I’m sure Trump backers like the Aryan Nation of KKK will remind them not only what they think abou Jews and women, but what’s at stake.
So give each other a big hug and go fight The Donald, you stubborn, scandalous, liberal minded – douches!