Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
Â The March 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
For the March 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award we jetted all the way across the world to the former Soviet Union to search for our prize winner.
To identify our douche bag we didnâ€™t have to scour anything. We actually followed the sounds of protest all the way to the Ukraine, where political unrest has pushed that country to the brink of civil war between those with an allegiance to the old days of Communist rule and others who want a more a democratic existence.
While political uprisings usually bring their share of douchey violence, our prize package was not as much aimed at the street protestors and Russian reaction to civil unrest, as much as it was aimed at the political reaction in America that proceeded the Russian Fall uprising.
Since late 2013 Ukrainians have been raging against the machine and calling for a change in leadership from Russian backed President Viktor Yanukovich. Protesters elected Yanukovich to office in 2010 but somehow missed that the strong Russian ally actually worked in lock step with its President Vladimir Putin.
Protestors called for Yanukovich to step down in the hopes of ending Russiaâ€™s influence over the region and becoming a more independent European country.
Before we knew it, mysterious soldiers with unmarked uniforms showed up in the Ukraine to â€œsecure its bordersâ€ and the Crimean peninsula, where Russia still runs an active military base.
It was then, in March, when we broke out our wonderful red rubber douche bag for all involved. Yep, it was on like Donkey Kong!
U.S. President Barack Obama was all over it, but all the wing nuts on the right decided that somehow diplomatic discussions did not assert enough American bravado. In fact, some even suggested that the lack of a military response in Russia made us look weak and in America.
Donâ€™t give a flying F?
Yeah, I hear you.
Nonetheless, Yanukovich thumbed his nose at early protests and the calls for free trade accords, an increase in European trade and a better worldwide economic status.
What followed was a twisted maelstrom of in-fighting, emergency votes, intense protests and military shows of might as well as sanctions from the America and the European Union.
Of course because itâ€™s always only about U.S., the American media has chosen to focus on the re-freezing of relations between two Super Powers and how Obama has somehow not shown Putin whoâ€™s the boss in Vladâ€™s part of the world.
However, as is often the case in any large scale civil unrest, the lines were never completely clear.
In December of 2013, protestors called for the ouster of Yanukovich and protestors and police scuffled in Independence Square. Government buildings were blocked and occupied while students and workers went on strike, despite court orders that ban open rebellion.
Just weeks later, protestors were being killed and gassed. By February the Ukrainian Parliament voted to oust Yanukovich and release his imprisoned opponent Yulia Tymoshenko. The deposed Yanukovich fled to the Russian border for protection and watched his country slowly descend into political anarchy.
Russia almost immediately began moving its troops into the Kiev and along the countryâ€™s Eastern borders in Crimea, where it has a military base.
To make matters more confounding, the citizenry of the former Soviet nation, seemed open for change, but could not decide who they wanted to back.
Those loyal to sovereignty of the Ukraine called for help from members of the European Union and United States. Others put on their masks and began looting government office buildings as part of the population who sees Russia as liberators.
Fist-a-cuffs even broke out in the Ukrainian Parliament as its former Prime Minister Tymoshenko toured the divided country.
By early March, the eastern part of the country, namely Crimea and its parliament voted to join Russia. In addition, Pro-Russian Ukrainians began seizing government buildings, stealing Ukrainian armored vehicles and taking over parts of the former Ukrainian capital. Members of the Ukrainian Parliament went to Brussels to sign a trade pact with the European Union as a show of defiance to Moscow.
All of the in-fighting forced the Obama Administration to applaud the Ukrainianâ€™s quest for democracy and give sharp, angry warnings to Putin and Russia
The U.S. and EU started handing out economic sanctions on Russiaâ€™s inner circle like candy and Secretary of State John Kerry and Veep Joe Biden visited the region and warned Russia about additional aggression.
Initial sanctions were aimed at 21 politicos who are thought to have been involved in Crimeaâ€™s break from the rest of the Ukraine. Those sanctioned faced frozen assets and travel bans.
Expanding the sanctions seems to be the next step. The EU has already suspended talks with Russia on an economic pact and a visa agreement.
Although invading the Ukraine has been inconvenient for that nation and sanctions have made life inconvenient for Putinâ€™s inner circle, it also put in motion the douchey hate machine from Americaâ€™s far right and their wing of the media.
All of a sudden, douchey losers like Mittens Romney, the last guy to lose the GOP Presidential nod, came out of the shadows and started going back in time to the election of 2012.
Unlike his colleague Sarah Palin, Mitt canâ€™t see Russia from his backdoor, but he can see the future. Even though the Ukrainian situation didnâ€™t pop off until 2013, the Mitt-ster believes he saw it coming in 2012.
When interviewed on CBSâ€™ â€œFace The Nation,â€ Mitt said although the uprising surprised both the Ukraine and Russia, it shouldnâ€™t have surprised Obama, who he characterized as â€œnaÃ¯ve.â€
â€œThereâ€™s no question the presidentâ€™s naivete with regards to Russia and his faulty judgment about Russiaâ€™s intentions and objectives has led to a number of foreign policy challenges we face,â€ said Romney.
Speaking of losers, old man U.S. Sen. John McCain jumped into the fray and blamed the Presidentâ€™s â€œfecklessâ€ foreign policy for the Ukrainian revolution.
â€œMr. Obama â€˜believes that the Cold War is over,â€ McCain was quoted as saying, stating no one believes in American power anymore. â€œThatâ€™s fine, it is over, but Putin doesnâ€™t believe itâ€™s over.â€
However, this Pablum is not new.
The Right has been somewhere between hating Obama and praising Putin for more than a year now.
What, you donâ€™t remember?
Maybe the endless news cycle has caused you to forget how excited big names on the right were when President Barack Obama didnâ€™t just roll into Syria last year when poisonous gas came into play during public uprising in the Middle Eastern nation.
In October, Forbes Magazine glowingly ranked Putin as the worldâ€™s most powerful man and dropped our leader and humble narrator to the number two spot.
I guess this would matter if Forbes was an impartial news vehicle.
The financial monthly is run by Steve Forbes, chairman and Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Media .
Forbes is a media mogul by day and by night an openly douchey Right-wing politician. As an unsuccessful candidate for the GOP Presidential nomination in 1996 and 2000, he couldnâ€™t possibly have an axe to grind against a Democrat like Barack Obama.
Okay, everyone has to admit Forbes isnâ€™t exactly a Fair and Balanced member of the â€œLiberal Media,â€ â€“ right?
Not so much.
So excuse me if I was less than impressed when months of protest in the Ukraine led to a violent uprising and ouster of its elected president.
I was even less impressed when those same douche bags from the Right were calling for U.S. military solutions in the Ukraine and again waxing on how it made America look weak and what a nightmare Obamaâ€™s passive foreign policy had been.
In fact, it caused me to reminisce.
Sing it with me:
Friday night, it was March, it was late, I was watching the Ukraine fall, I turned on Fox and I was dreaming of the night â€“ would it turn out right?
I mean America is not World Police and have historically followed a policy of â€œNo Entangling Alliancesâ€ when it came to matters on the European continent. We entered World War I essentially three years after it began in 1914. Not to mention the U.S. didnâ€™t enter World War II until Pearl Harbor was bombed in December of 1941, a little over two years after Germany first invaded Poland.
So why is it â€œpassiveâ€ to not openly jump into a family squabble between Russia and their Ukrainian relative?
First off, opinion in the Ukraine seems to be split at best. Very similar to its Middle Eastern allies in Syria and in Egypt, residents seem to forget that the whole Democracy thing is very much a work in progress. Even we have to continuously tweak it to make it workable.
So when protestors take to the street and oust the people they just elected, the system breaks down and violent civil unrest is usually the outcome.
Oh, Keep Your Shirt On
The same engine-o-hate that pushed for Vlad to win the Nobel Peace Prize, was back and this time they had become experts on Russia, the Ukraine and Foreign policy.
Somehow the same douche bags who were pushing for Putin to win the Nobel Peace Prize and who were reveling in his Syrian maneuvers had returned for another round of Hater-aid on the 44th U.S. President.
Professional haters like Sean Hannity and Pat Buchanan also delighted in Putinâ€™s maneuvering and gleefully called for George W. Bush to make a comeback, because he could look the Russian President â€œright in the eye.â€
Okay, Vlad is too sexy for his shirt, but American hate for Obama has truly taken these douche bags into unchartered territory.
Some Americans even got so carried away about 18,000 of Sarah Palinâ€™s supporters filed a petition to allow Alaska to secede back to Russia.
Created by an unnamed Anchorage resident, the petition looked to return Alaska to Russian control. I wonder if they plan to reimburse the U.S. the $7.2 million it paid in 1867 to purchase ourÂ 49th state.
Putin is many things, the former head of the KGB, a thug, a divorcee and ruthless ruler, who gave refuge to a wanted spy like Eric Snowden, but luckily for the world he has not been a Nobel Peace Prize winner.
While it may be cool for Russia to just roll into sovereign lands and â€œsecureâ€ their interests, thatâ€™s not supposed to be how we roll in the U.S. of A.
In addition, those pushing for less â€œflecklessâ€ solutions in the Ukraine or some kind of military action, military aid or direct intervention, have obviously missed the point of this whole world power thing.
The bottom-line in any intervention has to be like that Buzzcocksâ€™ song: What Do I Get?â€
Unlike our past aggressive military act almost a decade ago in Iraq, there is no lure of easy money and Texas Tea.
The Ukraine, although recognized as a Democracy for a number of years does not produce anything that we can consume, other than newly minted democratic political ideals. While such thoughts are refreshing and help our leaders bust their guns for our way of life, it does little to provide incentive to stick our nose in yet another international affair.
So strike up the band and do your little dance on the catwalk President Right Said Fred, youâ€™re our March 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award winner.
Now enjoy those sanctions and your reliance on your Russian only economy, you interest protecting, sovereignty ignoring, militarily thugish â€“ douche!