Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The November 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
As has been a recurring theme throughout the year, terrorists grabbed all the headlines enroute to another bloody month in 2015.
Be it jihadists in the “City of Lights” or a wacko with a gun shooting up a Planned Parenthood, the actions of our November douche bags continued in a predictable direction; one usually found at the end of the barrel of a legally purchased gun.
Whether marching to the beat of the drum pounded by ISIS/ISIL or to those who followed the bongos in their own head, terrorists again grabbed the top prize in our shameful monthly contest – the Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
Ironically, in November we were hit with the increasingly rare double-dog douche of murderous situations when we were forced to taste the full width and breadth that comes with killing unarmed civilians.
I mean, how often do you get to compare an international incident where dozens were killed to a domestic incident that killed three?
Disgustingly, the regularity with which these killings have occurred has actually left us comparing kills and killers in the hopes of trying to define the term “terrorist.”
Things were made relatively easy for us in November when boogeymen of the day The Islamic State/ISIS/ISIL took credit for a “highly coordinated attack” in the middle of Paris, France.
The bloody events of November 13, 2015 will go down in history as an open act of war despite the lack of a defined front or actual countries fighting over national boundaries.
More importantly, this heinous act will join with another heinous act in America to define the “winners” of our monthly Douchey McDouche Bag Award for November 2015.
In the earlier part of the month armed gunmen killed 130 people and wounded 368 mostly unarmed people in Paris, while a lone gunman killed three and wounded 10 unarmed folks in Colorado Springs in the hopes of spreading fear and terror.
There is little different about the two shameful incidents, except a saddening headcount.
In Colorado, three were slain on Nov. 28, 2015 after 57-year-old Robert Dear allegedly descended upon a Planned Parenthood Clinic in Colorado Springs, Colorado with a gun and began blasting.
We can cherry pick between the two and decide which was more reprehensible, the foreign douche bags with a goal of spreading fear through jihad or the domestic jerk-off who looked to spread terror for his own extreme, right-wing goals, but that would be stupid and trivial on our part.
Here at Boom Bap Radio, our vision ain’t blurry and we call ‘em as we see ‘em.
Any terrorist is a douche bag – plain and simple.
No one has any time to discern between where and why they committed their wretched act, we only have to know that both are wrong and against the thoughts of all rational, civilized human beings.
N’s in Paris
On pretty un-extraordinary day in November, a collection of angry anarchists left their apartment in the St.-Denis suburb of Paris, grabbed all of the automatic weapons they could get their hands on and headed off into the night intent on killing unarmed Parisians.
Later identified as minions of ISIS/ISIL , the group of radicalized “terrorists” launched six separate attacks with guns and bombs, randomly aimed at unarmed civilians having dinner, watching a concert, having few drinks and taking in a football game.
One of the first attacks seemed to target France’s President Francois Hollande, who was taking in a football game at the Stade de France. At that site, a suspected suicide bomber detonated a explosives vest outside the stadium during the match.
A total of eight attackers were later tied to ISIS fighters in Syria. Further investigation found the murderers were actually Parisians and Belgium residents who idolized the killers trying to establish a forced theocracy in Syria and Iraq.
Attackers made the bulk of their kills at the Bataclan concert hall, where an obscure American rock band, the Eagles of Death Metal was performing. First opening fire on unsuspecting concert goers, the douchey ghouls then took hostages as police closed in. Three of the cowards allegedly detonated explosive belts in apparent suicide rather than be arrested.
In the end , 89 people were massacred at the Bataclan. In total 130 people were killed in the November attacks in Paris, continuing the era of ISIS/ISIL attacks aimed at European nations.
French President Hollande deemed the November attacks “an act of war” and quickly ramped up the offensive against ISIS/ISIL in Syria.
The alleged leader of the crew of malcontents was Abdehamid Abasoud, 27, of Belgium.
In alleged terrorist circles Abasoud was said to have been hailed for his planning of murderous attacks around Paris, many of which were thwarted by French intelligence before they were carried out.
When French authorities kicked in the door and began waving the .44, someone set off a suicide bomb vest and killed Abasoud and alleged accomplish Hasna Aitboulahcen, 26. An extensive manhunt began for Molenbeek resident identified as 26-year-old Salah Abdeslam, who police believe may have made his way ISIS stronghold Syria.
The five other douche bags blew themselves up in pursuit of trying to kill unarmed people.
For whatever reason douche bags killed, it was obvious that anyone trying to cold-bloodedly murder unarmed people could and should be labeled terrorists.
Some of That Homegrown
Just days after Americans were getting in touch with their French side and blowing out all of the candles with hand-drawn peace signs on the side, we were all reminded that it doesn’t take a highly coordinated murder plan blessed by foreign terrorists all hopped up on Islam to be a douche bag.
Nope, in America all you need is access to a firearm and the desire to shoot unarmed people, to earn a spot on our list.
Such was the case on Nov. 27, 2015, when without yelling “Allah Akbar” or setting off an explosive vest, American idiot Robert Lewis Dear allegedly decided to shoot up a Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs, Colorado just for the hell of it.
During the attack three people, including a police officer and two unarmed civilians were killed and another 11 people were wounded.
The 57-year-old Dear allegedly began his assault just before lunch when he allegedly entered the clinic wearing a hunting outfit and toting a long gun. Dear allegedly fired indiscriminately at security personnel and patients at the facility.
After firing a reported 20 shots, Dear held the staffers and remaining patients hostage in what turned out to be a six-hour standoff with police that ended with the arrest of the former small time art buyer and seller.
Reports tie Dear to almost 10 arrests, including charges for intrusion, voyeurism, eavesdropping and animal cruelty over the years. Despite numerous run-in’s with authorities, charges were usually dropped against Dear over the years and he resided somewhere between his trailer in Hartsel, Colorado and a shack in North Carolina that was without indoor plumbing.
Before his murderous spree, Dear was considered someone who was not obsessed with abortions, but politically conservative and had issues with President Barack Obama.
Born in South Carolina, Dear, like that kooky guy you meet at the corner of a neighborhood bar, reportedly would tell anyone who would listen that he had special secret information on the government and he just needed the nod to drop his imaginary dime.
Later, his crazy ass proclaimed himself “a warrior for the babies” and transformed his murderous spree into a imaginary crusade against abortions at the publicly funded healthcare center and its alleged practices of selling the tissues of aborted fetuses.
Although the charges against Planned Parenthood have gone largely unfounded, Dear turned his misinformation into action and now faces multiple first degree murder charges.
Of course rather than enlightening us about the evils of organized government, he decided to save the unborn by killing largely defenseless people who were already born.
Even more disappointingly, the seemingly monthly address by President Barack Obama was met with the seemingly monthly jeers from the National Rifle Association (NRA) and any and every right-wing nut job who conveniently cited the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution.
In a released statement following the Colorado shooting, an exasperated Obama urged Americans to disrupt the hit parade of violence and reach out to their representatives to strengthen gun control laws.
“The last the Americans should have to do, over the holidays or any day, is comfort the families of people killed by gun violence – people who woke up in the morning and bid their loved ones goodbye with no idea it would be the last time.
“This is not normal,” the President continued. “We can’t let it become normal. If we truly care about this – if we’re going to offer up our thoughts and prayer again, for God knows how many times, with a truly clean conscience – then we have to do something about the accessibility of weapons of war on our streets to people who have no business wielding them. Period. Enough is enough.”
So in November 2015 we learned that the face of terrorism isn’t some monolithic picture, despite what segments of the community believe.
Terrorists are all douche bags, whether they are from overseas wearing a suicide vest and chanting for praise from Allah or from Kentucky or North Carolina, toting a long gun and calling to Jesus as some kind of warrior.
Simply put, any coward who decides to shoot at those who can’t shoot back is a terrorist and we don’t care what they look like.
So raise your glass, or long guns, as you will, you’re Boom Bap Radio’s November 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award winner. In this context you are not being recognized not only because you are a douche bag, but for whatever compelled you to murder unarmed people with impunity makes you so much less.
That’s right you’re a terrorist. The type of pathetic anarchist who kills with no end game in sight just to show others you can.
So enjoy your award, you murderous, selfish, dastardly – douches!