Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
May 2012 Douchey McDouche Bag
The year was 2004.
As liberal America recovered from the Al Gore debacle, a new cast of candidates strode onto the scene and would right all of the wrongs that came to define the questionable win by George W. Bush in his first campaign for the White House.
This time it would be different, the ticket would feature old line Senator John Kerry from Massachusetts, the war hero and the up and coming Presidential hopeful, North Carolina Senator John Edwards.
Edwards, who spoke of eradicating poverty and whoâ€™s hair had all of the bounce of a Breck Girlâ€™s, seemed to figure in the Democratic Partyâ€™s future, while giving it a balanced ticket that could grab votes from the all-important and too often conservative Bible Belt.
So what could go wrong?
Well, Edwards, who seemed like a male fem-bot in those days, lost his state during the 2004 election and the rest, I guess is history.
He Had (some of) Us at Hello
Despite the loss, the star shone so brightly for Edwards that no one was even mad he was running in the 2008 election, which was supposed to be reserved for Sen. Hillary Clinton. Â We all thought, after she dispenses of him, maybe heâ€™ll be the veep and ascend to power just like H. W. Bush did after Ronald Reaganâ€™s presidency.
But faster than you could say Barack Obama, Edwards was gone.
His campaign crashed and burned after a loss in South Carolina and we were already prepared to write him a pass as a hard luck candidate, the canâ€™t miss kid who would get a shot to succeed in the future. With his mix of good looks, empowering programs and Southern charm â€“ we just knew weâ€™d see that guy in the future.
No one would have guessed it would be in a federal court for a set of charges that were so tacitly sleazy that it made Bill Clintonâ€™s romp with Monica Lewinsky look like childish indiscretion.
Going to leaps and bounds above the likes of political wannabes like Gary Hart, John Edwards managed to fool his constituency and almost everybody in an attempt to feed his insatiable thirst for power, money and recognition.
As it turns out, this Douche Bag was willing to throw away the presidency and/or vice presidency and everything for a little bit of touch.
Sometime during 2006 he began banging his videographer, Reille Hunter, who he later knocked up. It wouldnâ€™t be so bad, but Edwards, the squeaky clean Senator, did this all while his wife was dying of cancer.
In fact, Edwards thought he was sooooo slick that he could bang his mistress, knock her up, ditch his dying wife and still get elected President.Â What a winner huh?Â Um, NOT!!!
For Sen. Edwards represents the worst kind of Douche Bag.Â One so douchey that he actually believes he can do anything and none of the rules would apply. Â He has proven to be that sneaky guy who could be banging your wife while playing golf with you every week â€“ a real sociopath.
What makes Edwards so unbelievably douche-worthy is his ability to pull such a stunt in light of running for the highest profile office in the middle of a Neo-con revolution. It is this willingness to casually toss away all that was at stake like some soiled condom that makes him not just our Douche Bag winner for May 2012, but one of the douchiest douche bags ever.
As the story goes, Edwards, who vied for the Democratic nomination for US President in 2008 against then Senator Obama and the former First Lady, knowingly and willingly accepted about a mill from two wealthy donors in the pursuit of hiding the pregnancy of his Hunter, from the American public and his terminally ill wife.
The federal charges allege Edwards concealed the donations by filing false campaign disclosure reports.
Things started going south for Edwards in 2006 when the alleged affair with Hunter began. Â As the affair endured, our candidate of course left his soldier unprotected and asked one of his closest aides, Andrew Young, to be a contestant in that new game show: â€œHide My Pregnant Mistress.â€
In his tell all book â€œThe Candidateâ€ â€“ Young said he and the pregnant Hunter went on a whirlwind tour and from the sounds of it â€“ this six month spin in 2007 could have been a dope showcase gift, if the game show were hosted by a wealthy, douchey presidential candidate.
Tell them what theyâ€™ve wonâ€¦
Please read this with Don Pardoâ€™s voice in your headâ€¦
Young and baby momma â€“ your â€œprize packageâ€ begins with a ride on a private jet and a stay at a swanky $8,000-a-week resort, suitable for all of the pampering you deserve.
With daily hush money being provided by wealthy donors, your next destination will be the wonderful Aspen, Colorado vacation home of Edwards supporter, Fred Baron, where you can hit the slopes and by all means hide that baby bump.
A luxury hotel valued at $10,000-a-week and then back to Aspen for more fun!
Your final destination in this big prize package â€“ thatâ€™s right â€“ sunny Santa Barbara, California, where Young and his family get to hide that concubine in a lovely $20,000-a-month home â€“ just perfect for a secret bundle of joy.
But the fun didnâ€™t end there. Edward trumped his special game of hide and seek in December of 2007 when he asked Young to claim paternity of his love child.
When the Youngâ€™s tired of playing hide the ho, Baron allegedly sent more hush money in the hundreds of thousands to the developers of Youngâ€™s unfinished home in North Carolina as a gift and an order to have he and his family get to steppin!
In his book, Young also stated that about $6 million of hush money from banking heiress Bunny Mellon would be used to not only further the vanishing career of Edwards, but to also finance the long-term care of the bastard child. Â It would also provide Young with a cushy spot running Edwardâ€™s planned anti-poverty foundation. After Edwardâ€™s campaign ended in January 2008 â€“ the planned job and foundation never came to fruition.
But just a month later, Hunter gave birth to Frances Quinn, a bouncing baby girl!
Edwards of course vehemently denied the child was his, and as planned, said she was instead Youngâ€™s kid.
Later, his wife, Elizabeth separated from the former Senator after he admitted to the affair. It wasnâ€™t until months later that he admitted to fathering his daughter, Frances.
Things remained pretty quiet until Young penned the book and came out about it on national television in 2010. In December of that year, Elizabeth Edwards sadly lost her battle to cancer,
So how do I deem John Boy a douche?
After all he lost his wife, the election and his footing with the public.
My equation-o-douche bag usually involves calculating the impact of oneâ€™s ability to improve the â€œworldâ€ â€“ add in an equal amounts of power and potential â€“ then cap it off with a dose of knowledge and the willingness to do the wrong thing â€“ then a dash of â€œI think I can get away with itâ€ and shake!
Tah dah! â€“ one douchebag!
Evidently, I wasnâ€™t alone.
About a year ago former US Attorney for the Eastern District of North Carolina, George Holding, a Republican candidate for Congress, initiated an investigation more than three years prior into whether Edwards had used money from two supporters to hide his mistress during his presidential run in 2008.
When a plea deal failed from the Edwards camp, the government had to choose between turning the case over to the Federal Election Commission (FEC) or proceeding with criminal charges. The feds went for the criminal charges and hoped to dole out jail time and millions of dollars in fines.
The verdict came down on May 31, 2012 and wouldnâ€™t you know Edwards was found not guilty of the charge surrounding accepting the $200,000 after his campaign had ground to a halt. Fittingly the other five charges were deemed â€œhungâ€ by a jury of his peers. So, the dick actually got off.
Edwards gave a very un-convincing apology for his lies and deceit, and his legal team held it was a great day.
“John was a bad husband, but there is not the remotest chance that John did or intended to violate the law,” said his attorney Abbe Lowell. â€œIf what John did was a crime, we’d better build a lot more court rooms, hire a lot more prosecutors and build a lot more jails.” Â
Given the cool response from the public, it appears we arenâ€™t the only ones who believe the former golden boy deserves a nice long douche. With her book: â€œWhat Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter and Me,â€ due out in late June, Reille Hunter obviously doesnâ€™t plan to be the only one who gets f*#ked.
So, Mr. Candidate USA, you may be just an alleged felon at this point, but here at Boom Bap Radio we have another name for you; a self-centered, preening, ambitious â€“ Douche Bag!