Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The June 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
Every month we compile some of the biggest losers to flit across the media, knowing that only one can take our monthly prize as a douche bag.
While we sometimes find ourselves on the edge of our seats in search of each month’s top prize winner, every once in a while our choice is so solid and obvious that it’s barely a selection process.
It’s a rarity, because there are usually so many from which to choose.
An even bigger rarity occurs when that monthly fiend is douchey enough to immediately bring about thoughts of year’s end when we choose our annual douche bag.
Well in June of 2015 our douche may have hit the rare triple bag douche.
In June 15, 2015 Dylann Roof, 21, walked into a church in Charleston, South Carolina and made history.
For our purposes he took the whole enchilada. He is our historic 36th douche bag, which means we started this award exactly three years ago.
But this douche accomplished so much more. Outside of being a raving, racist psycho killer, Roof was hands down the June victor, due to both the setting and circumstance of his dastardly deed. He may have put himself in a position to win the Douche of the Year Award for going on a cold-blooded killing rampage in a church, of all places.
Roof’s evil set off one of the worst church massacre’s in American history when he visited the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church during a June 15, 2015 while on a secret, hateful mission. The racist douche had selected the historic church because he saw himself as some kind of lightning rod against Black progress and Civil Rights.
In Roof’s deluded mind, he was the one White guy who was going to stand up to all the Blacks who were wronging him. Roof reportedly proclaimed to church members: “I have to do it. You rape our women and you’re taking over our country.”
Too punk to go into a ghetto and pick a fight, Roof allegedly chose instead a place where no one fights.
A place where, even on a bad day, there is peace, love and understanding in abundance – a church.
Roof allegedly purchased a “four-five” with money his parents gave him for his 21st birthday and immediately dreamed of doing something reckless with the firearm, according to interviews with some of his friends.
Be it posing on a website with the Confederate flag, wearing an #88 jersey (the number is code for “Heil Hitler” for White supremacists), or just calling for a return to apartheid in countries like Zimbabwe (the former Rhodesia) and South Africa, the young Roof was obviously obsessed with racism and all of the benefits that come with devoting your daily thoughts to hate.
On that fateful day in June, Roof was said to have devoted an entire hour to sitting with Rev. Clementa Pinckney and other church members, largely with a blank look on his face. At the end of the hour, Roof decided it was time for killing and produced his firearm and began blasting.
South Carolina State Sen. Rev. Pinckney, 41; Cynthia Hurd, 47, Tywanza Sanders, 26, Ethel Lance, Susie Jackson, 87, DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Myra Thompson, 59, Daniel Simmons, Sr., 74, and 45-year-old Rev. Sharonda Coleman-Singleton all were slaughtered during Roof’s shooting spree.
In his website manifesto, Roof said he went over to the dark side after the killing of Trayvon Martin in 2012. As per his writings, Roof studied the murder by George Zimmerman and typed in the words: “Black on White crime” into a Google search engine. After the search, Roof said his life would never be the same.
Dubbed a prototypical “lone-wolf” terrorist, Roof seems to be part of trend that watches youngsters become extremists and go onto either join radical groups overseas or join with other radicals right here at home.
The high school drop-out was caught 245-miles from the crime scene after being tracked by a private citizen who recognized his car and cheap-assed bowl cut from the news. Authorities arrested Roof without incident in Shelby, North Carolina the next morning.
Police officers said Roof was very respectful during his stop and was later treated to a nourishing lunch by his arresting officers. They later hauled his sorry ass off to the local lock-up.
The Real Boys in Da Hood
As the White, Conservative community in South Carolina tried to come to grips with the reality it had created, those who still hold true to the principles of the Ol’ South finally came out from behind their white, hooded robes and spoke.
The Sons of the Confederate Veterans rejected the murderous act of Roof, but also rejected any connection between the rebel banner and the murders at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal and White supremacy or hate.
National Rifle Association board member Charles Cotton, an absolute douche bag, was one of the first to finally show us who he really had been all of this time.
Cotton, blamed the church’s pastor, slain State Sen. Rev. Clementa Pinckney, for his own death and that of his flock.
Cotton said on a Texas NRA site that Pinckney’s opposition to looser concealed carry laws caused other church members to not be armed and therefore he led to his own death and that of his fellow church members.
Cotton wrote: “Innocent people died people because of his position on a political issue.”
His punk ass, later removed the comments after it caught the eye of the national media.
But the worst comment came from South Carolina representative William Chumley, who blamed the victims for being shot by Roof.
“These people sat in there and waited their turn to be shot and that’s sad,” said Chumley. “When someone in there with a means of self-defense could have stopped this and we would have less funerals today.”
He also said the state should not allow hate groups to dictate change and the misuse of the Confederate flag. Chumley also wondered why the dead parishioners did not do more to stop “one skinny person with a gun,” especially when Roof stopped to reload.
Repulsive and coated by years of racism and hate, Chumley’s ignorant statements served as a backdrop to the passive racism that has too often defined the former Confederacy. Chumley later said he regretted his words.
While racists stewed over the possibility of the murders being tied to their beloved symbol of rebellion, others reflected on the killings with a deluded eye that seemed to fight the possibility of it being an act of racism, because it may mean they’ve been big upping legions of folks who actually hate them and everyone who looks like them.
A good ol’ fashioned Uncle Tom like Alan Keyes, tied the murders to hate crimes by homosexuals and not racism. He said Roof could have focused on any Black affiliated symbol, but may have chosen the historic church because it was directed at God and Christians. Keyes’ hypothesis would of course suggest that not only was Roof a racist, but also homosexual.
Roof’s good friend Christon Scriven, who is Black, said Roof was never a racist around him. Although Scriven said Roof, “did everything he said he was going to do,” he doesn’t feel any different than he did before the murders. Scriven holds that his buddy is not a racist.
I guess Scriven was one of the “better blacks?”
Less than a week after the murders, U.S. Sen Lindsey Graham, described the Confederate flag as part of who South Carolinians are.
“It works here, that’s what the statehouse agreed to do,” said Graham to CNN. “You could probably visit other places in the country near some symbols that doesn’t quite strike you right.”
On the media side, Steven Doocy from Fox and Friends, just moments after the arrest of Roof, questioned why anyone would believe a man who posted hateful rhetoric and posed with the Confederate battle flag would be a racists set on shooting Blacks.
Doocy hooked up with guest commentator Rev. E. W. Jackson of the Call Church in Virginia, a future Tom Tom Club member, to co-sign his douchiness.
“Don’t jump to conclusions,” said Rev. Jackson. “There is a rising hostility against Christians in this country. Churches should prepare to defend themselves.”
Doocy soon chimed in in all of his ignorant glory. Questioning the possibility of Roof’s shooting being a hate crime.
“So it’s a White guy in a Black church. Well it was a church, so maybe that’s what it’s about,” said the doofy Doocy with wide eyes. “Nobody’s explained it to us.”
Well, we’re trying to do that “Mr. Doocy McDouche Bag!”
Things Fall Apart
Once Roof was in custody, what had been a longtime dialogue about the connection between the Confederate flag and hate became fair game in the ongoing war against racism.
The commentary which had disconnected the flag from its racist roots, began to soften and change after nine were killed while worshipping in South Carolina.
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, who fought connecting the flag to racism her entire career, all of a sudden was calling for its removal from the pole outside the statehouse.
Even Graham, who had never backed removing the flag, said he was open to revisiting its removal.
While Conservatives, from 2008 and 2012 GOP Presidential candidates U.S. Sen. John McCain and Mitt Romney to current GOP candidate for the nomination Jeb Bush, all called for removal of the divisive banner.
Tools like GOP Presidential hopefuls like Rick Santorum and Marco Rubio took the punk way out and completely missed the point. The two conservative douche bags framed the debate over the Confederate flag around outside influences dictating state rights.
President Obama put an asterix on the forced climate change by delivering the eulogy at the funeral of for his friend, state Sen. Pinckney and singing his rendition of Christian gospel song “Amazing Grace “at the church days later.
The President was later criticized by his Conservative critics for somehow tying the killings to other such gun related murders, which largely seem to only take place in “the land of the free and home of the brave.”
“At some point, we as a country will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries,” the President said during the June 26 funeral service at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. “And it is in our power to do something about it. I say that, recognizing that politics in this town forecloses a lot of those avenues right now.”
A political compromise allowed liberals to move the flag across from the statehouse in 2000, against the wishes of their more conservative contemporaries.
Before the shooting, a Winthrop University polls showed that 73 percent of South Carolinians were in favor of the flag remaining upon its protective perch across from the capitol.
A CNN poll showed 57 percent of Americans saw the Confederate flag as a symbol of Southern pride. Seventy-two percent of African-Americans polled were in favor of removing the flag and saw it as a symbol of hate.
Ironically, as Dylann Roof believed he was on a greater mission for evil, a heroine emerged out of this mess by the name of Bree Newsome, who embarked upon her own special mission.
Unencumbered by politics, action was finally taken against the Confederate flag by a community activist in South Carolina, something Liberal legislators had tried to do there since it was unfurled 1861.
Newsome literally took matters into her own hands when she scaled the pole across from the South Carolina statehouse and ripped down that rebel flag.
Proclaiming “This flag comes down today,” Newsome turned the tragedy into triumph and along with her fellow rebel, James Tyson allowed police to also arrest them without incident.
I wonder if they were treated to a nutritious meal?
For all of his destruction, Roof can thank himself for finally getting that wretched flag removed from public sight and for helping those he hates win a battle they’ve been waging for more than 150-years when South Carolina was the first to secede the Union.
So pick out a good cell, because you’ll never have to worry about being homeless or segregating yourself from Black people again, you’ll be the neighbor of many for the rest of your natural life.
Oh look, I can see his future. I hope he likes rubbing out boo-boo skidmarks.
In the end, Dylann Roof, sure you’re a backwater, redneck, and I mean that in a flattering way, but you’re also the Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag winner for the month of June 2015!
Help yourself to our full line of feminine cleansing products and spritz, oh please do spritz, you’re going to be a popular man for so very long. We know you can’t pick up your prize in person, but just know we know, you’ll be remembered by us for being a douche bag of historic proportions.
So enjoy this prize, you hateful, murderous, evil – Douche!