Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
Â The Man/Boy Douche Situation
Here at Boom Bap Radio we work hard to frame our monthly award of douchiness: â€œThe Douchey McDouche Bag Award.â€
Where some months we struggle and pull out our hair in pursuit of our Douche, November 2011 was a no-frigginâ€™-brainer!
As the month began we learned of the lurid details of a scandal at Penn State University that had all the revolting elements that can shake anyone to their core.
Start with a former coach, Jerry Sandusky, and the home of the most consistent winning collegiate football program in the last 50 years, add in a dash of intrigue, like a disappearing District Attorney and a healthy dose of naked showers, rhythmic slapping, towel snapping and young, pre-pubescent boys and youâ€™ve got all the elements necessary for creepiness, nastiness and yes, a good, long douche!
Sandusky, the former defensive coordinator at Linebacker U, also was known in Pennsy for his work with the Second Mile, a non-profit organization dedicated to abused and underprivileged children.
The 67-year-old Sandusky was arrested by authorities after being charged with child molestation in a 40 count indictment from the Pennsylvania grand jury that alleged that he abused eight young boys. The charges stemmed from incidents that allegedly occurred when one of the victims was 12 in 2005, but seem to go back to the 1970â€™s.
Sandusky allegedly met the youth through his non-profit and is alleged to have forced him to perform oral sex at least once in the finished basement bedroom in the coachâ€™s home.
As the grand jury revealed its findings, additional allegations have also come to light involving Sanduskyâ€™s time at Central Mountain High School. A woman, known to the court as â€œMother One,â€ also alleged that Sandusky routinely abused her son, who was taken off school grounds without permission.
Sandusky also refused to stop seeing her son, despite pleas from the mother.
Questions about Sandusky surfaced almost two decades ago, but were quashed by then Pennsylvania District Attorney Ray Gricar. Months later he disappeared, never to be seen again.
However, former Penn State Coach Mike McQueary said, in the 90â€™s, he reported an incident in the University showers after following the sound of â€œrhythmic slapping,â€ and finding Sandusky allegedly having explicit sex with a young boy. McQueary said he stopped the abuse, told head Coach Joe Paterno and nothing was done.
Sandusky was arrested in early November and later released on $100,000 bail.
The scandal cost legendary Head Coach Joe Paterno his job, despite being college footballâ€™s all-time winningest coach. It cost Penn State President Graham Spanier his job too. In addition, Athletic Director Tim Curley and the schoolâ€™s Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz, were each charged with one count of felony perjury and one count of failure to report abuse allegations â€“ what a mess!
And as for nasty Jerry, â€œthe over grown kid,â€ he has denied every count and every charge, writing them off as mere â€œhorse play.â€ Although he admitted to showering with children, snapping towels with them, hugging them in the shower and touching their legs, this alleged perv said that his behavior was explainable and part of his â€œextended fatherhood,â€ to the youngsters â€“ yeah he said extended.
In fact, during a now famous interview with WNBCâ€™s Bob Costas, Sandusky pondered whether he actually was attracted to young boys in what was a pause seemingly heard around the world.
â€œAm I sexually attracted to underage boys?â€ Sandusky asked rhetorically. â€œSexually attracted? You know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no, Iâ€™m not attracted to young boys.â€ He went on to say he was attracted to â€œall children,â€ but not in a sexual way â€“ Eeew!
You would think, with all of that nastiness, our monthly prize would be easy to award? But, no, November 2011 was evidently Man/Boy Love Your Collegiate Coach Awareness Month and no one informed us.
Before we could gobble down our last mouthful of turkey, we learned of disturbing accusations involving Syracuse Universityâ€™s Menâ€™s Basketball team and its now former assistant coach Bernie Fine.
Fine, 65, was fired right after the holiday when a former ball boy said he was molested by the coach in 2002. But no, no Coach Fine, it was just too early in your investigation for you to win in November.
However, in the case of Coach Sandusky and his twisted version of â€œJerryâ€™s Kids,â€ as evidence continues to mount and as our collective stomachs turn, all we here at Boom Bap can say is: â€œPU â€“ this really stinks!â€
Yo coach, itâ€™s not alright for you and your dorkel hose to be naked around youngsters and as for using your non-profit as a dating service? If these allegations are founded, youâ€™ll win a lot more than a prize from our humble radio show. Thatâ€™ll get you a full dance card in the pokey and a nice warm seat in Hades.
In short, donâ€™t just apologize for taking showers with kids, Jerry and donâ€™t pause when people ask you whether you are attracted to young boys. Just walk into traffic or something â€“ you disgusting, inappropriate, manipulative, evil â€“ Douche!