The Better Blacks

All of this malarkey started in early November 2011 when women began speaking out against GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain and accusing the former CEO of sexual harassment almost a decade ago. Currently, four women have come forth with accusations against Black Walnut. However, Cain said they’re lying and the GOP media machine supports the frontrunner.

With her hulking Adam’s apple undulating, right-wing nut job Ann Coulter blamed it on whom else? The Liberals!

She was quoted while on her buddy Sean Hannity’s show as saying:

“Our blacks are so much better than their blacks,” she said, speaking of Democrats. “To become a Black Republican, you don’t just roll into it. You’re not going with the flow…and that’s why we have very impressive blacks in the Republican Party.”

So faster than you can say, “Uncle Tom,” we present our list of “Better Blacks!” We can rebuild them; we have the technology. We can make them bigger, stronger, faster, and better than YOUR Blacks.  This is the Boom Bap Radio list of GOP selected, Ann Coulter protected …Negroes – they know their place, so maybe that’s why they’re “the Good Ones” and you ain’t!


1.        Herman Cain  

The former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and head of the National Restaurant Association, Cain burst onto the scene by running for President in 2000 and Congress in 2004. He is currently leading the GOP field and vying for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012. Backed by ultra-right-winged oil barons, the Koch Brothers, Cain said all Blacks are brainwashed into voting for Democrats and President Obama. He also does not believe that racism exists in America, except when he’s questioned about numerous alleged sexual encounters/assaults with female subordinates.


2.       Condoleezza Rice 

An academic, who has been openly criticized by the likes of GOP stalwarts like former Veep Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice may be the best of all of the Besties. Born in the Mid 50’s in Alabama, Rice was the first African-American to become provost at prestigious Stanford University. First a Dem, Condi changed her stripes after disagreeing with the policies of President Jimmy Carter. By the Mid 80’s, she spent time in DC as a fellow tied to the Joint Chiefs of Staff during the tenure of President Ronald Reagan. Rice was an assistant to President George H. W. Bush and was appointed National Security Adviser to W. in 2001. Following the resignation of Gen. Colin Powell, she became the first African-American woman to serve as Secretary of State in 2004. This Queen of all Besties was crushed on by Moamar Gadhafi and despite experiencing the segregated South, Rice was the face for the George W. Bush years. She still openly supports the invasion of Iraq in 2003, despite the lack of those pesky Weapons of Mass Destruction. Still a “good soldier” for the GOP, Condi was later accused of misleading President W. Bush on nuclear diplomacy in North Korea by Cheney, who also called her naïve. She softly defended her stance and smartly went on news programs to refute claims by her former colleagues. All the way, the enigmatic Rice continues to play piano on late night TV, but has never whispered a discouraging word about her former colleagues or the GOP cause – she’s definitely one of the good ones.


3.      US Justice Clarence Thomas 

The crafter of the term: “high-tech lynching,” the US Supreme Court Justice first hit our radar screen during Congressional hearings in 1991. He coined the term for a media-based television inquiry after Congress grilled the former Reagan cabinet member on Capitol Hill. Questioned at that time regarding whether he made inappropriate advances to Aide Anita Hill, Thomas later would become a US Supreme Court Justice. Conceptually thought to be a conservative predecessor to the outspoken Civil Rights Champion Thurgood Marshall, Thomas has remained relatively quiet during his tenure on the nation’s High Court. However, he has relentlessly fought the fight against liberal causes ranging from abortion to reversing the desegregation of schools.


4.         Michael Steele 

The former lieutenant Governor of Maryland, Steele became the first Black chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC) just months after President Obama was elected to office. Seen as an anti-Obama, Steele lost his mutha-f’ing mind and proclaimed himself as “the de facto leader of the Republican Party,” before he was roundly slapped back into place by Radio Talk Show host Rush Limbaugh – the de facto leader of the Republican Party. Steele quickly apologized and in 2011 he lost his re-election bid for the chairmanship and was swiftly wished to the back of the bus.


5.       Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC) 

Elected last year, Scott is one of two Black Republicans to be voted into the US House of Representatives as part of the Tea Party Movement.  He is also the first Black to represent his South Carolina district in Congress since the Reconstruction.  Scott gained distinction as the member of Congress who threatened to impeach President Obama for trying to raise the debt ceiling by using the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. Scott also openly rejected joining the Congressional Black Caucus stating his campaign “was never about race.” – Huh?


6.        Rep. Allen West – (R-Fla.)   

Florida’s first Black GOP Congressman in his district since the 1870’s, West represents a district that is less than 5 percent African-American and has called The President, “the dumbest person walking around right now.” Another Tea Party Movement candidate, he believes Emergency rooms should be able to turn away illegal immigrants and sees partial birth abortions as nothing short of an abomination.


7.       JC Watts 

The former Representative from Oklahoma served as the only Black Republican in Congress until he retired in 2003. While the greasy, Jheri Curl of his youth and scrambling QB style while at OU made you feel he was a totally down brotha , he waited until his 30’s to show his true colors and it wasn’t Black. A true leader, Watts said “some Black leaders are race-hustling poverty pimps for keeping African-Americans on government aid.”


8.           Alan Keys 

Keyes is a Harvard educated former diplomat in the Reagan administration and radio host. This Bestie has tried to get in and fit in for almost 25 years on the conservative side. A Birther in his most recent manifestation, Keyes ran for President in 1996, 2000 and 2008. He was a nominee for the US Senate on the GOP side in 1988, 1992 and 2004. However, his ties to the Reagan administration make him one of the original Better Blacks. He was ambassador to the Economic and Social Council of the UN and was Reagan’s Assistant Secretary of State for International Organization Affairs. Defeated in Illinois by President Obama, who was then Senator Obama in 2004, this hater became a bitter Birther and led the way for questioning whether the President was a US citizen. The controversy, which was not vanquished until the Spring of 2011, fueled a Conservative movement.


9.         Amy Holmes 

Born in 1973 to a Zambian father and White mother, Holmes is a news anchor for Right-wing nut job Glenn Beck’s GBTV. The Seattle native began her career writing Senate floor statements for the likes of former GOP Majority Leader Sen. Bill Frist of Tennessee. She once openly mis-quoted President Obama as thinking he could heal the planet and part the seas in what she inaccurately called his “Moses Speech,” and later accused the President of having a Messiah Complex.


10.        James T. Harris 

Because most of us are not from the Mid-West and have never awakened in Milwaukee, James T. Harris is host of The National Conversation with James T. Harris heard on WTMJ/Milwaukee and can be heard on Saturdays and Sundays. However, you may know him from when he captured national attention during President Barack Obama’s 2008 run for the White House. Yep, Harris was that Black guy who begged GOP Challenger Sen. John McCain to stop Obama – “Please…”


11.          Larry Elder 

A radio host and author of “Stupid Black Men: How to Play the Race Card – and Lose,” Elder can be heard on weekdays in LA. The former lawyer from Cleveland and Libertarian, Elder openly describes himself as a “Republitarian.” Don’t look now – he’s wearing a Ronald Reagan t-shirt.


12.       Star Parker 

A former teenaged, welfare mom, Parker has found Christ and the GOP after admitting to shoplifting and having four abortions. Also endorsed by the Tea Party Movement, Parker is a syndicated columnist who also penned such self-exploitative classics as her autobiography, “Pimps, Whores and Welfare Brats: From Welfare Cheat to Conservative Messenger,” and her unforgettable: “Uncle Sam’s Plantation: “How Big Government Enslaves America’s Poor and What We Can Do About It.” Parker’s television highlight came four years ago on The View where she explained the Republican hatred of gay people, why she’s anti-Choice, why evolution is a sham and why she’s suddenly against the use of contraceptives – perfect!


13.  Ronald Christie

This native of Palo Alto, Ca. began work at the White House in 2001 as a deputy assistant for the Dark Sith, Vice President Dick Cheney. A year later he joined the cabinet of President George W. Bush as his special assistant and he liked Ronnie so much he named him to lead an American delegation of the international conference on volunteerism in London. After leaving the Bush Administration in 2008, Christie became an adjunct professor, authored two books, and worked as a columnist. However, Christie’s bestest Best Black work came when he publicly stated that he was concerned about the leadership of the Republican National Committee (RNC) under fellow list mate Michael Steele, of course proving that ALL Blacks do that crab in a barrel thing and hate – even the best of the best.


14.         Armstrong Williams 

A poltical commentator who writes a nationally syndicated TV program called the “Right Side,” Williams is a proud third generation Republican who worked for blatant racist and candidate for the Segregationist States Rights Democratic Party, the late US Senator Strom Thurmond. Armstrong later defined sell-out when he openly accepted $240,000 from the GOP to promote “No Child Left Behind,” on his show and urged other Black journalists to do the same.


15.         Uncle Ruckus (Character on The Boondocks) 

With such a ridiculous list of characters it wouldn’t be right to leave this cartoon Bestie off of a list of which he is clearly a caricature. Author of great songs like:  “Don’t Trust Those New Niggas Over There,” Ruckus openly proclaims his love for the “White Man,” hates Black folks and being Black.

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Masta Talka

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