The Candyland Plantation in Django
It’s been a long time, but before we all close out another successful Black History Month celebration we have to shout out those who are all too happy to see it end.
We’re talking about those folks who we last checked during the last presidential election cycle. That was so long ago that seemingly transgendered pol, Ann Coulter fixed her huge Adam’s apple to call them: “the better blacks” and Allen West was gainfully employed as a member of Congress, but I digress.
We have found the need to assemble the second class of those bootlicking, massa loving turn coats we earnestly call “Toms.”
Yeah, I know, as a Conservative brother once said of our Tom-Foolery feature: “Everyone should advocate for people having their personal convictions without being subject to ad hominem attacks.” He went on to describe our commentary as: antiquated, callow and non-productive.”
I guess I’m supposed to be offended, but I’m not. You Conservative Blacks are truly the wind beneath my wings. I think I just shot some milk out of my nose.
Oh ‘Twan, lighten up!
You would think the abolishment of slavery, the creation of the Civil Rights Act and the election of a Black man as President would be enough for these sell-outs, but not so much.
So to be clear we aren’t summarily jumping on these clowns. They have a body of work that suggests they are either happy to be shining shoes and disrespecting their own kind or they are just tragically confused.
No one would expect you to walk in lock-step with the liberal minded folks who have long fought for the poor, but at least follow the lead of your former party member Colin Powell and celebrate the milestone reached by the current President while espousing your Conservative ideologies.
In short, when you openly diss a historic chief-of-state who looks like you without question and the only amen you get is from your friends on Fox News – you’re probably a Tom.
Some of the names have changed, but the revolting behavior that makes you wanna say: “this nigga…” continued for our semi-annual round-up of boot-licking, yessir, massa, darkies, who were too bougie to trek to the crossroads. Nope, this brood decided to openly sell their souls for the almighty dollar and a chance to have their nappy heads rubbed by the man – friggin’ foot warmers.
So sit back and enjoy our countdown of happy porch monkeys who put the “H” in House Negro and the “T” in Tom. They’re too black to pass, but sooo would if they could.
Yeah, we know, “Obama’s the worst U.S. President ever.”
So, what you gonna do when you get out of jail?
Hopefully not call these fools – because they will not be answering your collect call.
These ain’t your Uncle Ruckus’ racial malapropists – it’s the Boom Bap Radio’s Tom Tom Club for 2015 – Happy Black History Month.
- – Ben Carson – Dark Horse Candidate – With established candidates iike Jeb Bush, Rand Paul; Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie in the mix, the question may be just where does a guy like Ben Carson fit into the GOP’s crowded field? The answer, probably in the back of it or at least near the cotton. Speaking of fields and picking, Carson is currently polled at No. 2 in the “field.” Dr. Ben certainly knows his place and is always super critical of our current President, but not so much of others. They’ll surely find a use for him, they most likely will need someone to sweep up the mess they’ve created.
- – Stacey Dash – Clueless Comfort Girl- When Stacey went from a supporter of Barack Obama to a hater in just four years, we searched for names to call the gorgeous actress. But when Dash started giving out back shots for Romney and joined up with ultra conservative crew at Fox News, our search had ended. This comfort girl began “tomming” so hard that it looked like she was playing some kind of sick role. First she was upset about healthcare, accused the Democrats of creating a slave mentality by serving the needy, called the needy freeloaders and said Black people are mostly uneducated. Hey it’s not like she called rape victims “naughty girls.” Oh, she did? Well at least she gets to sleep at the foot of the master’s bed in the big house.
- – Kiron Skinner – The Gipper – Born in Chicago, Skinner grew up in Cali and studied at Sacramento City College. She went onto Spellman College then it’s onto Harvard for her graduate degrees and tutaledge under fellow Tom Tom Club member Condi Rice. She served as a foreign policy surrogate for the W’s Presidential re-election campaign in 2004. In 2010, she was appointed to the advisory board of the George W. Bush Oral History Project and was a senior foreign policy adviser to Speaker Newt Gingrich during his presidential primary campaign from 2011 to 2012. Later our belly warmer jumped onto the Mitt Romney’s Election campaign. Skinner is also a writer who can’t suppress her love for Republican men. She penned two books on that champion of the Black man Ronald Reagan, which made her a natural for our list of sellouts.
- – Derrick Grayson – the Wannabe – Last year prior to the 2014 Mid-term elections, Georgia GOP candidate for Senate was “hopeful.” Hopeful that he would be able to fill the seat of retiring Saxby Chambliss, hopeful people would remember him in a crowded field and hopeful that cozying up to a racist would bring him some votes from the far right fringe of the Republican Party. Surrounded by jack-booted militia member and white extremists, at the Bundy ranch, which became a symbol of resistance against paying U.S. taxes, Grayson even donned a cowboy hat to meet with Cliven Bundy. a racist from which even Fox News distanced itself. Grayson went on to lose but we’ll always have Nevada and they’ll always have this Tom.
- – Allen West – The Hata – When this former Congress man lost his seat in Florida, he’d already bought the Congressional Black Caucus fried chicken and called the POTUS, “the dumbest person walking around.” However, because Tommin’ ain’t easy, the former member of the military has continued to show his owners how many boots he can lick. Just this week on his blog he spoke of not attending CPAC and was too mealy mouthed to pick a candidate. He said today we have (Neville) Chamberlain and he wants (Winston) Churchill or Margaret Thatcher. Umm – Tom? We broke from England in 1776. Maybe Jeb Bush can hire him on as a butler.
- – Clarence Thomas – HNIC – The crafter of the term: “high-tech lynching,” the US Supreme Court Justice first hit our radar screen during Congressional hearings in 1991. He coined the term for a media-based television inquiry after Congress grilled the former Reagan cabinet member on Capitol Hill. Questioned at that time regarding whether he made inappropriate advances to Aide Anita Hill, Thomas later would become a US Supreme Court Justice. Conceptually thought to be a conservative predecessor to the outspoken Civil Rights Champion Thurgood Marshall, Thomas has remained relatively quiet during his tenure on the nation’s High Court. However, he has relentlessly fought the fight against liberal causes ranging from abortion to reversing the desegregation of schools.
- -Tim Scott – Ol’ Reliable – Scott made history in 2014 when he swept to victory and became the first African-American to serve in the U.S. Senate from South Carolina. Scott had served in the House of Representatives from 2011 – 2013 and was one of the most outspoken critics of President Obama. He was actually appointed to the Senate by GOP darling Nikki Haley in 2012 and has continued to show the GOP that he is a good boy. Carrying the GOP mantras, Scott was also the first Black to represent his South Carolina district in Congress. He gained distinction as the member of Congress who threatened to impeach President Obama for trying to raise the debt ceiling by using the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. Scott also openly rejected joining the Congressional Black Caucus.
- – David Webb – The Puppet – Webb is a conservative talk radio host on on Sirus XM radio. Webb appears on the pay radio station along with Conservative blowhards like Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Cam & Company from NRANews.com. The Tea Party mouth piece criticized Rev. Al Sharpton for protesting against the murder of Michael Brown and says the Liberal mindset of Civil Rights organizations like the NAACP and The National Urban League is a career pursuit and not a calling to help the needy. Rumor has it he also gives a mean spit shine. Webb, who sees himself as more Conservative activist than Black, once told a website that he’ll suffer the slings and arrows that would be reserved for whites who say the kookie thing he says. “I recognize the reality: I’m Black,” Webb told POLITICO. “OK, there’s the reality. But I’m not doing this from the lens of being Black.” Umm, we know, bro. We know.
- -Deneen Borelli – Blacklashed – An author and Fox News pundit – Borelli penned the 2012 book: “Blacklash.” She is also President of Conservative Review, Outreach Director with FreedomWorks. The “nappy headed” conservative even appeared on the Don Imus radio show in 2012. She and her husband Dr. Tom Borelli were denied a booth at the 104th meeting of the NAACP in 2013 and believe liberals enslave Blacks to be beholden to the government and sees the Affordable Care Act as proof of the new slavery. At time of print, there were more than 11 million slaves who are currently receiving affordable healthcare.
- -V. Stiviano – Half Like Me – She helped to capsize Donald Sterling’s plantation, which included owning The Los Angeles Clippers and owning properties in impoverished neighborhoods; all while sporting a nifty, tragic mulatto like some kind of 19th Century aristocrat. When the mixed race V. questioned why she wasn’t allowed to take pictures with Black athletes on her Twitter and Instagram accounts she was slapped back into place by her, um – “owner???“ She famously asked Sterling about a picture with baseball star Matt Kemp, who she thought met Sterling parameters for acceptability, because he was: “half like me.” Hmmm, not so much niggress. Her rebellion touched off protests in the NBA and made this party girl the topic of conversation for a few weeks. After Sterling lost the Clips, she was wished back into the cotton field and never heard from again.
- -Kevin Jackson – The Race Pimp – Jackson, a Fox News pundit and author of the aforementioned book, believes that liberal leaders like Rev. Al Sharpton are “race pimps” who profit from the misfortune of the needy. In Jackson’s warped world the conditions of the impoverished is caused by Black leaders who perpetuate the poverty because it pays their bills. Author of theblacksphere.net, Jackson fights for the rights of The Man and drubs Blackie – he’s so dope!
- -Don Lemon – The Tool – Anyone who pisses off Talib Kweli and Russell Simmons and is on the wrong side of history when it comes to the events of Ferguson, Mo., just had to make our list. But questioning why the Black community would protest the shooting death of Trayvon Martin as opposed to speaking out against black on black crime crystalizes why D-Lem makes us all a little sour. Lemon went on to quote Civil Rights activists like Bill O’Reilly, for alleging the disintegration of the Black family is why there is a race problem in America. Lemon took it a step further by suggesting racism would vanish if more Blacks followed these tips: A. Pull up your pants. B. Stop using the “n-word,” and 3. Respect where you live. Evidently Lemon believes white people don’t litter so that’s why the ‘hood is so downtrodden. Dumber than a bag of rocks, but so earnest this Tom went on to further suggest that Black are not told to finish school and need to stop making children out of wedlock and listening to that Hip Hop to improve their lot. Currently employed by CNN, Lemon landed on Columbia Journalism Review’s list of worst journalist of 2014 and seems to be in dress rehearsal for the right-winged Fox News – what a tool.
- – Charles Barkley – Simple and Plain – This was tough. For years we’d heard some of Barkley’s greatest misses – he wasn’t a role model and “There is a reason they (police) racially profile us the way they do. None of those goofs made us want to call him the “T-word.” However, when Sir Charles came out on the wrong side of history and started calling protestors and rioters in Ferguson, Mo. “scumbags” we just could no longer categorize his ignorance as anything more than then words of an Uncle Tom. In a campaign to soothe the fears of whites, Barkley went on to back the Missouri grand jury for not indicting Officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of Michael Brown. Sir Chuck also does not believe white police officers are ever out to shoot black people due to racism. He said the notion of such a thing happening is “ridiculous.” I guess someone hasn’t been pulled over for a DUI in a while.
- -Condoleezza Rice – Still Drinking the Kool Aid – An academic, who has been openly criticized by the likes of GOP stalwarts like former Veep Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice may be the best of all of the Besties. Born in the Mid 50’s in Alabama, Rice was the first African-American to become provost at prestigious Stanford University. First a Dem, Condi changed her stripes after disagreeing with the policies of President Jimmy Carter. By the Mid 80’s, she spent time in DC as a fellow tied to the Joint Chiefs of Staff during the tenure of President Ronald Reagan. Rice was an assistant to President George H. W. Bush and was appointed National Security Adviser to W. in 2001. Following the resignation of Gen. Colin Powell, she became the first African-American woman to serve as Secretary of State in 2004. This Queen of all Besties was crushed on by the late Moamar Gadhafi and despite experiencing the segregated South, Rice was the face for the George W. Bush years. She still openly supports the invasion of Iraq in 2003, despite the lack of those pesky Weapons of Mass Destruction. Married to all of the conservative talking points, Condi loved “Big Oil” so much she proudly had a Chevron oil tanker named for her, for an entire month. Still a “good soldier” for the GOP, Condi was later accused of misleading President W. Bush on nuclear diplomacy in North Korea by Cheney, who also called her naïve. Dogged by her role in the Iraq War, students from Rutgers University in N.J. protested her selection as a commencement speaker in 2014 and “with sweetness” backed out. At least she made the cut at the exclusive Augusta National Golf Club. Condi’s currently the only nigress allowed to play at the venue – she’s special.
- -Ludmya “Mia” Love – The Haitian Hata – Part of the GOP’s big 2014 Fall where Democrats lost 15 seats in Congress and gave the GOP a clear majority in the U.S. Legislature, Love is the first African-American elected to Congress from Utah and she couldn’t be happier. Mayor of a predominately white community, Love is a Haitian immigrant and said she was raised to never be a burden to society and never took hand-out. She too sees national healthcare as slavery and is determined that government will not bear the responsibility to save our country. Bright and pretty, Love appears to be the future of the GOP and the type of Tom that knows she could never be called the N-word because she’s not one of those lazy, American Blacks.
- – Robert Broadus – A Real Loser – Broadus, a Tea Party member, first came on the scene as a candidate for Congress from Maryland in 2012. Always a bride’s maid and never a bride, Broadus is a quintessential loser who is not even smart enough to have his own thoughts. Broadus regurgitates whatever he was taught and whatever his GOP comrades tell him to say. Broadus believes ACA is slavery and all liberal principles are whatever his Conservative counterparts tell him it is. A shill to the end, his best showing was as a punching bag on Roland Martin’s News One Now talk show. I guess someone has to be the overseer’s snitch.
- – Dennis Rodman – Troubled Man – The Worm has always been weird. Be it wearing a wedding dress or decoratng his hair with colors ranging from fuchsia to day- glow green it’s obvious something was different about Dennis. After the NBA, Rodman spent much of his time in a bottle and on TV. Between his appearances on Celebrity Rehab, Rodman gathered an assortment of piercings, tattoos and drinking problems enroute to securing an open invitation to play for tyrant Kim Jong-un in North Korea. Drinking and presenting gifts to the dick-tator, Rodman ignored the imprisoned Americans who were being held in the Communist country and fancied himself a diplomat. In a final act of subservience, he proclaimed “Obama can’t do nothing” to the whole world and returned to the U.S. He later apologized to the country and admitted that he was a drunken fool. An addict and lonely, I don’t know if “Tom” fits Dennis, but we’ve so been wanting to call him one for years – so carpe friggin’ diem.
- -Artur Davis – The Turncoat – In 2008 Davis was an enthusiastic supporter of President Obama’s and a Democratic member of the House of Representatives from Alabama for eight years. However, after being the only Dem to vote against the Affordable Care Act, Davis launched a failing campaign for governor in ‘Bama. Speaking out against “Obama-care,” could smell what this Tom was cooking and voted against Davis. Disillusioned, Davis traded in his ghetto card for first class ticket to Virginia and Grand ‘Ol Party. Not content with just changing sides of the aisle, Davis began a new life in black face. He began dissing his former ally, said his backing of Obama was a mistake and showed up with the mandatory outdated haircut at the 2012 RNC. He said he finally felt like he was where he belonged. Yep he knew his place.
- – Marc Little – The Prodigal Republican – Happily Conservative and Republican, Marc Little from Connecticut is the son of football great Floyd Little. Enslaved in liberal ideals for his life, it was his enrollment at USC that changed his stripes. By the 1990 he found himself gaining an education in something he claims he never knew existed: “Conservative political ideals.” Yeah, just can’t beat the USC education – huh? After his enlightenment, this Tom worked two jobs after losing his leg and refusing workman’s compensation – because it wasn’t fair for him to get public money. After becoming an attorney and eager to please he wrote “the Prodigal Republican” and arrived in 2008 when President Obama ran for office. After seeing Obama’s rise he said all he wanted to do was more for GOP challenger John McCain and Sarah Palin – so he wrote them checks and has been feeling the pat on top of his bald head from Conservatives ever since.
- – Stephen – Samuel L’s character from Django Unchained – Only Samuel L. Jackson could play a yessir massa ninja like “Stephen” and have everyone laughing in their anger. Stephen, who seemed to kind of run the fictious Candyland Plantation, was like Uncle Ruckus on steroids. He was really mad to see Django, because he really seemed to believe he was the special nigga and therefore had to show massa he too had no use for darkies. His best line was when Django rode up with the other white men on a horse: “I can’t believe you brought a nigger to stay in the Big House!” That indignation really was taken up a notch when he realized he had to “take lip” off that Nigger. In the end, Stephen went down with the ship like he was taught to and sobbed when Miss Lara got blown out the frame. He was the Tom’s Tom and deserved to be knee-capped. In the words of Django: “Black folks try to get away from the white folks, but not you Stephen – you’re right where you belong.”