Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow the award of “The Douchey McDouche Bag” award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes – there’s room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse – over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later –while walking to the other end of the store I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin’ lot –Douche Bag!! Hey dickwad - this award goes out to you – You Douche!!!
The July 2015 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
July 2015 was a slow month for douchiness as it turned out.
Unlike the month before, which featured a historically douchey mcdouche who shot up a house of worship and killed nine parishioners, July’s murders were almost pedestrian by American standards.
Ho hum, it is the vacation season after all.
However, for what the July murders lacked in media attention, they made up for in hate.
Both shootings, although openly haphazard in their application, were both carried out by two haters who somehow woke up and decided to kill for jihad and white supremacy respectfully.
For that reason, and the fact that in America a mass shooting occurs every day, we thought that our award seemed the only fitting tribute to their douchiness, even though it is mundane and just another news item among the fruited plains.
And so it goes in The U.S. of A., where guns are abundant and easier to acquire than any place on Earth, but no one can quite figure out why we top the world in murders and shootings.
Gee, I don’t know, it is kind of a head scratcher, but crowning our July douches was not.
Yeah, yeah, we know, gun control is for pussies.
So sign your National Rifle Association membership card and bop on down to Wal-Mart to pick up your piece, it’s the July 2015 Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
These awards come just days after we shot off fireworks all across this great land, some from parts of their bodies like the 4th is some kind of deadly competition for the stupid.
Along with the traditional pageantry from fireworks displays produced by professionals, came the fireworks from the angry, hateful folks, who got to work trying to secure our top prize. Because everything is over the top in July, extremists trotted out their radical beliefs and began killing as many unarmed people as they could as some kind of twisted cry for help.
Terrorize Your Land Like Troops in Pakistan
Our first douche bag descended upon a military recruitment center in Chattanooga, Tennessee to display his anger, hate, or extremism.
Identified as Mohammad Yusef Abdulazeez, we’ll luckily never know specifically what truly drove his rampage, which killed five and wounded two, because he went down in a hail of lead after authorities caught up with his ass.
The 24-year-old, engineering graduate of the University of Tennessee and Kuwaiti born American, began his day on that fatal Thursday by renting a car and then performed a drive-by on a recruitment center while wheeling through a strip mall.
During his spree in the morning of July 16, Abdulazeez wounded one recruiter, but fortunately missed fatally wounding most of his intended targets. However, in a trademark douche move, Abdulazeez drove about another 7 miles to a Navy Operational Support Center to continue his harangue, with Chattanooga P.D. in pursuit.
Once on the site, Abdulazeez rammed his silver rent-a-car into the facility gates, entered the Naval Operational Support Center wearing a weapons vest and carrying an AK-47 assault rifle and handgun at the time of the spree. Don’t worry, he was armed to the teeth, his shotty was left in his car.
Federal authorities stated Abdulazeez first fired at the main building before entering the facility and chasing sailors and Marines through the hallways. He then shot two of those he chased, fatally wounding Randall Smith, 26, before exiting the building.When Douche Mcdouche exited the facility he was greeted by gunshots from Marines who were within a fenced motor pool. He shot and killed a total of four Marines in the motor pool, while others escaped.
The dead included: Staff Sgt. David Wyatt, Sgt. Carson Holmquist, Gunnery Sgt. Thomas Sullivan and Lance Cpl. Squire Wells.
Authorities said the gunman attempted to re-enter the building, before being cut down by Chattanooga Police.
Remembered as quiet and polite, by most of his friends, federal accounts of Abdulazeez before the murderous spree, cited he was unemployed and abusing alcohol and drugs prior to the shootings.
Some noticed a change in Abdulazeez after returning from a visit after a 2014 trip to Jordan. One friend said the devote Muslim returned home and began to distance himself from those whom which he’d been close.
Later investigation linked the 24-year-old to the radical teachings of American born terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki and suggested he’d looked into martyrdom just days before his rampage on his smart phone.
In the end, no one is completely certain why Abdulazeez attacked the military facilities, but one thing is certain despite his alleged problems with drugs and depression, he was A-O.K. to purchase legal firearms.
Authorities said two of his firearms were purchased legally from a gun shop and another was bought online.
Kind of makes you wonder why we can still purchase guns from any and everywhere.
A Drifter with a Mutha F’ing Gun
Our second douche bag didn’t need the prompting of groups from overseas or a radical cleric to pull off his evil feat.
Nope, John Russell Houser, set upon a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana on July 23, 2015 and opened fire of movie-goers for no apparent reason.
Thought to be a drifter, Rusty Houser had more than one thing in common with our first douche. He had the lust for murder in his heart, hate, a minimal bank account and most importantly – a legal firearm.
His Hi-Point 40 caliber semi-automatic handgun had been purchased legally from a pawn shop back on St. Valentine’s Day.
The 59-year-old Houser entered the Grand 16 Theater in Lafayette, purchased a ticket for the Amy Schumer comedy, “Trainwreck” and minutes into the flick, calming stood and began blasting.
Authorities estimate he fired about 20 shots before scurrying away from police to end his life. He killed two people, identified as Mayci Breaux, 21, and Jillian Johnson, 33, and then himself while wounding another nine that night.
Law enforcement described Houser as “troubled,” most recently a resident of Alabama with mental health issues.
However, a look at his history uncovered a violent, right leaning, racist with an affinity for Hitler and the Nazi’s, earned an accounting degree in 1988 and was regular on a local talk radio show where he touted keeping women from the workplace, hailing violence against abortion providers and preparing for the implosion of the country.
Houser was also accused of attempting to hire a goon to burn down the office of an attorney in 1989 and had been accused of domestic violence against his wife in 2008.
He was evicted from a home in Phenix City, Alabama in 2014 and allegedly returned to destroy the house by cutting up fish, leaving piles of poop around the property and pouring cement into the drains.
In 2006, reports allege he was denied a gun permit to carry a concealed weapon in Alabama, but despite all of his greatest efforts, he was legally allowed to purchase a firearm earlier this year.
Houser was living in a hotel in Lafayette at the time of the theater murders. Authorities did not have a specific reason for the shooting spree.
America is Going to Have to Come To Grips with Gun Violence
It would be less than truthful to pretend the shootings in Tennessee and Louisiana began a ground-swell of discussion for gun control.
Instead, the topic of lessening the number of guns Americans own is still danced around by politicians on both sides like some kind of grand ballet.
President Barack Obama has continued to make statements about the need for stronger gun control laws and stricter regulation on and tracking on the legal guns we own.
However, each mention of any changes to the laws is unilaterally met with opposition from the political right and of course the NRA. And for President Obama, any talk about gun control in relations to a mass murder is painted as banter from an opportunistic politician pushing his liberal agenda.
The combination of a stubborn American stance on guns and that of the do nothing U.S. Congress has allowed no change in any of the gun laws and dealt Obama the primary regret in his presidency.
While Obama opined about what could have been, the general overall reaction of Congress was as dysfunctional and out of step with the world as usual.
As the representatives of the huddled masses, Congress pushed for more guns, of course.
In fact, the shootings in Tennessee reopened the debate over whether troops should carry their personal firearms while on U.S. bases. Proponents of this position believe arming U.S. service personnel would prevent similar attacks in the future.
Some lawmakers on Capitol Hill, have said arming service members could have prevented these attacks as well as others such as the ones at Fort Hood in 2009 and the Washington Navy Yard in 2014.
Locally at least six governors signed orders to allow National Guard troops to carry firearms on bases in the wake of the shooting.
Despite another call to arms, the continue harangue of mass murder and evidently low weapons sales did cause the country’s largest retailer to take action.
Ironically Wal-Mart stopped selling AR-15 assault rifles and other similar weapons with high capacity rifles in July 2015 due to dwindling sales and a left-handed response to concerns about daily mass shootings throughout the country.
Although studies show in America, there is one “mass shooting” everyday, which means a murder of four or more people by a single gunman, it’s not like killing groups of people should cause anyone to re-think the abundant access we have to guns.
The sad part is, despite the endless headlines and the mind numbing body count, controlling the availability of guns in our culture is no closer to a serious look than it was after the massacre in Columbine in 1999 or the mass murder in Sandy Hook, Connecticut in 2012.
Given the endless news cycle, both killers will probably become just two more forgotten names in an endless hit parade that sees countless people in the land of the free and home of the brave die at the hands of citizens with firearms that are not allowed in most countries.
Because you would have forgotten the names of both Mohammad Yusef Abdulazeez and John Russell Houser by the time you’ve read this article, we here at Boom Bap Radio want to make sure eternity remembers that we didn’t forget to ill on these murderous jerks.
Your rampages may not that unusual in violent history of America, but in our opinion you have secured the July 2015 top prize for “douche baggery.”
So, as your corpses rot in the ground or are vaporized in an oven, both of you angry gunmen suck for whatever reason they decided to kill unarmed people.
So enjoy your prizes, you’re the July 2015 winner of the Boom Bap Radio Douchey McDouche Bag Award – you terroristic, hateful, cowardly douches!!!