Each month we at Boom Bap Radio will bestow "The Douchey McDouche Bag" award on the biggest dickheads in the news. This category is not limited to politicians or entertainers or even athletes, there's room for everyone on this bench.
However, each month one person stands out as the absolute winner of our coveted prize.
The award is based on the name I gave a menial worker from a big box department store, who insisted that my item was no longer in stock without looking. This douche actually made me order the item online and had a whole five-minute explanation of why the product was not available days after Christmas. Evidently it was shipped back to some remote warehouse over the hills and far, far away.
Imagine my surprise when about an hour later, while walking to the other end of the store, I found piles of my item, neatly stacked and very much available.
So, this one goes out to that collared shirt wonder, who obviously knew nothing, but before he knew a whole friggin' lot “Douche Bag!!" Hey dickwad - this award Â goes out to you - Douche!!!
The August 2013 Douchey McDouche Bag Award
August 2013 began in a rather mundane way, but as the month ground-on the douchiness became so profound that it was damn near historic.
We had the normal proliferation of disaffected teens shooting and killing people and each other, but our douche bag wouldnâ€™t emerge until late in the month.
All the way across the world, in Syria, in the middle of a two-year civil war, supposedly deposed President Bashar al-Assad, who still hadnâ€™t left since the height of the â€œArab Springâ€ phenomenon, may have chosen to poison several hundred of his own people with gas.
The dastardly deed occurred on Aug. 21, 13, when about 1,000 people were killed and three times that were maimed in Syria. While ordering such an attack on insurgents would easily make â€œal-Ass-ad,â€ a prick, for us, the evil assault itself has earned the August 2013 Boom Bap Radioâ€™s Douchey McDouche Bag Award.
Why focus on the attack itself?
Because itâ€™s impossible to know if it was carried out by Assad or terror components of the insurgency, we aimed at the act itself and the reaction from around the world when chemical weapons are used to kill people.
Donâ€™t Make U.S. Have to Come Over There
Syrian President Assad had been â€œcracking downâ€ on a revolution that called for his exit from office with his army and everything else since 2011. US President Barack Obama had praised the revolt and called for Assad to leave office a year ago, always stating that the use of chemical weapon might make the United States, â€œhave to come over there.â€
Â Obama immediately pointed to al-Assad as theÂ gas passer and having already drawn a â€œred lineâ€ in the sand last year, started getting all offensive â€“ up in here, up in here.
Â Obamaâ€™s reaction wasnâ€™t exactly surprising.
Â There has been ongoing debate about the countries affected by â€œArab Springâ€ since despots started dropping like flies almost three years ago.
Â The revolutionary wave of demonstrations dubbed â€œArab Spring,â€ began in late 2010 and was loosely tied to high to internet access, unemployment, blight, opposition to monarchial and/or totalitarianism or maybe general enlightenment.
During the uprisings, leaders in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya and Yemen were ousted. Many young liberals in the West hailed the movements as the sign of new times and pointed to the â€œOccupyâ€ marches and demonstration in this country.
As the world said goodbye to Hosni Mubarack in Egypt; Muammar Gaddafi in Libya; Zine El Abidine Ben Ali in Tunisia and Ali Abdullah Saleh in Yemen, Syriaâ€™s Assad refused to play along.
In fact Bashar al-Assad unleashed the crackdown of all bloody crackdowns by defiantly refusing to leave office. By the summer of 2012 the media estimated more than 20,000 people had perished in the then yearlong civil war.
The United States and the Europeans not only rejected Assadâ€™s crackdown, but instituted sanctions on the Syrian government amid the shooting and gassing of demonstrators. By August of 2011, Obama called for Assad to step down.
As al-Assad postured and continued an all our military assault on protesters and military opposition to his government, his unexpected stance changed the world as we knew it.
The United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon joined in and condemned the crackdown and the European Union imposed an embargo on oil imports from Syria. The Arab League imposed its own sanctions on Syria and kicks them out of the club.
The Arab League brought a diplomatic resolution to the UN also offered a condemnation resolution, which was roundly vetoed by Syrian allies and world powerhouses China and Russia.
All Twisted Up In the Game
Evidently al-Assadâ€™s decision to stand pat created a worldwide centrifuge, screwed everyone up and maybe even tore a hole in the space time continuum.
By August 2013, normally dove-ish President Obama began sounding like George W. Bush and threatened military action with or without UN approval.
Republicans became peaceniks, Democrats became hawks; the Brits denounced the US and the French backed the US. To make things douchier, Russian President Vladimir Putin got involved and became not only a diplomat, but too sexy for his shirt. Well, thatâ€™s almost any and every day for Putin.
Yep, dogs and cats began sleeping together and a chinless, tyrant continued to shoot idle threats at the US, and at least bullets and shells at his citizens.
Afterall, the gas attack could easily have been a ploy by weakened militant ground forces to draw the EU and US into a war and therefore achieve their objective of getting rid of the chinless Assad.
Obamaâ€™s douchey threat of military action would have been the correct thing to do, on paper, if Assad in fact ordered masses of humans to be gassed. Technically crimes against humanity and some action are supposed to be punished by a united league of nations or something.
Widespread use of chemical agents were most diabolically utilized during the First World War.
At warâ€™s end, about 100,000 soldiers were estimated to have perished in World War I due to the use of various poison gases by all participants in what would be the first conflict that encompassed military from all 7 continents. More than a million soldiers more were injured and conservatively half a million civilians and countless livestock were mercked by drifting clouds of chemical death.
It was shortly after the Great War that nations formed a League, which served as the precursor to the United Nations. In 1925, the League of Nations drafted the Geneva Protocol, which banned its use in war and set in motion the first worldwide rules of engagement on the battlefield.
In fact, use of chemical weapons on humans was seen as less than humane and uncivilized.
Although the U.S. used nuclear weapons in World War II, and napalm in Vietnam, most civilized nations opted to only kill people with conventional bombs and shells and refrain from killing with chemical agents like Chlorine, Lachrymants and Mustard Gas.
Desert Storm III?
So faster than you could say Sadam Hussein, al-Assadâ€™s alleged use of chemical weapons flooded the reveries of a 21st Century generation watching Syriaâ€™s plight on Social Media and on a smattering of news reports.
The United States estimated that 1,000 were killed by gas released Syrian neighborhood of Jobar â€“ a stronghold of resistance to the Assad regime.
President Obama brought the case to the American people during an address shortly after the August 21st genocide and pinned the use of Sarin gas on the Assad regime, which categorically denied gassing the militants heâ€™s been at war with for more than two years.
â€œWe know the Assad regime was responsible,â€ President Obama said during the address. â€œThey distributed gas masks to their troops.â€
He also pointed out that the attack occurred in a neighborhood known for opposition to the current regime – a place where the chinless douche desperately wanted to clear. DNA samples from some of the dead and dying confirmed the use of deadly Sarin, but what to do?
Obama said the gassing was a â€œviolation of International law and a violation of our security.â€ He said doing nothing weakens the worldwide ban against the use of poison gas and causes a national security risk. He then left his normal position of reason and peace and called for a strike against Assad.
Obama stopped just short of launching the strike and instead ordered Assad to leave and dropping bombs like had occurred in the past, the former Constitutional Law professor relied on the Constitution and referred the matter to Congress for a vote.
Then things got down right confusing.
We Do Our Little Dance On The Catwalk
Congress opted out and Vladimir Putin, the dictator who allegedly gassed his own people, got with the former head of a Gestapo-esc, totalitarian regime, Assad railed for democracy, freedom and the United Nations.
He even wrote about it in the New York Times and chided America for past attacks in the region and even questioned the â€ exceptional-ismâ€ that certain Americans have believed in since the Monroe Doctrine was unfurled.
It was then that I lost my equilibrium.
Was he Putin or Right Said Fred?
Why was he placing an Op Ed in the New York Times in America, when his own people have a faux version of free speech in mother Russia?
Why was my democratic, liberal president sounding like a douchey, right-wing, neo-con, war hawk?
Did I need the douche?
President Obama was of the opinion a military strike on Syria would lessen Assadâ€™s power and protect Americaâ€™s interests. While that may sound out of character, Obama has been dealing with Syria for two years. When he put the issue to our wishy-washy Congress, which has asked for action in Syria and in-action in Syria since 2011 â€“ they whiffed.
The threat of U.S. military action got Russia all funky and somehow diplomacy came from the Kremlin of all places.
Putin said Syria could surrender its cache of poison gas to him and in doing so, military action would be averted. Obama, having first tried to settle the matter diplomatically, was open to whatever plan averted war.
The hatinâ€™ assed American media said Obama was out maneuvered and hailed Putin?
Yep, I guess if you live long enough you see everything, but Putin got so out of pocket he penned an Op-ed for the New York Times, which has not moved its headquarters to Moscow.
So, why does Right Said Fred have a need to weigh in on America and how we roll?
He obviously, like most of the world, desperately wants to be an American reality star.
Or maybe heâ€™s just too sexy for his shirt.
After Vladâ€™s pussy riot, the whole situation wreaked. Next thing you know Assad was doing the American talk show circuit and the media Â started gabbing about how masterfully he had held onto power and how Putin was the fâ€™ing man.
In the end, no one still knows who dropped poison gas on that village in Syria, but one thing is for certain, no matter how fine his wife is or how dress him up al-Assad is fighting an active war against rebels in his own nation and has killed scores to maintain his presidential seat.
No matter how ruthless or chinless he may be, Assad may or may not be a bad human, poisoner of his own people or a dick-tator; but he is one thing â€“ a douche bag.
So for whatever caused the gassing of a neighborhood in your country, that action and your inaction has got the world all a twitter and swiped our coveted award for August 2013.
So go spend some more time with Fox News, al-Assad youâ€™re hated at home and look like a shoe salesman and we donâ€™t care whether youâ€™ve killed citizens with conventional or chemical weapons.
We see you for what you are, an evil, killer of your own people, oppressive â€“ Douche Bag!